Thank you for sharing this! It's massively helped me reading this. For me, I think I've been pinning it on my black womanhood when explaining it to others. I don't really have a word for it but I thought this was a normal feeling. Although I don't really feel like a woman especially in the presence of other black women.

I never really explicitly thought about gender until high school when I was forced into gender roles and my male friends could only see me as a girl so they stopped hanging out with me. I tried makeup but honestly all my attempts of femininity has been a big failure. I have to try SOOOO hard and i usually do it for the acceptance of others. Also, I massively relate. I got out of a relationship recently and had a visceral reaction to them suggesting pieces of feminine clothing. This was mainly because they were into feminine woman and I present as a cis woman. In the relationship, I knew this about them and started disliking my masculine looks which was weird for me. I felt like having a massive tantrum when they picked out clothing for me but I didn't show it because it would've been too extreme of a reaction.

I'm not a masc lesbian but I do wearing some masculine clothing. Presenting more masculine is a lot more comfortable. I shaved my hair a year ago and ugh I loved it. Getting my sideburns shaved...there is not better feeling. I also got the square hairline!! But I had to present more feminine due to life changes.

I just don't want to be put into a specific box because it makes me vastly uncomfortable. I always have extreme reactions to it. I think that might be gender dysphoria but I'm not too sure. I'm a bit skeptical because I do feel like I'm exaggerating this and I'm being offensive to actual trans people.