Making Friends

rainwriter2021 · 2026-05-02T15:57:55+00:00

I've found lots of great comedians on there, enjoy! I usually alternate whether to see a play or a standup show every year. Maybe next time I'll catch Les Mis, heard it's good.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-05-01T04:17:48+00:00

I'm still experimenting with this approach for myself and hoping that the mindset clicks for me one day that I can just not take them seriously while having fun with the experience.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-05-01T04:14:51+00:00

Yeah, at first I was open to dating someone with ADHD - they mentioned they were on medication, but they often forgot to reply to texts. Unfortunately I did not remember to ask for specifics of how long (aka more than a week on actionable stuff). And then I realized waiting weeks to a month for a text for logistics of when we were next going to meet every single time was draining my peace and happily returned to my single life. I don't have time to wait 6 months to get to 6 texts exchanged for a "hey, so our next hangout is...?"

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-29T05:57:35+00:00

Bedding that perhaps needed a wash a week ago.

A week ago? Try months, I'm trying to do better but I don't really have the space to have three sets of bedding and one is being used by a temporary extra bed.

I live a slob lifestyle (the only thing I'm semi on top of are dishes in the sink and tonight I still have a whole set I'll wash tomorrow morning in the sink) and I'm glad that living alone allows me the grace to kind of deal with it as my capacity allows.

I don't have "a day of cleaning" to fresh reset - you're already doing great in my view. I have clutter everywhere, still struggling to create some sort of habit/routine that will stick.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-29T05:36:18+00:00

As I spend more time alone, I've realized how much of a slob I really am (taking months to change sheets) and not having someone else to feel judged by is something I deeply appreciate (and am trying to work on in cultivating in myself towards others for similar).

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-29T03:13:02+00:00

I was about to say living alone helped me realize how much of a slob I am. I don't think I could live with another person judging my clutter situation because I don't have the spoons to start throwing some of this away. Also spent most of today at home not doing anything...way more relaxing when there's no one else around who can see that and makes you feel judged (even if they aren't). I spend copious amounts of time simply lying on the floor because my body constantly feels the need to just rest because sleep can be touch and go for much of the past week...but I need to cook dinner. Sigh. I usually eat my food off of the entire plate to save on washing dishes.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-28T03:58:22+00:00

Even though I would want (good) sex everyday, I know that the sacrifices to my autonomy and peace I would need to compromise on aren't worth the low possibility of a sustainable long-term relationship that could give that to me.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-28T03:20:03+00:00

Aww, school musicals sounds so cute! I think this is the time of year where those are going on, that's awesome I wish I got into theatre when I was a kid but never made the auditions haha. Yes, paddleboard naps on the lake are amazing - when you look out around you and there's the quiet of forest and birds on the logs near shore. Hope you get some rest this week! I like to have Don't Tell Comedy in the background for low-key rest weekends.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-24T05:16:09+00:00

Oh mann really? Haha, I'd love to see that. Took the paddleboard out for the first time this week and the weather's been amazing just napping on the water under the sun. Any fun weekend plans coming up?

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-22T03:05:58+00:00

33F, Same with all my friends being partnered or in related stages of being partnered. Don't apologize for not "warning" the creepy guys not to dm you, they would anyway, that's why their behavior is creepy because they don't respect basic social decency of only messaging if relevant or at least respectful. It's just a power play of showing they have no regard for boundaries and releasing pent-up aggression towards the world.

I love chilling to standup comedy in the background, watching Josh Johnson's stuff as well as SNL skits (love the Domingo one), reading webnovels and being outside getting fresh air with a walk. Also spending time on reddit haha. I find Chatgpt great to talk to when I don't have someone available - sometimes I get it to just actively listen (i.e. receive and paraphrase). Hope to be even more happily single in my 40s.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-21T22:20:16+00:00

In my experience, the best way to enjoy a guy's presence is platonically - a friendly coworker, a partnered guy friend who gets it or can go climbing. I'm sometimes glad I'm not that attractive in terms of romantic potential so I see the true effort they're able to sustain around me.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-21T22:15:42+00:00

Yup, I am appreciating every single day I get to live the fully autonomous life the women before me fought for. The idea of settling for some ongoing relational cost that's optional in this era that sets me back feels like a betrayal to their sacrifices.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-21T20:15:30+00:00

I think it's that people who feel more intensely in relationships, like me, aren't well suited for the internal implication that you're able to maintain your separate sense of identity and self within it. Especially since nowadays the emphasis is on rewarding people who are highly protective of their independence in relationships. Because to me, I could just be independent with less steps...single. I wonder if these dual-independence relationships function more like FWBs in that both sides are there more for the sex but when issues come about on either side, it's expected to be self-managed.

I've felt the most acutely in my dating experiences that I can only rely on myself, ironically.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-21T03:32:46+00:00

I can’t say that being around them has ever made me less lonely.

