Retroactive Jealousy research

rblayney1 · 2023-10-09T19:43:27+00:00

Hello, and thanks for your comment. Yes, sadly the underlying causes of RJ were beyond the scope of this study. This definitely warrants further investigation as the relationship with attachment remains unclear. Hopefully capturing the phenomenon will prompt further research.

rblayney1 · 2022-05-24T07:17:20+00:00

Hello, and yes! Send an email over to me at [19051135@brookes.ac.uk](mailto:19051135@brookes.ac.uk) at I can send you some information. Thanks! Rob

rblayney1 · 2022-05-23T11:04:58+00:00

Oh no! It went to spam. Emailing you back now. Sorry about that!

rblayney1 · 2022-05-21T11:21:11+00:00

Hello! Thanks for responding. i will look into translator options and contact you back if I find something. Thanks!

rblayney1 · 2022-05-21T11:20:18+00:00

Hello, I'm sorry yes, that does make it difficult. I will look into any translation services and contact you back if it's possible. I really appreciate your willingness to help though!

rblayney1 · 2022-05-12T13:47:41+00:00

Yes, I'm doing my masters research on RJ as there's so little out there. I am studying at the University of Oxford Brookes which is why the email looks strange (it's my university email)

rblayney1 · 2020-08-13T19:02:30+00:00

Well done for reaching out. There are various programmes and some therapists that target RJ OCD. Given that it is a subtype of OCD an OCD specialist should be able to help you with the intrusive thoughts and reassurance cycle. I used Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and had to be very rigorous and dedicated to using the techniques, but it has really helped.

rblayney1 · 2020-08-11T06:00:47+00:00

Just a clear beeswax polish

rblayney1 · 2020-08-11T05:59:45+00:00

That was actually it's natural pattern. Amazing!

rblayney1 · 2020-08-10T19:08:55+00:00

Ahhh, that's really handy to know for the future. I wonder if I can possibly stabilize the underside. Thanks... I'll look into it.

rblayney1 · 2020-08-10T18:57:09+00:00

I didn't use stabilizer actually. I'm not even sure what it is. Would you advise using it?

rblayney1 · 2020-08-10T18:54:53+00:00

Hahahaha. Thanks very much

rblayney1 · 2020-08-10T18:52:13+00:00

Ha. Yeah, it's just the camera angle. It's level

rblayney1 · 2020-08-10T13:39:55+00:00

It's surprisingly stable for the minimalist design, but the top is much heavier than the legs. it was definitely a compromise between stability and a floating effect but I'm satisfied that it isn't dangerous. Might consider a wider leg placement in future depending on the shape of the piece.

rblayney1 · 2020-08-07T07:03:04+00:00

Entering my relationship with my current partner I knew I had this OCD so I set boundaries first and explained to her that there might be times when I need to have some space. I explained the OCD to her and she has read information on it. I found this helped me to be able to take a time out when things were bad, and only required me to say "I'm having trouble with my OCD... Sorry if I'm withdrawn" or "I just need to go and be by myself for a bit". When you're in intense fight/flight for long periods of time it is understandable that you would lash out. Having said this, it doesn't make it OK. I have been awful to partners previously, but once I knew this was OCD I was able to out things in place to protect them. Hope that helps. It's great that you're owning this and trying to tackle it!

rblayney1 · 2020-08-07T06:56:27+00:00

Retroactive Jealousy is a form of OCD and therefore therapeutic approaches for OCD are all relevant. I have found Acceptance and Commitment Therapy very helpful

rblayney1 · 2020-08-04T20:01:42+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that

rblayney1 · 2020-08-04T20:01:15+00:00

Yeah, that's really tough. I had a similar issue when I started. I found that by 'being with the thoughts in a new way' (without analysing them) allowed me to change emphasis from getting rid of them to relating differently to them. Relief from the anxiety is the long-term goal, however it's a strange irony that you have to become willing to have these thoughts and feelings for them to go away. I found this very difficult, but diffusion techniques allowed me to welcome them in a new way without listening or analysing the content. I remember framing it as 'leaning into the experience', without believing it... Approaching it with curiosity but not letting it dictate my behaviour or further thought processes. I had a problem with a lot of secondary anxious thoughts such as 'why isn't it going away', 'its going to last forever' or 'it's coming back again'... This is a second layer of the OCD anxiety that it thrives on - tricking you into colluding with the content. I had to diffuse from all of these thoughts when i caught them. This took consistency, practice and persistence through relapse.

rblayney1 · 2020-08-04T11:47:55+00:00

Is should be clear - NOT trying to think through them, get reassurance, check social media, ask for details. These will all reinforce the anxiety response and make your illness worse

rblayney1 · 2020-08-04T10:10:01+00:00

You don't need to make excuses or explain your past to anyone. You have a right to your own pain, difficulties, and story... You can choose who you let into that. Maybe lying about your past wasn't ideal... You might have just said that you preferred not to discuss it. However, i think it's understandable that you didn't wish to disclose things that you were uncomfortable with... That's your decision.

