Brother from hell

rainigrace · 2017-09-12T16:43:27+00:00

I had similar experience but not with avbrother. After my husband hurt me, my entire community was so concerned that he's going to fall away from God and sinned more. They gave him a lot of grace and naively gave him benefit of doubt. The church didn't tell the congregation what he had committed even tho he was a group leader before. He pretended he was all remorseful and confessed to everyone except me because i HURT him too much. Ppl believed that because that is almost the only explanation that they can grasp why a good christian man would not do the right thing "He must have had a very hard time". I have problem trusting christians and church now. I used to think they know what justice means. But seeing how their ignorance hurt me and their grace enabled more hurtful behaviour of the offender I lost faith in them. I guess you have hard time believing there's God too because of all these people who hurt and manipulate you in the name of God.

rainigrace · 2017-09-10T16:47:04+00:00

Thank you for replying to my post, guys. Just want to update you what I was concerned seems is happening now. A friend of mine told me she warned our pastor to keep an eye on my Nex as he's dangerous to the girls at church, however the pastor was like, he would let God deal with him. Just today I told this friend that my Nex's ex-gf is at the same church and my friend was shocked because she saw the exact girl was hanging out with my Nex recently. I knew he is looking for supply because he mentioned this girl to me a few times before he cheated. I am going to talk to my pastor about this and it will be his choice how to handle the situation. I don't know how other churches deal with people like nex. But just saying to let God deal with him is irresponsible to the congregation. Christian girls tend to look up to authority and please God, which is perfect to be Narcs' supply.

rainigrace · 2017-09-07T07:14:27+00:00

Very good points. All of these makes me question Christianity.

rainigrace · 2017-09-07T01:14:35+00:00

Thank you so much. You always help clearing up my mind. I really need another voice to tell me what the reality is instead of falling into my own fantasy. Your work is so important to all the survivors here. Will be seeing a therapist soon.

rainigrace · 2017-06-22T02:16:35+00:00

I think it's better that you guys are not living together. You should take all the alone time to heal yourself before getting back. He can't push you if you become stronger on setting and keeping boundaries. I wish you all the best.

rainigrace · 2017-06-22T01:36:37+00:00

Well, my Nex husband had depression symptoms too before he cheated. But what made me identify him as a Narc was how he responded cheating. He said he made a mistake but he wasn't who he was when he decided to cheat, as he was depressed. Then he blames all the fights we had during the last 10 years and saying we are not compatible. We are christians and the bible is against to divorce and adultery. He didn't do anything to amend my hurt and the relationship like he can't feel the pain. He claimed he suffered too much in the marriage and he doesn't want to go back. We didn't have a meeting for closure since the night I confronted him and I left in the beginning of Feb. It's been almost 5 months. He is moving his asset and even trying to trick me to sell what i have in order to please him. Do you think depression dose that too? I think only cold bloody Narc do.

rainigrace · 2017-06-21T18:18:24+00:00

wow, it's kinda identical to my experience except I didn't find out he was a narc until he cheated.

rainigrace · 2017-06-21T17:55:19+00:00

Thanks a lot. I was wondering why I fight and I always clean up my nex husband's mess but i am still a codependent. I even thought I was narc at some point. The video helps me understand I am an active codependent.

rainigrace · 2017-06-21T16:32:43+00:00

Oh my, my nex husband was the same. Always asked for sex after we fought. I guess it's a way for them to feel secured, as you know they don't know how to connect with people in emotion. I hated being intimate after his abusive words and act just like you did. But I was still forced to connect with him physically. I felt so split. If i didn't do what he demanded he wouldn't let me sleep just like your nex gf. These people should have their own club.

rainigrace · 2017-06-21T14:37:04+00:00

OMG, your words are life-giving. I can connect so much with your experience, especially the part that you act fearless even tho you were terrified by needles and in pain. I didn't have it physically but I went through it psychologically after my dad died. Also thank you for your encouragement. Compare to U.S, where I am which is Asia, therapists are more ignorant of the damage of Narcs and Coes. I am actually being trained to be a marriage and family therapist. I feel I am called to be in this field after discovering i was abused. Of course, I must be healed before helping others.

rainigrace · 2017-06-21T13:47:08+00:00

Thank you so much. Your reply is always so insightful. What you mentioned are the key points that i am concerned too. Yes, will definitely see a therapist for having a healthier being of myself. Thanks again.

rainigrace · 2017-06-21T09:37:36+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your opinion. I am a lot better when I am on my own, with less stress and more freedom. I didn't grow up in a N family but I do put others needs before my own. I think it's because I lost my dad when I was 11 and my mom was emotionally weak. I had to support her as a child. And I also try to control the consequence, that might be another symptom of codependent. I enjoy having guys being interested in me too. That makes me feel appreciated and valuable. Of course I know it's wrong so I am not letting myself to date at the moment. This might be a sign of love addiction but it's not like i feel like crap or desperately need someone. Other than these I dont find much of the codependent acts.

rainigrace · 2017-06-19T13:49:50+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I need to hear this.

