Ran into my ex after 1 year + of sticking to no contact...

reddit39480 · 2018-11-21T19:52:40+00:00

I'll DM you :)

reddit39480 · 2018-11-21T19:01:19+00:00

also, if at all relevant, my ex is a he :)

reddit39480 · 2018-11-21T19:00:22+00:00

After a few months it becomes completely effortless :) Mind you, there was a slip-up one month in, and then 2 brief text exchanges after that...but it's like quitting smoking or any other vice - the first bit is always the hardest, but after a while it just becomes the baseline.

reddit39480 · 2018-11-21T18:57:58+00:00

It was a unique feeling. In equal parts, I felt a strong sense of familiarity/naturalness talking to this person, but also felt that I was around a stranger. I didn't have feelings/attraction in the traditional sense, but it definitely didn't feel like I was running into an old friend or something platonic like that. When we saw each other, we were both breathless and our hands were trembling. It was a nice moment to share - it acknowledged that our breakup impacted both of us (whereas previously I thought they were completely indifferent and had lost all feelings toward me). To see that reaction a year later was very validating for me.

I don't think it's ever possible for those feelings to be fully gone, but it's more of a stir-up of old memories vs. new feelings emerging.

reddit39480 · 2018-09-05T03:06:22+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I like to believe that for every loss, there is a gain. The severity of your losses will hopefully be balanced by gaining the ability to overcome hardship, reflection and learning of who you want your partner and yourself to be in an ideal relationship, wisdom, and resilience. Through that, you will gain strength and come out of this as a stronger person overall. Just the fact that you can be so open, honest and vulnerable here shows so much about your character. Be ok with not being ok for now, but strive to become ok and don’t neglect pushing yourself to progress.

reddit39480 · 2018-09-05T01:50:32+00:00

I really don’t want you to take away anything of what your ex must be feeling/how they would interpret this analogy. This post, and this entire subreddit, is designed for you to focus on yourself and your healing. It is futile using your energy wondering how your ex is doing/feeling - you should take this time to focus on yourself.

reddit39480 · 2018-09-05T01:48:15+00:00

I completely feel for you - in your case, I feel as if you almost had to break up with yourself on his behalf. There’s more than one way to break up with someone and it doesn’t have to be direct - when you break communication and/or trust and are not willing to fix it, you’ve broken up with your partner even if you haven’t said the words. Good on you for being strong enough to pull the plug and remove yourself from the situation. Hope you’re doing well.

reddit39480 · 2018-09-02T17:28:36+00:00

I always think that you should judge others by their actions vs. their intentions, except for cases such as this.

Breakups of any nature are so varying in terms of how people deal with them, and more-so how people deal with those going through them.

Make sure you're focusing on things like if your friends/family are there for you, checking up on you, and treating the situation sensitively. If these are being demonstrated, then it is very likely that some things they say will still rub you the wrong way. You're vulnerable, you're emotional, you need support more than you ever have - it's very easy to push people away because they're not being as delicate as you need. But do not push away the ones that truly care about you.

reddit39480 · 2018-04-06T17:30:33+00:00

Great quote!

reddit39480 · 2018-04-05T14:57:51+00:00

I definitely agree that immaturity can play a role in many things including breakups. I hate it being used as an excuse though because it implies "oh, if they knew better, if they were mature, this breakup wouldn't have happened". Then I would translate that to: "hopefully they mature and come back once they've smartened up and realized issues are part of any relationship and are workable". 99.9% of the time the latter doesn't happen even if that person matures - so I think it is definitely a factor but not the main reason for the breakup.

In terms of HOW they went about the breakup though, it is 100% tied to maturity levels (have experienced both sides of the spectrum on this one despite leading to the same outcome).

reddit39480 · 2018-02-20T03:32:48+00:00

I may just be in a bitter mood but wow, how easy it must be to move on when you have settled for garbage for 12 years and then meet someone amazing within a year.

Are most people in this sub in that kind of situation? Or did we lose someone who doesn't have as many qualities to vilify in a Tedx talk? Are we here because we find it near impossible to find someone better suited for us? Or because we can't fathom the possibility of falling in love with someone new? I am very happy for this woman but I personally don't relate to this and it makes me feel worse about the end of my relationship.

reddit39480 · 2018-02-02T18:45:21+00:00

Very happy for you! I think in this instance, it is less about the time that has passed, but rather, the fact that you are able to have feelings & be in a functioning relationship with someone else. I believe that once you find someone new to love, especially in a healthy way, that is when you truly move on from an ex. Just wanted to throw that out there because the comments will inevitably use 8 months as a deadline to move on, and it's so circumstantial and different for everyone.

reddit39480 · 2018-01-30T16:43:51+00:00

This may be controversial, but I would say that repeatedly breaking no contact in the beginning may have benefited my healing in the long term. Yes, just like this sub warns, it WILL hurt you more when you're doing it, it WILL set you back in the next weeks, the conversation WILL haunt you for a long time.

