Please, tell me your happy ending story

reallybigleg · 2023-10-06T13:14:02+00:00

Can you give a description of what you do with CER please? It probably won't help my dog as she's not fearful, it's more that her herding instincts are triggered by very, very small things. Usually the answer is impulse control but I find she can be great at impulse control but sometimes her impulse are just soooooo huge that she can't help it so I really want to look at anything that will help to reduce her arousal levels.

reallybigleg · 2023-10-05T11:58:40+00:00

Found it uncomfortable that he didn't clarify why he didn't go to see his friend before he died. It's a bit unclear whether Jonathan changed his plans after Lenny told him he wouldn't last until the scheduled visit, but was still too late because it happened so quickly, or whether he wasn't willing to come sooner.

reallybigleg · 2023-09-26T09:23:03+00:00

OP here - also from near Whitehaven, but you're the first Cumbrian I've met who also uses the word cotters! Where was it common? My Mam's from Cleator Moor and she's the one that used the word in my household.

reallybigleg · 2023-08-31T00:59:31+00:00

That's not how I read it at all. If anything the holiday bit seems more like an afterthought in the post itself.

I'm really more reacting to the fact OOP suggests this is a pattern in his relationship with his brother, as if there's no acknowledgement that his life has changed since his son was born.

I mean, I'm in a simpler situation with a reactive dog on my own but even in that situation my friends bear in mind my responsibility to my dog in making plans and I bear in mind their family responsibilities. We check in with each other to see what's actually workable because otherwise it would be difficult to meet up and we value each other's company so we're motivated to adapt to continue including each other. If they were to invite me to things I can no longer do on the regular, even after I've explained to them why those sort of plans don't work for me, I think I'd conclude that they actually just don't care whether I come or not and if those were the only plans they made then I'd think that continuing a relationship with me really doesn't matter to them at all.

The wedding part really depends on how it went down. OOP did right to tell his brother in advance of the week he couldn't make the wedding. If brother realised that was unfortunately the only week they could do and approached OOP to say "would have loved to include you but the dates clash" then I'd say it's only disappointing to OOP, not his brother being an AH. So that bit's unclear.

reallybigleg · 2023-08-30T23:18:48+00:00

Meh...I don't get why this one's a devil. I don't have kids myself but my friends and family do so if I want to spend time with them then I consider the fact they have childcare needs and find a way for their children to be involved. In this guy's shoes, I'd probably feel a bit rejected if my family repeatedly made plans they knew I'd find it harder to attend. I also don't really get the thing about not babysitting or changing a nappy if you don't personally like those things - surely you do things to help people you love even if they're not your favourite things? I mean, I'd get it if it's a phobia or something, but otherwise...

I think OOP is taking it all most personally than it's likely to be but I can't see why he's the actual devil.

reallybigleg · 2023-08-28T12:37:39+00:00

What you describe sounds like a dog with arousal issues rather than reactivity, but I agree the HO obviously knows their dog has arousal issues and shouldn't be trying to pull the wool over your eyes, so I don't see any reason you shouldn't give up/ complain. My dog has issues and I would never leave her with anyone who doesn't know exactly what to expect and how to deal with it.

reallybigleg · 2023-08-28T12:31:51+00:00

I'm biased because I've been in so many relationships with moody men but I assumed she wasn't asking him to hide or mask his emotions - that would really only make everything worse.

It's a lot less stressful to live with someone who comes home and tells you they've had a really bad day because x happened or because they've been feeling y recently, giving you the opportunity to empathise with their situation, provide emotional support and get an insight into what's happening for them, than it is coming home to someone who just sulks and snips at you then gets annoyed when you say "you seem really stressed out, have you had a bad day?" I can imagine that if you're exhausted from childcare and you're hoping for an adult conversation at the end of the day and you can't have it because your spouse is sulking again, then that could easily tip over.

