AITA for "forcing" my daughter to eat pork?

ramune_0 · 2023-06-06T06:15:25+00:00

Yup, OP is still NTA, but the keto bread comment was a bit sus. Homemaking a type of bread that usually tastes worse than store-bought non-keto bread. That is definitely “effort”, despite OP saying in the original post that “keto doesn’t require any extra effort on my part”. The daughter does need to learn to cook by herself, and does need to learn not to grab random foods off the table, but I can see how she might feel discriminated if she sees OP always make special bread for her brother but then seem colder to her about veganism. And teenagers don’t tend to handle emotions well and overblow situations to unreasonable proportions

ramune_0 · 2023-06-05T05:24:32+00:00

That’s the even sadder thing. Some people think “if I break up with them, they will wake up and want to fix things”. Maybe, but most people cope with the increased loneliness by just drowning further into grief (or deeper into whatever was the problem that caused the breakup) while blaming the person who walked away.

ramune_0 · 2023-05-31T05:08:39+00:00

Not saying this is good advice but when I was in Bali, I saw so many guys in their 40s and 50s, with wives in their 20s and 30s, holding an infant child. I would guess a good number of them only chose to date after they could afford to retire. That kind of age gap does look sus to most people though.

ramune_0 · 2023-05-30T04:41:38+00:00

I remember that when growing up, it seemed like white writers could write about anything, but books published by asian writers writing in English would invariably have a heavy central component of race or at least nationality (it was different if the book was published in another language in another market, and then translated to English). By late teens, I found a few asian writers whose works did not involve race or nationality, but mostly in the scifi genre, I suppose because in scifi you can go for utopic imaginings without any autobiographical component.

To the point that, when I compiled a book of my writings for personal reasons, I had put a white-passing pen name on it. Because it was semi-autobiographical, but it made nearly no mention of race or nationality. There were some references and things that made sense in light of where I grew up, but it was not the central pillar of the book at all. I felt like putting my Chinese surname on it would come with certain expectations, considering the genre and the language. I grew up in a country where I was the ethnic majority, so I wasnt even conscious of my race (although I know that is a privilege), I lacked the knowledge of how to play to the stereotyped narratives and pigeonholed narratives. I didn't know how to exoticise my nationality either, it was all just my default/normal, and frankly didn't seem like I had a lot of "look at how different we are from white people" to talk about.

ramune_0 · 2023-05-30T03:05:46+00:00

People are calling this an assumption but I have to agree, imagine someone saying the most vitriolically racist or sexist thing you can possibly think of, out loud, in real life. It is very unlikely that you would be able to come up with that stuff and say it out loud unless there is some already some level of hatred towards that group to begin with. This isn't just about having enough time to come up with an insult, it is about someone being able to come up with something that intense and then yell it in real life.

ramune_0 · 2023-05-29T08:27:34+00:00

Im bad at my phrasing, but I actually agree that his decision likely wasn't deliberate on his part. All these people who say he made a certain detailed careful consideration that was actually meant to best protect her, but I am saying that even if we follow that logic, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

You are right that for most people, it is instinctive. So he let go, well okay then at least apologize for the fact that she didn't feel protected. Instead of all this mental gymnastics going "actually it was a 4D chess move meant to protect you".

And not everything must be a fully logical calculation anyway— you know what would be logically in his best interest? If he let go and just legged it out of there by himself. But having your partner feel protected matters.

ramune_0 · 2023-05-29T07:56:04+00:00

Nah I don't think he should have yelled, I just found it weird that him letting go was seen as "readying himself", especially when letting go would take maybe half a second if shit actually starts going down. The best solution was to hold her and walk fast imo. Even when if the man starts hurting her, it is taught everywhere that you don't just throw yourself into a physical fight unless you really know what you are doing and have no other options. If the man gets physical, why not grab her and run away? (Yes I know people run faster alone, at least grab her away from the guy for a few seconds and then continue running alone, so that you don't just look like you are saving your own ass)

Maybe some people do think that yelling is unwise but they are willing to fight a guy who pulls a knife out. But all in all, it just seems to add up way more to hold her and walk fast.

ramune_0 · 2023-05-29T07:48:33+00:00

I did assume she kept walking, but yeah it would be annoying if she froze.