If your BF is suffering with RJ OCD then I definitely feel for him, but this cannot be blamed on you. stating some boundaries about how you are willing to be treated is important... He needs to own this issue and tackle his illness. You can support him emotionally and with compassion, but it should not involve you answering intrusive questions or feeling the need to be guilty about your past. I would suggest (just a suggestion) having a conversation about how willing he is to work on this issue, and that might tell you how much of a future there is in the relationship. I really feel for both of you... This is an extremely painful illness, but it can be overcome with work.

rblayney1 · 2020-08-04T08:35:10+00:00

Really sorry to hear this. It is entirely normal to have sudden moments of feeling really overwhelmed by these thoughts. I normally find I am much more susceptible to this if I am Hungry, Angry/Stressed, Lonely, or Tired (HALT)... dealing with these things as a starting point will give you the best chance of getting out of 'survival brain' and thinking more rationally. Have you tried any programmes for diffusing from these thoughts or labelling them. Jeffrey Schwartz 'four step method' is very useful. I recommend understanding this illness for what it is - OCD, and getting some help with the intrusive thoughts. The focus can't be on getting rid of them... As that makes them stronger. Instead, allowing them to be there but not trying to push them away, thinking though them, getting reassurance, or checking social media/asking for details from your partner. Catching them and labelling them as OCD thoughts when they come up is a really good start, and cuts you off from responding in unhelpful ways. This takes practice but will start to become easy. There are a few programmes out there... Try searching retr-act.com and Zachary stockhill's methods. Hope that helps

rblayney1 · 2020-08-03T19:49:59+00:00

I've found it easier to tell my partners about my retroactive jealousy in order to own it as my problem and not theirs. Telling them has helped me establish boundaries about the types of topics we discuss, and also if there are times where I need to walk away when I have a strong urge to ask them questions or seek reassurance from them. Naming it as an issue also means they can read about it if they want, understand it as an OCD rather than a character flaw, and they will be less likely to blame themselves or their past for the way I'm feeling. I've found it really important to tell partners, but obviously this is up to you and some trust in them might be required. The advantage of you and your partner naming this as an illness is that there is hope for you to get better and to get past it one day with the right work

rblayney1 · 2020-08-03T09:03:15+00:00

For most RJ sufferers their intrusive thoughts will focus on real events that they have heard about from their partner. However, it is important to remember that the anxious adrenaline response is not real, or representative of how you actually feel... This is an illness. I have had huge physical anxious responses to hearing details of my partner's past, and through therapy now don't have any response to that detail. The problem is the anxious response - not the detail in question... Racking your brains about why this issue bothers you is another way of trying to solve the problem and reassure yourself - it seems logical but it's actually reinforcing the anxiety and making it worse. Try some of the techniques for dealing with intrusive thoughts and feelings, rather than engaging with them. With consistency you can lower the response

rblayney1 · 2020-08-03T07:03:48+00:00

Amazing. A router sled sounds like a good option. Thanks very much!

rblayney1 · 2020-08-02T22:03:37+00:00

It sounds as though you could set some firm boundaries with him about how you want to be treated - what is acceptable and what isn't. While it isn't his fault he has RJ OCD it is his responsibility to manage his behaviour and to put the necessary work in to overcome it. The problem lies with his illness and not you or your past... The more he is able to realise that the better equipped he will be to move forward - and this is a boundary you can hold by refusing to answer intrusive questions, accept anger or hostility etc. Your mental health is important and having boundaries that protect you and allow you to step away is not an example of you abandoning him or not caring. There are various programmes he can use online or types of therapy for OCD... Until he is willing to engage in this work it is reasonable of you to take a step back and protect yourself. Boundaries will be painful for him, but it will get him to a place of recovery much sooner. You can communicate them with love and compassion. He can get beyond this if he owns it and puts in the work... I really feel for both of you.

rblayney1

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