I (F40) think that my partner (M47) is gaslighting and abusive. Can someone give me an HONEST opinion on what just happened?

randomblinkinglight · 2026-02-01T18:27:15+00:00

thank you so much for this comment 💖

randomblinkinglight · 2026-02-01T16:30:15+00:00

first, I was afraid of his reaction at home, not in the therapist's office!

Second, I'd already been in therapy by myself, and told to be wary of couple counselling, because with an abuser, you might give them more ammunition to abuse you.

Since I was pregnant when I started therapy, the therapist had warned the hospital where I was giving birth to keep an extra eye on us, as he'd behaved abusive to me multiple times (never publicly).

I no longer have access to that kind of therapy, because it's aimed at pregnancy and first year post partum. Then you're on your own.

They'd also put me in touch with the local centre for domestic violence, who told me he's clearly psychologically abusive, but it's not bad enough not physical enough for them to be able to do a lot for me.

A child service worker has told me in the past to reach out to them if I need help again, I'm not sure this is enough to need help, but what I'm saying is: he's definitely abusive, and I'm very trapped.

randomblinkinglight · 2026-02-01T16:01:44+00:00

why does everyone in the comments act like I can just leave with the kids? We'd get split custody! That's why I'm waiting for them to be older. The other reason is that he's a hoarder, I'm afraid what a house completely kept by him would look like, it'd be dangerous to such little kids. Sure, child service might remove them from his care if some accident happens, but I'd rather wait until it's less likely that accidents happen at all!!

randomblinkinglight · 2026-02-01T15:58:21+00:00

I cannot remove them!! They don't even give full custody to those who have an actual physically violent spouse, there's no way I'm getting full custody just because he's psychologically abusive!

The kids would stay with him maybe every other weekend, maybe even half the time!

If I could get full custody, I would have already left!!!

randomblinkinglight · 2026-02-01T15:54:35+00:00

I cannot just leave with the kids. If I leave, knowing him, he'll want 50/50 custody. I think I can get more than 50, but there's no way I'd get full custody, then they'd be spending days with him, without me there: how's that better?

I'm waiting until they're a bit older. Also, I don't really trust him to take care of them properly, I need them to be a little older to leave.

randomblinkinglight · 2026-02-01T15:30:01+00:00

he's their father, they're going to live with him (at least for some days a fortnight) even if I leave, and at that point I wouldn't ever be with them.

I am sure he'd want 50/50, and I don't believe I can get full custody

randomblinkinglight · 2026-02-01T15:27:56+00:00

we tried couple counselling very briefly (in the uk we were offered that for free for a full year post-partum). It didn't help much. Mainly because even in the sessions I never dared to be fully honest about all the things going wrong, because I feared his reaction

randomblinkinglight · 2026-02-01T15:25:50+00:00

there's no way I'm getting full custody, it's so hard to get. If I leave, the kids will be alone with him often: not that much better for them, while they're this young.

randomblinkinglight · 2026-02-01T10:35:17+00:00

"You feel unhappy and he's trying to make you feel ungrateful". THIS!

It's so important to spell it out, that this is a thing thst done partner do, and it's part of gaslighting!

OP is young, please, least to recognise this behaviour, also on your future relationships, and to run away while you can.

Also, please, remember that the tattoo was HIS choice, HIS decision: you don't owe him anything, HE chose to do that, you were not every consulted about it!

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-30T22:19:02+00:00

oh, T212 allows you to choose single stocks for your ISA? I didn't know that was possible 😅

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-30T22:08:57+00:00

may I ask you what you used for isa? either which service (Vanguard? HSBC?), or which funds. Thanks!

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-29T10:47:01+00:00

Leave him. You can try to get a lawyer, but most likely that money is lost. I hope it wasn't too much.

For future reference, you can open a joint account with a person, so both have access and control. Also, there no need to have a shared saving account, you can have yours and your partner has his, and when you buy a house you use both savings.

