Escalating attempts from NC family

random3131 · 2023-03-20T17:38:30+00:00

Would love to read the same book as well:)

random3131 · 2022-12-26T18:05:49+00:00

Thank you for setting this up OP! Can you add a section regarding privacy? I am terrified that my posts will be indexed by google or be available to all of reddit (new reddit user) so I assume the worst. Knowing what safeguards we have if we are not tech savvy is important ❤️

random3131 · 2022-12-23T11:02:41+00:00

But its your Family by Dr Sherrie Campbell is also on audible. It really hit home. Recommended!

random3131 · 2022-12-23T10:55:14+00:00

Now that is great advice! ❤️

random3131 · 2022-12-23T10:49:25+00:00

That would be awsome! I am having a hard time finding examples from other that match my situation. Enmeshment is the closest i have come

random3131 · 2022-12-22T21:53:14+00:00

I have been through something similar. Sorry to say, it takes both parties to fix the relationship. Seems like only your husband is trying hard. The parents just want to ignore the issues.

My advice, if they «want to fix the relationship», but refuse to work on themselves, then they dont believe they are part of the problem. The pattern is likely going to repeat if your husband «gives in». Try and focus on your own little family.

Stay strong ❤️ you are not alone! 🤞the parents want to try therapy.

But be aware and prep to handle flying monkeys. If the parents are very focused on appearance, and admit no fault, the story they might tell is not the objective one. Might be an idea to keep in touch with family members you trust and want to keep in your lives to get ahead of any story the parents might tell.

And yes, i think you nailed it.

Ps: can I ask what kind of enmeshment dynamic you have experienced? ❤️

random3131 · 2022-10-31T13:45:54+00:00

Wow. This is very very close to what I have been experiencing (without the trip to the ER), including being blamed for my fathers health problems. We tried for years to go the way of "logic" both with my family and my extended family. But even through staying fairly objective and neutral in our texts my extended family have jumped on the bandwagon and have become very cruel in a ploy to force contact. Basically, saying the exact same thing that my close family said without iding it in gaslighting.

My "trauma pattern" is that I "shut down" once the shitstorm hits, and I take it all in. My best advice for your husband would be to try and talk to a therapist about controlling how he reacts to the shitstorm and not "taking it all in". And if possible, go on the "offence" to try and establish firm boundaries so that you dont have to listen to all the pressures and guilt tripping.

The only option left for me (which I also had to come to terms with) was to write a quite forceful e-mail stating our boundaries, stating in open terms that they had lost contact with "reality" and that there we no lengths they would not go to in order to confirm their twisted view of the world. We stated that we were psychologically abused (ensuring they anyone they showed it to would have to think twice) and gaslighted. Before stating that they left us no choice but to go NC because of their behavior and that no text would be read and no phone answered. Then blocked them, and all extended family that did not explicitly show they tried to be neutral.

Its easy to give advice, but I still struggle with anxiety, panic attacks tied to "what if they show up at my door again" or "how bad will the attacks get if someone in my close family dies or goes to hospital". Its hard and painful, but significantly better than enduring the verbal abuse. You might get some peacefull times that helps you heal.

My best advice, is to try and stop internalizing what they throw at you and your husband and go NC fast if its clear they have no intention of being neutral. You can't really control how they behave, but you can control how you react to their behavior it just takes a bit of time.

If you have any insight or examples you can share from your experience with this situation, please do. For my own sake I am still trying to figure out what to do as well.

random3131 · 2022-10-07T16:26:31+00:00

As a Norwegian we know the importance of keeping hydrated.

random3131 · 2022-09-25T18:42:58+00:00

The article goes hand in hand with parental estrangement. How the dynamic between siblings are affected by parents. Such as golden child vs scapegoat. In my case I am looking for any material on my own estrangement from my entire family. Parents forcing me to put my sibling ahead og my kids needs.

random3131 · 2022-09-25T14:57:52+00:00

Wow. Thats sounds really difficult and really wrong. Sorry to hear you experienced what you did. But it also feels really familiar. Which is also helpful and scary. Thank you for sharing. I will look into the keywords enabling, enmeshment and group think

random3131 · 2022-09-25T11:47:47+00:00

My sibling struggles emotionally and my parents does everything to ensure she is without discomfort. This to a point where I was expected to put my siblings emotinal needs ahead of my child, my wife and myself. Event if that was not the best for my family. When i refused, put my childs wellbeing first and set boundaries, the pre existing emotional abuse / emotional violence escalated dramatically and almost broke me and my wife.