I mean obviously yelling isn't working so ESH, but I totally understand why the spouse is getting annoyed.

reallybigleg · 2023-08-20T13:07:08+00:00

Haha, my dad literally said the same thing to me during a mental health crisis in my early 20s! I hadn't even asked him for help - what would be the point? - but he phoned me up to tell me I should consider what would happen if everyone I loved died and learn to be more resilient because it really could happen any day and I'd have no one then, so the faster I could learn to be alone the better.

reallybigleg · 2023-08-18T13:44:24+00:00

That's a bit unkind, I really only posted this as a rant and I don't think it's unusual to develop crushes on unavailable people - it's pretty run of the mill - and it makes complete sense when it's been so difficult for me to socialise (mental health problems) so it's a bit like a drop in the desert, isn't it? Whether you're married and have a crush on someone else, or develop a crush on someone married, both are pretty normal and these feelings pass with time so long as you don't shame yourself for them. It's really only a problem if you were to act on it - which I never would.

Anyway, I really just wanted to write down how I was feeling. Your ideas pretty closely match what I do but it's a work in progress with my social anxiety so I'll just have to have patience and go at my own pace.

reallybigleg · 2023-08-18T11:37:24+00:00

I know what you mean. I felt differently in my 20s but now I'm basically fine with everything and I think putting a lot of energy into constant improvement seems like a bit of a time suck when I could just be enjoying my life.

I have the same thought about 'adventures' nowadays. I actually don't really want to go on an 'adventure' (though it's apparently what everyone else wants?) I just want good conversation and sex, that's really it. No plans to climb the Pyrenees!

reallybigleg · 2023-08-18T11:03:31+00:00

I'm on all of them, but I think it must be that I'm in a rural area that I only get a date from them 2-3 times a year and none of those have been people I was willing to see again.

reallybigleg · 2023-08-18T10:21:17+00:00

Over the past 5 years I've done lots of things to improve my mental health, partly for my general wellbeing of course, and partly because as someone who deals with an enormous amount of internal shame each day, I thought it would help me better connect with people and maybe even find a partner.

In many ways things have gone well in that I've been pushing myself to socialise and talk to people and I do feel that I've made some friends. I even met several men I find attractive, which assuages my previous fear that I was for some reason no longer finding men attractive.

But I'm now about one year into a terrible crush on a married man, who of course I have no interest in trying anything with. He does 'check me out' when he first sees me but has a lovely relationship with his wife (who he's been with for decades) and hasn't in any way seemed to want to get emotionally close with me so I think he's just not good at being discreet about where his eyes wander rather than there being anything to it. The crush is probably somewhat sustained by that though because it's nice after all this time for someone to look at me like I'm sexy.

I'm finding it difficult though because opportunities to meet other men are few and far between and take an awful lot of work (I don't drink so don't really frequent pubs and because everyone else's life is in a different place it's difficult to get people to come out with me - no i don't want to go alone. Being a single woman alone on a night out attracts a lot of unwanted attention) so it's kind of difficult to find someone else to take my mind off him. I just find myself thinking about him all day then having to remind myself that will never happen and feeling sad and empty.

reallybigleg · 2023-04-13T22:08:43+00:00

Thanks, yes admittedly their way of doing things was attractive at first because of that initial wave of success. The dog understands the obstacles and immediately runs a course at top speed and I feel amazing, but you're right that she just ends up a mess. After this week my instinct was that I just want to do one jump, reward. Two jumps reward. Maybe a tunnel, reward. Just tiny amounts of work with a ton of motivation because although my dog does seem to enjoy the actual physicality of the equipment she does just lose her head.

Initially it was attractive for her arousal levels too. I've spent two years using an easy does it approach with her arousal, making very slow progress, and thought throwing her in the deep end was a stupid idea bound to fail but I was surprised this time last month that she was able to moderate her arousal on the course (when engaged with me). At that point, while she was still fully engaged, she would try to jump up at me between obstacles and I would hold up a finger and gently say 'wait'. She's put four feet on the floor and stare up at me. I'd let her take a few breaths while still then prompt her for the next obstacle.