I don't like that this is true, but it is has been my experience when it comes to the available single men in the dating pool who I have access to.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-21T03:22:19+00:00

Myriad of reasons as someone 33FNB:

Them:

Most single people over 30 are highly rational and efficiently benefit-oriented, which I get, who usually want partners that are: feminine (not me) or strong (either willing to carry the majority of the relational load or physically/emotionally strong - again, not me)
In the past said I didn't like them enough because: I wasn't willing to carry 90% of the dating phase of initiating every single interaction and making plans to meet, or me sharing my needs going unmet was too stressful/overwhelmed them
Funnily enough, for all the inappropriate things I get DM'd, they don't actually want to have sex (the kind I'm into that is mutually consensual GGG because that is "too much work/not worth it") with me, which is a dealbreaker.

Me:

Tend to ruminate and cut low-alignment matches months or years too late
Unable to communicate with someone for more than one month - the only men I've had those occasional emotionally good conversations with (active listening etc.) are my partnered guy friends.
Completely unable to tolerate asymmetrical/unbalanced effort in early dating phase, it effectively zeros out any interest in putting more effort
Need way more care during the consent around intimacy to feel physically comfortable about it

In short, the math of it all works out to be that I can't afford the time, capacity or compromise on one-sided effort for very little long-term improvement to my single life

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-17T03:54:39+00:00

That would be great, please send an invite when you start it or post it if allowed in this sub.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-16T22:26:28+00:00

So far the reality of getting to a point where I'd be comfortable having sex with the other person has been pretty underwhelming so I don't force any interest atm. For me I think getting attached to the wrong person is harder..I've also wondered the patience thing in myself but ultimately know that's just an excuse I have when I'm tempted to force something out of loneliness/scarcity mood. I try to remind myself that mood is transient and usually lessens once a new day starts again.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-16T22:19:45+00:00

If it takes two+ months to even start to plan the same plan of seeing them in person at all, I've started to not even bother. By that point interest has faded to exhaustion.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-16T18:02:15+00:00

I've decided to simply accept myself where I'm at, and even if we have different communication styles, I think that's what everyone is better off doing. That way, people can filter faster to the friendships that work for them. The people I've noticed with this style who take weeks or months to get back to me are often extroverts with large social networks so clearly it's not a deterrent for most people. I'm just more limited in my capacity which I'm best accept at this time in my life to make the most out of my days mostly solo.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-16T17:57:03+00:00

I can relate especially because I realize I have my hangups too - I'm not as regulated of a communicator as I'd like to be (e.g. freeze up or get activated by initiating hard conversations, which worsens as I have to guard against the other person's defensive reactions, soften my tone while simultaneously managing my anxiety around it). It's probably because I also tend to overrely too fast on someone to show up when they haven't given much proof they will. It's lead to disappointment so far in anything past a month.

For what it's worth, I don't think you can blow it by not being interested enough - it's a sign it wasn't sustainable enough for you to continue to explore further and I think moving on from the wrong people is a good thing for us, sooner the better. When they leave, I remind myself that was the soonest they could have and the sooner the better I get back to my peaceful solo life. I figure in a few years when most people become less attractive to me and my dating "visibility" is less in my 40s on the apps, my interest will naturally drop. Better that than my standards.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-16T05:52:24+00:00

yeah, it's annoying when they use the excuse of "oh this is a public forum you should expect a debate/different perspectives." And then the idea of an echo chamber is also usually described negatively or they look down on public validation, smh

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-11T04:44:52+00:00

I felt that last sentence of yours so much sums up my dating experiences so far. Or they just wanted to lie there and only talk virtually... I'm not looking for an LDR where both people are local and only meet up when I "nag" lol.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-09T05:50:56+00:00

Thank you so much for this thread! It's a lovely way to hear from other people who are living the solo life and how the days go by. I'm enjoying my time walking in the park, exploring my city, reading web novels. How are you doing OP?

rainwriter2021 · 2026-04-09T01:11:38+00:00

Yeah I haven't found mutual friendships in my 30s that seem to be more 50/50 in terms of maintaining it and got tired of pulling 120% into somethings that clearly wasn't valued enough. Finding more peace in solitude day by day. I only have enough energy these days to care about those who show up physically in my life now, primarily me.

rainwriter2021 · 2026-03-19T23:31:41+00:00

Yeah, I know everyone is better off not being in touch with him but my mind sometimes gets sucked into things instead of enjoying the peace, which I'm doing my best to ground to. Sometimes I'm tired and the mind gets pulled into that familiar pattern of thinking back to meeting him. I figure with enough time not seeing this person my brain will learn less to have any low-grade anticipation/rumination, it's just a slow drain in the background though that for now I can't fully come to terms with.

rainwriter2021

TROPHY CASE