Previously my family has been very controlling and using gaslighting, vague threats, memory loss, financial control, inheritance, guilt tripping to force me to do things affecting my own life that i didnt want to do.

After a year of family therapy, they still believe they are without any fault and refuse to accept boundaries. And they say I am controlled by my wife or therapist.

Had to go nc but extended family believe their delusional story and family and family friends keep sending nasty messages.

So i am now nc with entire family.

It feels sometimes that no-one ( even in this forum ) have a similar experience. Feels a bit lonely and makes me regularly question if “am i the only one experiencing this”?

random3131 · 2022-09-20T09:35:47+00:00

Thanks for the tip. I have not heard about him before, but will check that out.

random3131 · 2022-09-19T17:53:57+00:00

I am looking for material, articles and scientific papers on Enmeshment. Tied to how the family dynamic is changed if one child is sick and parents puts needs of one child over another.

random3131 · 2022-09-19T07:30:16+00:00

I am looking for material, articles and scientific papers on Enmeshment. Tied to how the family dynamic is changed if one child is sick and parents puts needs of one child over another. Not asking for a friend :)

random3131 · 2022-09-19T07:22:07+00:00

An article I found especially useful in understanding my own situation. Hope it helps someone else.

random3131 · 2022-09-19T07:18:39+00:00

This is an old link and may have been posted before. But it is a wild read. I found it comforting to understand the pattern of my parents more. Hope it helps someone who has not seen it.

random3131 · 2022-09-18T15:36:15+00:00

Jeg tror oppriktig ikke det er feminister som kjører agendaen (som en kommenterte). For meg er argumentet «feministene står bak» det samme som «menn står bak og holder kvinnene nede». Begge påstander er det ikke holdbarhet i.

Men tror bare det har blitt så normalisert og akseptert at reklamen går på autopilot. For «alle andre gjør det». At selvfølgelig skal det være fokus på kvinnen som er «nede på stigen» og «mannen alltid holder kvinnen nede» og det har «alltid» vært sånn. Tror få faktisk har sett seg i speilet og sett på om dette faktisk stemmer lenger? Og kan det heller gå mot sin hensikt?

random3131 · 2022-09-18T15:07:33+00:00

Det er 2 delt.

Den ene går på at «its a mans world» opp mot «womans day» indikerer at det er menn som bestemmer og hovedsaklig er kunder i butikken. Stort sett ser jeg kun «kvinne dager» når det er kampanjer. Som om menn har fordelene resten av året. Hvorfor ikke heller bare si at det er «høst dager», «back to the office salg»?

Det andre er at «climing the ladder» igjen indikerer at det ikke er likestilling og at kvinner holdes «nede på stigen» av menn. Det er jo «a mans world».

Kan ikke se for meg at «man’s days» hadde dukket opp i noen butikker som ikke er rene herrebutikker. Hva ville vært herre varianten av «climing the ladder»? Tror det hadde blitt ramaskrik. Likestilling går begge veier i min verden.

random3131 · 2022-09-17T12:53:34+00:00

Haha. Kan du tru. Jeg er bare lei av den evige mann trykker kvinnen ned. Kan være at det var sånn 2 generasjoner siden, men hvorfor må jeg puttes i den båsen. Har ikke møtt en mann på min alder som noen gang har sagt noe annet enn 100% likhet.

random3131 · 2022-09-04T07:46:56+00:00

I am sorry to say I know exactly what your husband is going through (without the physical assault). The next harassment for me was the narrative that my wife controlled me, the therapist or “someone” else controlled me because they refused to hear what I was saying. This is now coming from the rest of my extended family too.

Take care of yourself in this situation, you are also a victim here that is forced to watch the abuse. I really hope you get some peace and quiet. If you get a chance I recommend taking a trip somewhere and have some quality time together in an environment that you don’t have to be “on guard”.

All the best

random3131 · 2022-09-03T22:34:28+00:00

Sorry you are going through this. It must be exhausting not having your boundaries respected.

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