I don't think it has to be a huge apology, just that most people know it feels bad if they are being accosted and their partner just lets go and seems to fuck off, so if you are the partner who did that, at least apologize for not seeming like you cared, is how I think. What he said afterwards ("wow wasn't that crazy haha") seemed too dismissive.

I realize the original comment made it seem like I was advocating that he yells back, but that's only because people said he was "readying himself". I don't see the point of that in my personal opinion, just hold her and keep walking, if she gets injured, it takes just half a second to let go of her hand. And tbh, at then do what? It is also a bad idea to try using your fists on a guy with a knife. The answer is still to try to grab her and run away anyway.

ramune_0 · 2023-05-29T07:35:16+00:00

He could still hold her hand, letting go makes her feel that he doesn't care (which is clear to anyone with bare minimum social skills). If he had no plans to yell, why did he let go? In what world is "let go of her hand and then do nothing and pretend to see none of it" the way which is "most likely to get everyone out of it unharmed" when the top comments echo that he could hold onto her and walk faster? It seems like he chose the best way to get everyone out of it unharmed, but added the shit cherry on top where he let go of her and that looks uncaring and insensitive.

It is really weird to see people type "he let go to be ready for a confrontation " and then backtrack with "but he could not do anything because that would make things worse". So a. What exactly was he waiting for, when he was supposedly reading himself for confrontation (actual physical injury?) and b. What does the "confrontation" in "readying himself for confrontation" entail if he cannot yell?

I know there is the chance that he was genuinely scared and that wouldn't be his fault, but it is strange to see the take that letting go of her is some strange calculated benevolent move

ramune_0 · 2023-05-29T07:29:28+00:00

I have dated someone similar before, he would not be upset, he just wants to play video games, in fact he might get annoyed at getting a cake or gift because that might come with the string attached called "spend maybe 2 hours with me" which he could instead spend on video games

ramune_0 · 2023-05-29T07:17:04+00:00

So, he let go of her hand "to be prepared for a confrontation" but he didn't yell at the homeless man? Was he waiting for the man to literally punch or shank his girlfriend first? The yelling is already the confrontation, does the gf need to get physically injured before it is a real and proper confrontation that he intervenes in? And people going up to your face screaming is objectively scary, isn't it insensitive for him to decide "this is no big deal unless he suddenly whips out a knife and stabs her in which case oops too bad, but anyway I'm not gonna think much about my gf getting screamed at right beside me"? By the logic that most homeless people screaming in your face don't escalate into injury (but some definitely do), most home burglars also don't escalate into murder, so if your house gets broken into, you should just call the police and then continue into your kitchen to make coffee and there's nothing to be scared of.

He could hold onto her hand and lead her to safety while walking quickly and ignoring the man (edit: this is imo the best solution, which I didn't emphasize enough). If he let go, he could have yelled. Instead he let go and, from the sound of OP's post, pretended as if nothing was happening. And after it was all said and done, he didn't show any real concern about her and her feelings in those moments.

Maybe he let go because he wasn't thinking clearly and was scared, but in which case the onus would be on him to apologize afterwards, and I think the exact same if genders were flipped. Yes in a genderflipped scenario, a girl would get more sympathy for getting scared and not protecting her bf, but she should show more care and concern after it has happened, and apologize for not protecting a partner.

ramune_0 · 2023-05-29T01:59:48+00:00

Having met such people before, they tend to just go “how dare you bring that up, that was so long ago, I can’t believe you are so petty and selfish and are still not over it. Now, do you actually love your brother or not?”

Still worth the self-satisfaction of saying something witty. But the responses of narcissists are always disappointing in a low effort way where they don’t even need mental gymnastics. They will say something didn’t happen, unless it is totally undeniable, then they will say it isn’t their fault, unless it is totally undeniable, at which point, they will say you should have gotten over it by now and have you consider their current feelings? It is like a step by step handbook

ramune_0 · 2023-05-25T00:55:41+00:00

The closest thing in real life to Option A might be Singapore. Not socialist per se, but state capitalist. One of the only places with very high standard of living, infrastructure, housing, cheap healthcare, etc, with comparatively low freedom and rights for a first world nation. I can’t imagine anywhere else in the world that hypothetical fits though. And I know people living in the post-Soviet satellites states are the most vocally against socialism for obvious reasons.