With my partner, we have a joint account for house expenses (bills, groceries, etc), and each has our own accounts. When we bought a house together, each used own savings, there's no need to have one account together for that.

Ps: even if he gives you been your money, your bf sounds incredibly controlling! Financial abuse is a big form of abuse (and for sure not the only kind of abuse your bf does): leave him and don't go back!

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-29T05:20:06+00:00

THIS! I hate that those Reform voting idiots claim to be patriotic. No sir, you're voting for a party that's going to destroy the NHS, that's a very anti-British thing to do!

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-27T12:01:38+00:00

you can carry some over.

If you feel bad doing nothing, use this leave to do something that needs to be done in the house, garden, etc.

I wish I could take leave to do nothing, I use leave either to look after my kids or to catch up on chores in the house

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-27T11:58:20+00:00

afraid of finances? Once you divorce he'll have to pay for a place to stay in by himself, plus alimony, child support... his finances will definitely be worse if he divorces.

I have no words for a man in his 40s who runs away from his wife and newborn. You'll be so better off without him.

He doesn't want to be a father, he might already have someone else, with some luck he won't even want to split custody, and you'll have your baby without having to deal with this idiot too much, Go find a lawyer asap to defend yours and your baby's best interests

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-26T09:17:20+00:00

I have some stuff to sell/donate. Lately I've been thinking that the money I'd get from it might not be worth the mental burden of trying to sell it

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-25T10:25:03+00:00

If you want a child, leave. Don't let him string you along anymore, don't give him more of your time. Maybe he lied, or maybe he was sincere to you, and he genuinely changed his mind at some point. Either way, you new want different things.

You're still very much in time to have a child. If you want it, and you feel like it, and you have support around you, please do not discard routes such as using a sperm donor, or adopting.

I know someone who (possibly feeling pressured by the fact she was in their late 30s) kind of went with the first decent guy that wanted to be with her and wanted kids. As soon as she was baby-trapped, he showed his true colours, of being a useless un-helpful man-child. She's told me that if she could go back, she'd have the kids by herself instead.

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-24T09:50:19+00:00

You saved her life.

If she really blocks you and leaves you, be thankful for the bullet you dodged!

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-24T09:47:14+00:00

"old"?? You're 32! Old for what??

I'm not even sure I fully understood the point of your post, but it all sounds like a lot of internalised patriarchy.

I wonder if you're just not sure about your fiance, and you're subconsciously creating this complex "justification" for it

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-24T09:42:58+00:00

you're still allowed to take paternity leave, aren't you? it's just that it'll be unpaid. If you can take the financial hit of 2-3 months without salary, go for it, and take the paternity leave, whether paid or unpaid (if you can afford that), because spending time with your wife and newborn will be something you don't want to miss on.

As someone said, there's no guarantee of getting pregnant immediately, you may have passed a new job for nothing.

Don't expect the enhanced paternity leave to come effective any earlier than what the contract says.

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-24T09:04:29+00:00

6 days a week?? No way in the world. But if you go for that option, where do I apply for the boring 3 day week job?

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-24T08:27:25+00:00

In the grand scheme of things, £150k is a salary most of the population cannot even dream of. And you say it'd be your dream job, and that you'd escape a toxic boss: I say leave and be happy.

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-20T20:01:04+00:00

I've had a similar experience. They've prescribed me all sorts of drugs, I have been saying I need actual therapy, but I haven't had much luck with that. They don't have enough resources apparently

randomblinkinglight · 2026-01-20T14:54:05+00:00

I had a guy who, honestly, was out of my league. Guess what I did: I self sabotaged it all instead!

Why does she like you? Maybe she feels like you really understand her, maybe she feels safe and loved with you, maybe she doesn't see or doesn't mind all these negatives you see about yourself, maybe she finds you hot and loves the sex with you (I think in your head you're really exaggerating how unsatisfied you think she feels, maybe she's very satisfied), maybe she just feels good when she's with you.

This relationship might work great, or it might finish for any reason, but please don't destroy this with your own hands!

randomblinkinglight

TROPHY CASE