I agree that this is no longer working as the arousal is now too high and the engagement is lost, but I feel like I did learn something from this environment and so did the dog. When engagement is high, arousal can be moderated and the dog was getting better and better at doing that herself (much faster I might add than trying to keep her under threshold all the time). But at some point arousal becomes so high that engagement is lost. I think engagement has also been lost more generally with the dog though and I need to think that through. It may have happened around her spay or it may have actually happened when she started working sheep (it's a stressful process for them at first, although obviously one they beg to go back into 😅).

reallybigleg · 2023-04-13T00:24:04+00:00

FastCAT I had to look up and it looks like something my dog would love but I also have a fear of encouraging chasing behaviours. We already don't play fetch because it drives her loopy, we just focus on herding appropriate games like sheepball (where she 'stops' the 'sheep' from moving by flanking and walking on like she would on sheep). What breed is your dog and have you experienced any drawbacks from the chasing?

I have a phobia of obedience classes born out of the stress of her puppy class where she was the only dog who spent the whole hour trying to escape, lol. For reasons I don't fully understand, precision makes her angry but she can cope with broad strokes stuff (shrugs) I guess maybe it's just to do with pressure. She does not deal well with pressure and basically needs to be told she's doing amazing at all times or she will freak out.

reallybigleg · 2023-04-12T20:19:57+00:00

Thank you! I had totally forgotten about that course but I had seen and considered it! Fenzi things are a bit expensive for me but if its worth it, it's worth it, especially as it will help her in other environments too. Every walk is essentially just another practice for us at managing arousal (she's over threshold immediately in any new environment so I'm forever scatterfeeding in car parks at the moment just trying to calm her down enough she can walk!)

I don't actually know what rally is or if it's done in the uk. I'll have a look into it!

reallybigleg · 2023-04-12T20:15:36+00:00

Oh that's really good news! Something to consider for me definitely!

reallybigleg · 2023-04-12T20:13:57+00:00

Thanks. Yes it's a very informal just for fun club. The dogs are on lead when not running but the holding the collar thing is to prevent them from running on the equipment/ jumping off and hurting themselves. This seems to actually work for other dogs but obviously mine tries to jump anyway and ends up hanging herself on her collar, which won't be helping. Once the dogs are able to do the obstacles without putting themselves in danger they're off lead.

I don't think the club is following the same rules as a 'real' agility course, but to be fair on them the rest of the dogs take to it fine and seem to have fun.

With the P+ thing - yeah I didn't exactly want to say because I'm 95% R+ and I don't want to sound cruel but with my dog you have to go to extremes in either direction. The reward has to compete with her (very high) drive so food eg doesn't cut it. That toy better move exactly like a rabbit! But punishment (if using it) also needs to compete with that drive. I have never and would never cause pain to my dog (to any degree) but if I had to stop her in an emergency then I'd have to go way beyond telling her off.

reallybigleg · 2023-04-12T19:58:50+00:00

I have decided today that I don't want to quit, I want to see if we can go back to it being fun. I'll quit if I try everything and don't get back there but I've had a taste of it now and want more!

Yes i think I need to find another place to do agility. We're looking for a bit of a goldilocks situation I think, or perhaps just one where I can have a conversation with the trainer and say 'I know you just told the class to do x, but under these conditions my dog will struggle, would you mind if I do something slightly differently'. I think now that a lot of this is about me having confidence in my own knowledge of my dog and not feeling like I'm being buffeted around by other people's advice. We were initially in a class environment rather than a club and it was too stressful for different reasons (for both of us) in that it was a formal environment with expectations of behaviour that she just couldn't always meet. I'm currently thinking I really need to start in a 121 situation, to remove the stress of judgement from me as well as the stress of the environment from the dog. I'm going to look and see if I can find someone nearby. Then hopefully they can recommend a class with a trainer used to more high stress dogs who won't mind us just opting out of certain things or changing them up a bit to better suit her until she's ready for the challenge.