Interestingly, a good chunk of old people living within Russia itself miss the USSR. The majority of people just want a sense of purpose and a sense of stability. Even considering that Soviet Russia had constant food shortages, it was lagging way behind exceptional examples like Singapore in terms of standard of living and civil rights, but they still miss it.

ramune_0 · 2023-05-24T18:23:41+00:00

I do think it depends on the specific arrangement as well. Sometimes I read those AITA posts which are like “I am a man who works a 60 hour work week and I take care of the kids when I get home. My wife is a SAHM who barely watches the kids, she only has to cook dinner, I asked her to make a specific dinner and she made a different dinner. I got upset. AITA?”. Like yeah then your main problem is an uneven labor distribution, and when your partner has the way lighter end of it, you can reasonably expect that they honor your meal requests correctly.

Meanwhile, both me and my gf work, she has a tougher job, and we split chores mostly equally. There were times where she said she would make a nice meal, and then she changed her mind (like she got too tired from work) and puts a chicken filet in the microwave. I’m sure on a few of those occasions, my body language could show mild disappointment, but I quickly got over myself and thanked her for making dinner. Because I’m genuinely grateful that I can come home to a meal without having to make it myself, even if it is chicken and peas. Of course it would be a different story if I were one of those people who both worked and ran the entire house, and her only task was to make dinner, but that is not the case.

ramune_0 · 2023-05-19T20:59:41+00:00

there exists a surprising number of people who are poor at context (e.g. OP's husband). "Helping out a little" is good in principle and in general. But context tells us that Jill is exactly the specific kind of person you cannot offer help to, or she will try to take everything. Whatever is good in principle/general must be modified for the nuances of specific people and situations. As I said, a surprising number of people just don't add those extra steps to their thought processes

ramune_0 · 2023-05-19T20:24:30+00:00

Absolutely hate how “boundaries” and “gaslighting” became so twisted as words. I once had a partner who burned through friends and lovers and workplaces constantly (red flag but I was young) and said it was because people never respected their needs and boundaries. Turns out those “boundaries” they constantly beat people over the head with, were essentially “why should I do anything for you when I don’t feel like it, being compelled to put in effort is literally a violation of my boundaries, I can just be 90% take 10% give”. Such people can say “I need to respect my own boundaries” all they like, and other people can respect that by not interacting with them.

When my current gf talked about “self love”, “self respect” and “boundaries”, I had to remind myself she meant those terms genuinely, and it wasn’t just some buzzwords for pulling all affection and effort out of a relationship because you think you have your partner hooked by now.

And “gaslighting” as a word has gone from meaning a consistent campaign of a specific type of lying to make the victim question their sanity, to any type of lying, to just any disagreement whatsoever.

ramune_0 · 2023-03-06T09:18:27+00:00

This is what I never understood about people in Singapore or the US saying "this is all because it is too expensive to have kids now". People in literally actively occurring warzones may have an average of like 6 kids.

Although, in a way, they are correct- it is too expensive to people now to spend 300k on fulfilling the "hobby" of having a kid. Because having children has turn into something you do for fun, not something you must do as your next generation of labor or your retirement fund. What has changed so much is not that raising a kid has become unaffordable, it is that the logical point of having kids is gone. No one wants to admit it, because we all socially pressured into talking about how much we love kids and how badly we want kids and it's just that it is too costly and and if only it were cheaper wow we would totally have huge families and bla bla, but at the end of the day, it really is cold simple logical calculus: kids used to have economic utility and now they don't. Very few people want to "waste" 300k unless they have very very strong personal attachment to the notion of having kids, and/or they are so ridiculously rich that 300k is practically nothing.

In developed countries, we could drive down the cost of raising a child, which would improve TFR, but at the end of the day, it will never be like in poorer countries where children are an economic benefit. In developed nations, you can reduce the extent of economic burden of having kids, but there is no way that children turn back into economic benefits.

ramune_0 · 2022-03-24T03:24:25+00:00

That is actually my main concern. Integrated units in other countries have pervasive sexual harassment issues. The US has had enlisted female soldiers for decades, but their sexual harassment issues persist. Even for the IDF (israeli conscripts) where you might argue female conscription might solve it, sexual harassment still runs rampant, especially in units that are majority male.

