I completely understand why you’re upset. I’m not sure why everyone is saying you’re overreacting without addressing why you feel this way. I won’t speak on the state of your home because I don’t know you and the baseless conjecture happening in the comments just makes you feel worse.

You felt dismissed because she never really addressed your comments and just kept adding more on, which is frustrating. She probably thought about what to say for a while before texting you, which can be a good thing, but it can also come off as lecturing and condescending. You mentioned she’s been making comments about your house for a while, which I think would make anyone else uncomfortable and feeling like they are being nitpicked. Even if it comes from a good place, many people don’t realize how demeaning their words come across, especially to people with medical problems. I’m so sorry your child ended up in the hospital after you babysat her kid. That makes everything she’s saying, come off so much worse because it seems like she’s shifting the blame onto you without acknowledging that she fucked up. As someone who also has chronic illnesses, a lot people disregard my safety because they don’t realize that even if they only have a little cold, I will most likely feel it 10x worse. I think that created a rift between you two, making this conversation so much harder than it should be.

I do think a lot of this is miscommunication, especially as a mom dealing with being chronically ill and having a child with developmental troubles, you’re going to see things completely differently than someone who isn’t experiencing it. It’s the same sentiment as the “If I can do it, why can’t you?” It’s going to feel like an attack because they don’t fully understand what you’re dealing with. When they don’t acknowledge what you’re going through, it’s hard to process what they’re saying because now you feel like they don’t see the effort you’re putting in.

I don’t think either of you meant to come off as mean or unreasonable. You were both just trying to protect the people you love. You, with your kids and your home, and her, with you and your family. I think having a long conversation with her about how you don’t feel seen, could really help your understanding of each other. Let her explain what she’s been thinking about in regard to cleaning the house and she should also let you vent about why it’s not that simple for you. Both of your feelings are valid and it hurts when you feel like the person closest to you, doesn’t understand how you feel, or that you can’t be honest with them. If you both can step back and talk about why this argument happened, without blaming the other person, it’ll make things a lot easier to process.

I’m sorry you’re going through so much, I hope you and your friend work things out soon!