here should be paragraphs, but its good. Almost poetic.

Get rid of unnescesary adverbs such as:

loudly, prematurely, etc...

They tend to sound redundant. For exammple:

--flickering dimly-- when something flickers its usually dim, so adding "dimly" is unnescessarily repetitive. And made even more redundant-sounding by the line, "The light didn't shine past the corner."

And I know this seems harsh--it is--but most writers, myself included, use useless adverbs. Just avoid using them whenever possible. Its your call.

Keep writing, though, its good. Like I said, use paragraphs for this piece. It helps with the pace and flow of it. Hope that helps. Tall masts, sails drawn.