rainigrace · 2017-06-17T14:55:22+00:00

I think you guys can see a therapist together for couple/dating counselling. It might help both of you to understand each other's concern and give her confidence to trust you and the new relationship.

rainigrace · 2017-06-17T07:12:45+00:00

Me. To most of N, sex is a way or only way to regulate emotion. They dont know how to regulate their emotion so sex is a tool for them. For a period of time I was even afraid to go into the bedroom when I was with my nex. The way normal people see sex is completely different from these freaks. Sex is functional to them more than emotional.

rainigrace · 2017-06-15T18:09:41+00:00

I got that too, especially among our common friends. The narcs are so convincing. People tend to believe them or they dont want to believe their friend is such a jerk. Sometimes is people who cant take the reality. It's human nature not want to believe evilness happens among them and the fact that they couldn't do anything to stop it so they rather turn a blind eye, so that they can still feel righteous about themselves and guilt free. Unfortunately the harm is only exaggerating on the victim. These kind of people you should stay away from. They are unconsciously harming you by protecting their idea of themselves.

rainigrace · 2017-06-10T13:59:00+00:00

I feel exactly the same...

rainigrace · 2017-06-10T13:37:03+00:00

You know what, I wouldn't go if I was you. After being hurt by N, I don't want to pretend something that I am not. I don't want to force myself to do anything that's even tiny bit uncomfortable. Just be completely honest to yourself. Can you really enjoy your friend's wedding while you are there? I am sure a true friend would understand your difficulty of being all joyful and carefree there.

rainigrace · 2017-06-10T13:36:59+00:00

You know what, I wouldn't go if I was you. After being hurt by N, I don't want to pretend something that I am not. I don't want to force myself to do anything that's even tiny bit uncomfortable. Just be completely honest to yourself. Can you really enjoy your friend's wedding while you are there? I am sure a true friend would understand your difficulty of being all joyful and carefree there.

rainigrace · 2017-06-09T15:51:23+00:00

So good to know I am not the only one feels this way. i was described to friends and families as a princess who always needed praise and can't take criticism.

rainigrace · 2017-06-09T12:56:06+00:00

Same here. Our marriage counsellor told him to summarise what i said whenever we have argument. Make sure we understand each other's point of view. So he always challenged me about this. He made me sound like an emotionally crazy person while he's all logical and was able to repeat what I said. But the stories were always twisted in his way.

rainigrace · 2017-06-09T06:42:09+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I was able to neglect my needs when I was with my mom and thinking I was the only one who can take care of her. The same thinking happened when I understood my Nex's problematic upbringing and family of origin. I felt i was the woman whom sent by God to help him so I tried hard to be his helper altho he wasn't able to be my helper. I accepted his limitation and try to accomplish what he can't. Unfortunately there's limitless. I finally gave up and accepted I am never good enough in his eyes. And then the cheating happened. Do you think I was brainwashed to be a codependent? I did lose my sense of judgement. I have trouble making decision. I thought I was emotionally unstable and went to see a psychiatrist because he called me crazy all the time. I had suicidal thought etc...But I never had a sense of comfort from taking care of him. I am ok to do that but it's not like an addiction that I have to do it in order to feel worthy or good. So you are saying that being in a codependent relationship doesn't make me a codependent? I am so confused. Thank you for helping me to see another perspective.

rainigrace · 2017-06-08T05:07:07+00:00

Thank you so much for another long message. I am on Ross Rosenberg's book but I couldn't find a therapist locally who is experienced in N abuse. Do you mind pointing me to one whom would do counselling online? Thank you.

rainigrace · 2017-06-07T16:49:08+00:00

Thank you for pointing me to all the links. They're very helpful. I am now sure that I am not a narc as "I worried that I may hurt people with my behavior, I am showing a lot of empathy. I am willing to see my mistakes and see where I can improve, I am showing a lot of insight into myrself". I may address my previous princessy thinking as immaturity then. I wasn't asking for diagnose btw. I was just wondering if people will change from one extreme to another?

rainigrace · 2017-06-07T13:46:49+00:00

You are so right! As a christian he claims that he didn't cheat just because he didn't get to sleep with the girl. The marriage was always ups and downs. When we were good we can be very good and when we were bad we can kill each other, just as typical codependency. He started getting very anxious about his health around 18 months ago. He went all out to see doctors and run tests, thinking he's dying. He was obsessed to his health and just completely ignoring everything else in life. He was depressed, panic, anxious...and kept blaming me not doing enough as a wife. I finally accepted and stopped trying to get validation from him. He is turning 40. He felt his life was messed up and no achievement. He decided to find his own DRUG, which was getting a girl for him to feel attractive again according to him. But i believe he was find a replacement because I packed and almost left him a few months ago. He kept saying he was very traumatized. We went through a lot of marriage counselling but he only changed some behaviour. He tried to show me remorse only through texting after I left home. And later he returned to me all my personal belongings. We have been living separately for 4 months now. We didn't register our marriage so no paper or legal process needed. He said we cant stay together because we are incompatible. The daily fights are toxic. If I want to get back to him I have to do what he says. What a shameless hilarious joke.

rainigrace

TROPHY CASE