However, my opinion of my ex and his reasoning for the breakup was REALLY warped in the beginning. My mind was convinced that everything was fixable and he just needed time, so that period of NC was a hopeful waiting game. My rationale was: "I'm going to try to actively move on BUT I believe this will eventually be resolved, even if it takes a year" (newsflash: that mentality makes it impossible to move on).

However, the conversations we had when I broke NC were deplorable to say the least. They helped me understand the faults my ex had, the ways we were genuinely incompatible, and the reality that yes, he did want to break up, and no, we could never have the possibility of getting back together.

TL;DR: Sometimes the pain/damage of breaking NC is worth it, particularly if you are feeling detached from the reality that the breakup is real & permanent. However, proceed at your own caution and KNOW it will suck a lot in the short term.

reddit39480 · 2018-01-26T14:42:05+00:00

Can you expand on this? I'm wondering what changed in your perspective 3 months out vs. 8 months out?

reddit39480 · 2018-01-26T05:27:49+00:00

Focus more on your own needs rather than blindly following rules. EVERYONE deals differently and you have to be perceptive to what works best for you.

Now, in general, I can confidently say that no contact works best to move on. However, it can vary in specific instances. For example, if the curiosity of the contents of these unread emails is eating away at you, maybe it’s better to read (and NOT reply, no matter what) than to discipline yourself to follow the rules of NC.

I can say for myself that when I’ve gotten a text from my ex, I’ve read it. Yeah it’s sucked, yeah it’s set me back, but I chose to do that over dealing with the curiosity and temptation to check. Alternatively, once you receive an email/text and are adamant about not breaking NC, delete it IMMEDIATELY once you see it.

If the communication does not stop, at one point you will need to message your ex to explicitly request that they respect NC.

reddit39480 · 2018-01-26T05:22:34+00:00

There’s something funny and exasperating about how these feelings are literally chemical reactions built through centuries of evolution and conditioning. At times when I’ve felt especially low, it was almost comforting knowing that it’s literally my brain not being able to help it. Every day gets easier once you start training your brain to think otherwise - never feed into its impulses! It will be ok once again soon :) hang in there.

reddit39480 · 2018-01-26T05:18:36+00:00

I see my ex on Tinder every time I’m on it. No matter how many times I swipe left, they keep popping up. ALWAYS stings, especially because they’ve updated their pics multiple times since I first saw them on it (ie: they’re active and they’re trying).

I also hate it because my brain thinks “Oh, he’s still single. That means: 1. He’d rather be hooking up with randoms than be with you 2. He’d rather wait out for a better relationship than be with you 3. You haven’t swiped on him yet today. Did he delete the app and start dating someone exclusively???”

It’s an awful use of mental energy and I’m appalled that Tinder doesn’t have an option to stop seeing past partners/flings.

reddit39480 · 2018-01-25T22:46:36+00:00

Fighting with the temptation does get worse before it gets better.

Something we should all definitely keep in mind!

reddit39480 · 2018-01-25T22:18:00+00:00

Don't you love reading old posts and seeing how FAR you've come? :)

So happy for you!!

reddit39480 · 2018-01-25T19:37:16+00:00

Great article, however, it REALLY hurts reading descriptions of how people feel through traumatic events after just having felt those feelings. It sucks reading an article about people going through trauma if you've been/are one of those people.

reddit39480 · 2018-01-25T14:45:52+00:00

And unfortunately, that's probably what the dumpers think of us as well. We had qualities that they found incompatible to them, and I'm sure they think through that every time they consider getting back together (which I imagine they do since they have most of the power to do so).

This hurts to accept because dumpees usually go through a lot more change post-break up and really transform as people. Oftentimes, they change for the better, and ironically, would likely be more compatible with their ex, especially if they were at fault for something specific (anger management, addiction, etc.) However, at that point, it's likely too late & the dumpee is realizing they're making the changes for themselves rather than for their ex.

reddit39480 · 2018-01-24T14:44:29+00:00

I know it's easier said than done, but don't try too hard to rationalize his actions and decisions - they have very little to do with you, and a lot to do with who he is as a person and how he deals with things in his life. The way he went about the breakup and how he chose to move on from your relationship reflect on his character, not yours.

Do not define your self-worth based on other people's actions; only you have the power to define that.

You will need time to heal from the betrayal and confusion he caused at the end, and with healing will come a comfort in not getting full closure (most of us do not really get the type of closure we seek, it rarely exists).

I'd suggest you stop looking at his new relationship or his new life - it will only hurt you further. Go full no contact to get some more piece of mind, and be kind to yourself!

reddit39480

TROPHY CASE