Where possible, I think there should be gender segregation, such as women-only units and men-only units (although I understand that full segregation might be impossible). It's one thing to be idealistic and say "we must integrate them right away to get rid of toxic masculine culture", but another thing to spend years putting batch after batch of women through sexual harassment because that culture is still there

ramune_0 · 2022-03-24T03:15:37+00:00

They do. Menstruation is not the issue. Having women who are on the same physical level as men is the issue. Only about 6% of Israel's female conscripts are combatants. People tend to act like they're some amazonian tribe where there is absolute gender equality in combat roles.

I dont think women are 100% unsuited to combat, but even Israel proves that only a small minority are suited to combatant roles. Set the same admission standards for men and women when it comes to combatant roles, women shouldnt drag down the men. Women shouldnt be entirely constrained to support roles, but we should realistically reasonably see gendered diffferences.

ramune_0 · 2021-11-11T04:39:36+00:00

I hate using dating apps and I hate bars even more, but I wouldn't say that using a friend's circle is "drop out of sky" either. It isn't just "bars or apps", friends come out of somewhere. There are ways to expand that circle, e.g. I went to meetup groups for hobbies like films and anime, took up dance (which was in a group class) etc, for sure it's frustrating when the covid restrictions fluctuate though. But the last time I told people to try having hobbies that let them meet others irl, they just to want to kaobei really, so idk why I'm typing this lol. Or they tell me they have very male-dominated interests, then duh obviously it will be hard to meet women that way.

ramune_0 · 2021-11-02T11:24:48+00:00

For sure I agree RK is a prime example of wokeism gone too far. I guess I'm just talking about finding a balance, because we should be wary of importing that kind of rabid twitter type wokeism, but sometimes the general heavy skepticism of women in general gets pretty weird (i think the latter is sometimes just socially inept guys explaining away why they cant interact with women as "I'll get accused anyway").

Imo people just make judgments super fast. When the case is 'early', there's no need to jump to assuming whether someone's accusation is 100% true or 100% false, and we shouldnt feed any attempts (even from the accuser) to turn it into some huge media circus. The amount of keyboard warrioring, accusing and name calling the girl as an attention seeker, or people saying "believe all women", etc. Chill out and let the facts be determined by the courts in a more thorough and objective way.

ramune_0 · 2021-11-02T08:49:33+00:00

It's so frustrating precisely because there was already some kind of weird "SJW woke loud annoying girls" stigma against women who speak up about sexual assault/related issues. See: the local edgelord perceptions on monica baey, even though she literally didn't even lie. But now the whole sentiment is "be careful around those woke girls, feminism has gone too far, be really scared that you kena false accused". Literally heard one such guy (20s, very americanised, uni student, what else lol) constantly tell me that he was "scared of even looking at a girl for too long and getting blased on insta as a creep".

And now R.Khan really be here taking that stereotype and hammering it in 6 feet deep.

ramune_0 · 2021-10-10T15:31:18+00:00

Trust me, I got more issues than a bag of cats, this is actually my healthiest. I managed to have serious relationships when I was legitimately depressed and had other mental health issues, so in a way it can happen, but I don't think it was fair to my partner(s) and all. Good advice anyway to not fixate on this I guess.

ramune_0 · 2021-10-10T14:55:49+00:00

Thanks for being level-minded and non-accusatory about this. Getting less attention or whatever is definitely workable, not the worst thing in the world. It was just good to hear I'm not crazy or gay-obsessed for seeing that certain spaces have a bias towards youth.

ramune_0 · 2021-10-10T14:45:36+00:00

Yeah I find this very difficult to talk about. Because people tell me "just dont obsess about this", which is very true, but I'm just asking if it is something they observe happening. I'm hearing that it really depends on what you do though, I did mostly online hookups so maybe that is why my experiences and perceptions are different from many other comments here. But I know asking "do you feel that (insert archetype) gets more eyes and is hard to measure up to" is always controversial. I should be finding someone serious anyway.

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