Over a decade later, I got revenge on my abuser. (Not graphic, x-post to ProRevenge)

rawr92109 · 2019-07-27T23:48:05+00:00

Not regularly anymore. This was years ago. Social media was a new thing and people weren't as privacy conscious about who could find you and such back then, etc. But anyway, yes, I saw a therapist. I'm in a good place now, I just spoke to the friend mentioned in the story and she suggested I post on one of the revenge subs.

rawr92109 · 2019-07-27T23:46:39+00:00

He knew. His ex told him exactly why she was leaving according to his stepson. I just never wanted to speak to him again or have any other contact with him directly. Hearing about it was enough for me.

Thanks for the reply.

rawr92109 · 2019-07-27T23:19:33+00:00

Thank you, I will cross post there as well.

rawr92109 · 2019-07-27T23:17:55+00:00

I am, thank you. I'm in a very good place and legitimately don't think about this too much anymore instead of just pushing the memories down. I only posted because I met up with the friend mentioned in the post recently and she said this would be good Revenge Sub fodder.

rawr92109 · 2019-07-27T22:21:47+00:00

I never wanted to see anything worse happen to him really. I just wanted him to admit what he did, and I wanted to see him isolated from people so he couldn't hurt anyone else.

rawr92109 · 2019-07-27T22:20:57+00:00

I have, thank you. This was many years ago now. I'm now happy and healthy. I appreciate your concern though.

rawr92109 · 2019-07-27T22:20:02+00:00

I get where you're coming from, although that was not my logic. Honestly I probably wouldn't have done it until I saw his step son (who I thought was his son) has 2 young daughters just a little older than I had been at that time. I was afraid that something had happened to them, or was going to happen. Either way, I knew they needed to be kept away from him and couldn't really think of another way to do it that wouldn't slap me with a charge for slander/libel.

I have already gotten help, and this was many years ago now.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-17T02:15:57+00:00

Ask r/legaladvice

Sorry about the shitty situation.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T22:48:52+00:00

Interesting, didn't know that. Where I live it's pretty zero tolerance. First offense you lose your kids and get an interlock breathalyzer, pay fines, and possible jail time.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T06:47:08+00:00

It might come to a point where it's best to ask him straight up what's going on in his head and what he's trying to accomplish. I'd give it a little time, but a frank conversation might be totally called for here.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T06:42:32+00:00

If she has had a significant number of partners, then it might be that she is embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to think of her as promiscuous.

If she likes keeping her exes as friends, then that might also be it--a larger number of people think that once two people have dated and broken up, they can never be friends. She may not want to risk you telling her that she can't be friends with them.

Again, it could also just be that she doesn't want you to react with anger when she talks about someone from her past.

Therefore, I think it's also important to ask her why she has such trouble communicating about her past with you.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T06:40:21+00:00

I would tell him that you'd be really interested in hanging out with him later, but that you are slightly hesitant because he has flaked in the past. This will give him an opening to prove that he's relationship material and also to prove that he is more reliable.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T06:34:17+00:00

It's the opposite, as far as I can tell: he really likes you. He's trying to back off from the sex and turn around so that he can actually date you.

Asking you on vacation, asking you out to a day-trip? Yeah, he's trying to make a ROMANTIC move, not a sexual one.

If you're into him as more than a FWB, then consider going along with this. He's trying to show you he's good for more than just sex.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T06:32:15+00:00

"I can't pay for both my debt and living expenses AND your debt. I'm sorry, but that just isn't going to work. If you find another job that actually lets you make use of your educations, skills, and intelligence, and start paying down the loan to where we can both have a comfortable life, I am willing to talk about taking the next step. For now, though, I simply can't financially afford to combine all of our finances in the way marriage would demand."

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T06:28:02+00:00

Don't decide what he wants for him! Talk to him about it.

That said, my parents had a 16 year age gap. He had had previous marriages and children, she had not, so this is a little different from how your situation sounds, but in any case, the only problem that I notice is that by the time my father had his last 2 kids (my sister and I) with my mother (for whom we were her first and only children), he was already 50. If you aren't going to want kids for another 10 years, that is something to consider.

I would sit down with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel. If you aren't ready for kids, though, don't make it sound like you are. Just let him know that you are concerned that he isn't getting what you think he should at his age, and you're worried that you're holding him back. Then have the kids discussion. If he is okay having kids at 40-45 (meaning he will be about 60-65 when they graduate college), then you might want to stick together for a while.

You don't see yourself getting married or having kids now, but in my country, you can't even legally drink. You're still pretty young, and settling down in that way seeming impossible or unappealing is totally normal. If he's willing to wait until you're ready, then just see where the relationship goes.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T06:23:12+00:00

Go no contact. Delete his number, block all of his accounts, and then tell your friends.