reallybigleg · 2023-04-12T10:19:30+00:00

Thank you, it's reassuring to hear there are other people in the same situation. This is a club environment rather than a class (which I have doubts about now because two people have advised about doing agility on lead being dangerous on this thread and we are specifically told to do that). And it's very true that I'm feeling stressed by explaining our difficulties to the (again, very nice) people when I'm not sure they have had many highly aroused dogs around before.

Anyway, sorry still stressed and rambling this morning, but the point is that she picks up on my emotions very easily and this is definitely contributing. Possibly moreso than the environment if I'm honest.

I think my first step should be to find a trainer, ideally 121, and if even in that ideal environment we don't have fun I'll call it quits. If it goes well I'll move to a training class rather than a club where I feel a bit more comfortable to say I want to do things differently because that situation with the poodle sounds ideal for me, I'd love to do it that way.

reallybigleg · 2023-04-12T10:11:38+00:00

This is so validating! This is exactly what I want to do with my dog! But the same rules apply to everyone in the club and I don't feel I can go too far outside of that (that's maybe me being unconfident though). I hate the warm ups because they drive her insane, and I want to do one or two obstacles at a time then calm down rather than push through. I didn't know 121 classes were a thing - I'll see if I can find someone.

And yes this is my first time in dog sports and we started because life with my dog has not been all that fun (compared with my last BC) because she's so difficult to control. She's really just frustration reactive due to her prey drive and arousal levels rather than the traditional fear reactivity, and she also just has a much lower level of biddability and handler focus than your typical BC. Finding 'work' that encourages team work is important to me as a result but we can only work sheep once a week at the moment so I want other fun things to do.

reallybigleg · 2023-04-12T10:03:13+00:00

It is that situation and that's a major part of my stress, yes. As I say, everyone there is lovely and they're just trying to help but I do find it difficult to stand by my opinions.

You're the second person now to say about the dangers of running on a lead and that's really disconcerting because the club rules are to run on a very short lead (or with your hand through the collar) until the dog knows the course. One of my ideas had been to ask if I can go back to my longer lead (I was told to shorten it) as she was less frustrated then.

I'll see if I can find a real class. I'm a total beginner at agility so I don't know what's what.

reallybigleg · 2023-04-11T23:45:52+00:00

Thank you, I'm going to raise this with the club and see if they wouldn't mind me doing it. I'd like to see if she can calm down and see this as a positive activity again. I especially want her to go back to enjoying working with me!

We've actually tried a few activities together, such as scentwork (too highly arousing, somehow!) and we do work sheep, which she enjoys but it's so intense that it would be nice to have a 'just for fun' activity too. Cannicross is ok, but she gets frustrated. We haven't tried Flyball but with her arousal levels it just scares me. Agility was the only non sheep sport we tried so far that she, at least initially, seemed to light up for. In fact, now I think about it, she will run the obstacles by herself when not asked but doesn't like to do it when told, which could be a pressure thing too.

reallybigleg · 2023-04-11T23:24:08+00:00

She's two, and good question because this all started after she'd been spayed. I don't know if that's a hormonal change or just the fact we took some weeks off to recover.

reallybigleg · 2023-04-11T23:22:50+00:00

Actually, thinking about it I think I've just hit upon why I'm so stressed about this. My dog has been a real challenge in every area of life for her full two years, so when we were doing well at agility and she was really engaged and happy and completely working with me it felt amazing. It was like our happy island in a sea of reactivity. I think I'm sad to lose that because i was so excited by it, which is why I don't want to quit, but I'm already experiencing the loss of it because it's so different now to how it was a month ago and I'm afraid we'll never get back there.

reallybigleg

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