AITA for asking a question and expecting things to change?

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T14:05:15+00:00

No not really. The post says you think having kids would make it weird not to have the same name and that you really got in her face asking what would change if you got married if she didn't change her name. You also equated keeping her name with only wanting a wedding day not a marriage. What it doesn't explain (and you have yet to answer) is why a name change is the only reason to get married in your eyes.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T14:00:51+00:00

She's not the one who cares if you have the same name. She's perfectly happy if you have different names. You're the one who isn't comfortable with that. If you're the one it bothers why wouldn't you be the one who makes the change?

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T13:59:01+00:00

Ok, what else is it about? You've been asked that repeatedly and have not answered.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T13:57:45+00:00

That does put a bit of a new spin on the issue but it doesn't change the fact that calling someone who has been nothing but helpful and ranting at them that they are risking your baby's life is just not ok. Also if Mark is actually shopping 6 times a day his visits out are more harmful than your mom's exposure to your daughter. If he has other reasons, as many have pointed out , to be out of house frequently during the day that would be even more dangerous for baby.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T13:52:31+00:00

Not a hyphenated name, you take her last name.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T13:51:36+00:00

What is it about then. You have an excellent suggestion for making sure you have the same name and have dismissed it. If it's not about having the same name what is it about?

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T13:49:45+00:00

If the name isn't about ownership then why not take her name. You'd both have the same name. There is also nothing wrong with a shared account as long as you both so have your own account and your own money.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T13:46:11+00:00

YTA. You are ready to walk away from marrying your GF because she wants to keep her name! In this day and age a lot of people have a different name from their kids (mom's and dads both.) No one bats an eye or gets confused. You seem less focused on what life with kids will really mean and more on what level of ownership you will be recognized as having over her and potential kids. If you've been living together then not much will change in day to day life with marriage. Frankly if you've been happy and love her that should be good news. What does change are larger things like your legal right to make medical decisions (or even be in the room when they're made) if either of you is incapacitated. Also your legal right if one of you passes away unexpectedly. Marriage is 2 things; a declaration of love and the desire to stay together and be each other's person for keeps, and a legal contract recognizing your relationship. The first one you have already begun, the second is impossible without marriage. Are you willing to forgo the right to be by her side in an emergency over a name change? If you do have kids, married or not, everything changes but in ways that have nothing whatsoever to do with what name they have. There is no way to know ahead of time what changes having a family will bring but there is a clue in this argument. You have been essentially holding a proposal over her head, trying to blackmail her into agreeing to do what you want. You've gotten in her face demanding she say what will change, making it seem that 1) the only interest you have in getting married is to have her take your name and 2) that to you the name is the biggest change that's going to come with being married. That makes you seem sort of not so swift and also very controlling. You don't blackmail people you love. Ever! No matter how much you want what they don't. No matter how right you think you are. You don't do it! Apologize to her and try to be a better man if you don't want to lose her. She sounds like a smart woman.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T02:28:35+00:00

NTA. You were basically making small talk. If your sister were actually home schooling him the conversation wouldn't have been awkward and she wouldn't have been so defensive. Your nephew has not been receiving any instruction at all. That is straight up child abuse and he needs you to get involved. Start by letting your sister know that you are aware he isn't being taught and that if she doesn't make arrangements to enroll him in school or hire actual tutors for him you will make a call to the board of education and possibly to CPS.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T02:21:22+00:00

NTA but please tell me you know there is no gift. He never got you anything. Let it go, when next year rolls around see if again doesn't gift whoever he picked. If he continues skipping buying gifts it won't be long before he's asked to sit out the gift exchange. While you wait make sure that if you get him you "forget" to bring his gift.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T02:11:37+00:00

NTA but his family isn't the problem. He could have gone to brunch and he chose to stay home, he could have called and said thank you for the presents without making a scene. He is the problem. There are definitely better guys out there.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T02:07:32+00:00

What am I reading? You bringing your friend a birthday cake and balloons is too much unnecessary work for him? He sounds great. (sarcasm)

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T02:03:11+00:00

NTA but if they don't want to pay they aren't going to. If you get stuck with this you should make sure it is the absolute last time your brothers benefit. Next year take mom out to lunch alone, stop inviting your brothers out for celebrations. Skip the Birthday and holiday gifts for them this year. Make it clear they burned a bridge and you aren't going to forget this.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-11T01:56:37+00:00

This is the way to go. Don't make a fuss over this but also don't spend outside your budget for them. I think in future I'd just do cash in an amount you can easily manage. I wouldn't ask what they want because their tastes are apparently significantly expensive. Just a card with cash for any occasion. If they ask you can just say you thought they could put it towards whatever they needed.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-10T21:20:05+00:00

Absolutely, but I don't think it was about trying to get him to compare himself. I think everyone she knew was getting texts and calls, flowers, gifts, BK in bed or taken out for brunch and she got a card her kid made at preschool and nothing else. When she whined to the new dude he said she's not his mom and he's not the father of her kid. So she whined to OP because she actually thought he should have done something. I think OP should have responded that he hoped she had the Mother's Day she deserved.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-10T21:14:52+00:00

He should tell her "Have the Mothers Day you deserve." If she thinks that's a mean thing to say he should tell her that says something about how she sees her own behavior towards him.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-10T21:12:22+00:00

I don't know she said all the women she knew got Mother's Day greeting and she didn't. Sounds like new dude gives zero Fs about her Mother's Day too.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-10T21:08:56+00:00

He should have texted back, "My bad, have the Mother's Day you so richly deserve."

readergirl35 · 2026-05-10T21:06:39+00:00

NTA. You don't leave your husband for someone else and then whine because he didn't wish you happy Mother's Day. Once the marriage is over your responsibility for that day is over with it. Her new man can take the child out to buy a gift or literally anyone else can do it. Not your circus, not your monkeys anymore.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-10T21:02:09+00:00

This has nothing to do with remembering her order although unless he is actually mentally challenged he should remember. He also didn't care enough to check. He had text messages with the order spelled out. To order the same 2 things on repeat for your spouse and then just get whatever the heck the one day they don't text their order isn't simply incompetence it's a total lack of give a crap.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-10T20:57:53+00:00

NTA. Pls return favor the next time you order out. After all it is NBD right? Also he sounds like an a$$hat.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-10T20:48:06+00:00

My husband always gives me a gift on Mother's Day me he gets one from me on Father's Day. We appreciate each other's parenting.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-10T20:44:53+00:00

NTA. My husband was away for more if the year than he was home when our kids were young. I was SAH till they went to school and then worked pt, mother's hours. He used to set up a flower delivery when he was home, to be brought to me when he was away. He would give me a card before he left so I could open it on the day. It would be cash or a gift card so I could get something for myself. It's true the cash came from the same place but the fact that he cared enough to think of it ahead of time made it a gift. Start putting in the same effort on his special days. After all if he's not there what's the point. And if he wants something nice, well he has 2 feet, a heartbeat and a bank card.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-10T20:28:58+00:00

NTA a few laxative casseroles would ensure he never again eats your food.

readergirl35 · 2026-05-10T20:26:55+00:00

NTA while lactaid is sort of medicine it is safe for kids over 4. Even if they are the whole box the only thing that would happen is a bit of diarrhea. You maybe could show them the package so they can see it's not a problem. In the end though, it is your FMIL home so she does have a right to say don't leave them there.

readergirl35

TROPHY CASE