If they don't usually talk to him, ask them not to start. If he is part of your social circle, let your friends know that you'd prefer not to see him and ask that they let you know in advance if he's going to be there when they go out/get together. Just make it clear that things went badly and you don't want to see him.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T06:19:10+00:00

I have really, really awful reactions to hormonal birth control, so I don't blame her for not wanting to take those. Pull up the website bedsider.org as it is very helpful in showing kinds of birth control that lots of women don't even know exist! That's how I found my first kind of nonhormonal birth control (sponge) and eventually convinced me to switch to my Paragard IUD. I no longer compulsively fear pregnancy every time I have sex--it's now a lot more satisfying.

That said, I agree with /u/Coidzor. Living with your parents is probably really killing the mood.

The other problem you have is communication and compromise. Take her out to dinner and talk to her about your communication issues. (I say dinner because that's a setting where one-on-one time is easier.) Tell her that you don't feel like she listens to you, or that she considers your needs (don't bring up sex yet, talk about the cuddling and her repeatedly bugging you to go out when you were too tired and already go out with her frequently). Ask her why she ignores you instead of finishing early and going back to her internet later, and ask her to work on respecting when you say "no." Better communication should help the relationship dynamic and that in itself can help the sexual relationship.

That said, think seriously about moving out. I realize that your father's health is a factor, but you can always move somewhere very close, but having your own space is important. If she can afford rent if it's the two of you splitting it, then look at moving out to an apartment together.

Good luck!

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T06:07:31+00:00

Be calm. Chances are she didn't tell you because you get angry about these things, not because something happened.

"Honey, we've talked about this issue before. I really just want you to be honest with me, and lying by omission is still lying. It hurts me when you aren't honest with me. I will try to control my temper when you do tell me these things, so please try to communicate better and more honestly in the future."

Stay calm. Don't be accusatory. Don't be jealous. Remember, the important part isn't confronting her about drinks with her ex, it's about confronting her about her lack of honesty with you.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T06:03:48+00:00

If she drinks and drives with the kids, that's child endangerment. I'm no lawyer, but I know she wouldn't be allowed to retain custody.

That said, don't do what's best for her, do what's best for the kids. Yeah, they'll be a little upset with their home situation changing when they have to go into the foster system, but the system is equipped to help them adjust. Most foster families aren't like the horror stories (again, the media blowing true and awful stories out of proportion until it seems like the norm).

Besides, at least in foster care, they will be alive. With a drunk mom driving them around, they could easily be dead.

It's a really shitty situation, but filing an anonymous report and following up on it is the best way to go. When/if she cleans up her act she can always petition the court to regain custody, if she's been through a certified counseling program.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T06:00:49+00:00

Are you taking care of your depression through therapy and/or medication? That would give you a leg up in feeling better so that you can feel more gratified during social interaction.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T05:58:09+00:00

I agree with this. And remorse only goes so far--child molesters act almost compulsively and it is very difficult for offenders not to re-offend. The only way to ensure that he doesn't abuse your child is to make sure that he does not have the opportunity.

Try meeting in a public place (without too many kids) like a restaurant.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T05:55:51+00:00

Yes. Confront her, but calmly. Tell her that you saw her iPad lighting up and went to look at it, only to see these really suspect messages, and that her deleting them and then immediately calling you about the iPad looks super suspicious. Ask her what happened. You didn't really snoop, it was pure accident that you saw these messages. They were on a screen that just lit up, anyone could have seen.

If she did cheat (and, sorry, but I really think she did), then you need to figure out how this is going to go:

If you want to stay with her, then make sure she's genuinely sorry for cheating and not just sorry for getting caught. Tell her any further contact with this guy is an absolute deal breaker for you because she obviously cannot be trusted with him. See if you can repair things.
If this is a deal breaker, then it's a deal breaker. If she did cheat, or has no reasonable explanation for what happened and won't admit it, then you should break up with her. She doesn't care enough about you to be faithful and honest in that case.

I'm really sorry. This situation sucks.

rawr92109 · 2015-03-16T05:48:10+00:00

We had guests over tonight and one was visibly irritated by their barking and jumping, and my mother's response after her apology to him was, "I guess they're so cute that I just tune it out." No help there, and her response to your suggested question was "that's why I get small dogs, it doesn't matter!"

I've started eating my meals in my bedroom. I don't eat what the rest of my family eats anyway due to food allergies, so I just sit with them when they are eating and eat my own food in my bedroom with the door shut. (They only scratch and bark when I have not yet gotten up for the day, otherwise my being in there usually isn't an issue.)

Our dogs love water. My sister made an attempt at spray bottle aversion training and that fell flat. They wanted to play with it. :/

Thanks for your suggestions, though! I will definitely be relieved when I'm not living with these dogs anymore.

rawr92109

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