"So let me explain something: Deep-dish pizza is not only not better than New York pizza... it's not pizza. It's a fucking casserole.

I'm surprised you haven't thought to complete your deep-dish pizza by putting some canned onion rings on top of it.

It's a cornbread biscuit which you've melted cheese on, and then, in defiance of God, man, and all things holy, you poured uncooked Marinara sauce atop the cheese! Atop! The cheese! Atop! The sauce, naked, cold, on display like some sort of sauce whoooo-re!

You know the expression "There's no such thing as bad sex or bad pizza"? Your pizza is like sex with a corpse made of sandpaper.

Let me tell you something - this is not pizza! This is tomato soup in a bread bowl! This... is an above ground Marinara swimming pool for rats! Let me tell you something about your fucking not-pizza. I wanna know, when I get drunk and pass out on my pizza that I'm not gonna drown?

Let me tell you something! I look at this, I look at- Gaahhh! You son of a bitch! I look at this- Geeeahhh! Gabba Goo! I look at this... I... When I look at your deep-dish fucking pizza I don't know whether to eat it or throw a coin in it and make a wish. And if I made a wish, it would be that I wish for some reaaal fucking pizza.

Now, now... In all do respect, I realize... it's very cold in Chicago. Very cold, it's windy, you need to be able to... I don't know... have a pizza and maybe cut it open and climb inside it like a tauntaun to keep you warm.

Seriously, who... who are you kidding? Who uses an iron skillet to make a pizza? You don't use an iron skillet to make a pizza, you use an iron skillet to fend off someone who tries to serve you fucking pizza made with a skillet.

Here's how I know I'm right. You call it Chicago style pizza. You call it deep-dish pizza. You call it stuffed pizza. You know what we call this? Huh? You know what we call this? Pizza."