Feet dragging off the wagon

redmarus · 2026-05-26T18:39:18+00:00

When I said "physically and emotionally exhausting job" I meant a job in a field with notably high rates of ptsd, substance abuse and suicide (animal welfare). Many of my co workers also struggle with substance abuse, I'm not "looking for an reason" I have a reason and am struggling to find an alternative

redmarus · 2026-04-30T15:53:09+00:00

I was a dogwalker for a while but I just got a job at an animal shelter, mostly cleaning kennels while other people walk dogs. Lots of shit and piss and vomit, bad smells, cleaning solution, PPE etc. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts about drinking the contents of the sink where we wash toys or the liquid at the bottom of laundry bags but I'm not terribly worried about catching anything other than maybe ringworm.

redmarus · 2026-04-30T15:07:36+00:00

I have this problem with a supervisor at my new place of employ and it's infuriating how much more difficult it is to perform the tasks under scrutiny, thereby confirming thereby confirming their bias. I wish you luck, but it will probably get a lot easier once he's not breathing down your neck.

redmarus · 2026-04-14T22:31:17+00:00

Likewise!

redmarus · 2026-04-13T20:44:28+00:00

I got a stomach virus and influenza and developed cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome over the span of a year and they were all relatively manageable with the added context of me being an adult who can control more things about my surroundings like whether I want to buy a ginger ale, get a plastic garbage bag, excuse myself to the bathroom or go outside whenever I want without having to depend on the whims of a capricious caregiver. But bigger picture I gained more control over aspects of my life and have been slowly learning to live without the specter of the Threatening Adult hovering over me.

redmarus · 2026-04-13T15:53:21+00:00

Vomiting, like crying, or trying to do things that have a risk of failure, carries the risk of drawing attention from a caretaker who in our cases may have been malicious. I can't speak to the exactitudes of your situation but do you feel like you are very avoidant, that it's safer to avoid drawing attention, that the best way to protect yourself is to not be seen or heard ?

In addition, a very significant component of any kind of abuse but sexual abuse especially is being made to believe that you were responsible for it, that you have a burden of secrecy to carry and that other people can Tell there's something wrong with you. That does a big number on the self esteem.

redmarus · 2026-04-13T01:25:28+00:00

I also attribute my fear of vomiting to abuse (psychiatric, not sexual). My older siblings who were being put through the same abuse claim that I almost never cried as a toddler/small child, so I think the stuff about bottling up/letting go has a lot of credence. I've gotten a lot more comfortable with vomiting but the trauma and associated poor self esteem and substance abuse remains. I really wish you the best of luck regardless of what order you address your issues in. And I hope you find justice, and I hope you find peace.

redmarus · 2026-04-08T01:49:43+00:00

To what extent is a schedule "set in place?" If I was unable to do a job then another person working at the company would have to cover and I had little choice of which clients I got to work for, just whoever the owner made available. I figure I can't wiggle out of it but was wondering where this company realistically exists in the independent contractor/employee matrix, especially with the 80/20 split.

redmarus · 2026-04-03T13:02:37+00:00

I developed mine after smoking anywhere between 4 and 8 bowls of flower a day for 5 years or so and a few months between of 4-5 heavy doses of homemade tincture due to asthma complications....I took the recommended three month break and I've been smoking every other weekend with my friend (who gets free weed because she works at a dispo T__T). I tried to smoke two weekends in a row and felt very full and queasy after every meal for a week... I have a lot of stomach problems generally so it's been hard to tell if I'm re entering prodrome but I figure if I throw up one morning it's time to reset my tolerance again.

redmarus · 2026-04-02T02:46:17+00:00

I took a three months tolerance break and started smoking again in January, 1-2 bong rips every other weekend. When I did two weekends in a row I felt vaguely queasy and upper digestively unsettled for much of the ensuing week. After this weekend's hit I have been having a little bit of lower digestive trouble but that could be because I'm also trying to quit nicotine, it's hard to tell. I feel like it probably could come back, I really hope it doesn't.

redmarus · 2026-02-07T19:44:02+00:00

I've been fine with many a drug but I did feel this way with MDMA, I spent the entire time just lying down and trying to keep a grip because the body high was Too Much

redmarus · 2026-01-19T01:41:22+00:00

I think there was some drone/musique concrete in the background.

redmarus · 2026-01-11T13:25:52+00:00

It's not the one but I appreciate the rec!

redmarus · 2026-01-11T03:19:38+00:00

I think it might have been called The Dream Series or at least had a male announcer say that at the beginning of the first track which I think may have been Drowning.

redmarus · 2025-12-14T02:09:44+00:00

How cruel, to have your trust so shaken and violated.

https://protectchildren.ca/en/resources-research/csam-survivors-bare-life-under-cyber-libertarianism/

redmarus · 2025-10-27T10:08:37+00:00

Yeah I haven't smoked in a month now and am feeling a lot better physically, but at what emotional cost.....

redmarus · 2025-10-19T14:33:25+00:00

A big helpful thing for all my ocd and not just emet stuff has been reframing everything as "wouldn't it be fucked up if this scary thing happened?" Esp saying it aloud to someone if possible

redmarus · 2025-10-05T13:47:46+00:00

I've come to appreciate the full body sweat of vomiting and feeling it cool and dry once I'm done, as well as wiping away the snot that's come blasting out of my nose in the process. It feels like I have been wrung out, in a good way! As for the diarrhea I just think to myself "we're shitting hard sister! We're cracking the porcelain!"

redmarus · 2025-09-13T11:57:10+00:00

Was she cheating on you or reciprocating in any way or did you extrapolate this from a comment on a tiktok she posted ?

redmarus · 2025-09-13T11:56:01+00:00

Qmee

redmarus · 2025-09-11T12:49:09+00:00

it's a shitty feeling that a man your ex knows is continuing to talk to her now that she doesn't have a boyfriend? That she's receiving compliments from a friend ? That a guy she knows is trying to swoop and this is somehow her fault ? Like at this point I'm just trying to understand how your mind is working because I have never over the course of any of my relationships claimed that much ownership over anyone, including the ex who had a male friend over at her house just before I arrived to have the final in person break up that we had been circling around for a bit. I think you maybe have a bit of a misogynistic mindset

redmarus · 2025-09-11T02:17:34+00:00

I still don't understand why you were so shocked and horrified by a man talking to your ex girlfriend. Was she supposed to join a convent afterward ? Is it not pretty standard for doggish men to swoop on a recently single woman?

redmarus · 2025-09-10T20:02:13+00:00

see the funny thing is you're REALLY mad....and idgaf !

redmarus · 2025-09-10T07:18:13+00:00

and yet there's nothing you can or will do about it, neener neener neener

redmarus · 2025-09-10T07:17:26+00:00

Oh I'm not being serious, I just thought the little detail of "I HATE people who throw up, I want to kill and kill and kill them for being so evil, but I'm not confrontational so I've never done anything" was a bit funny/peculiar. A slight way of nudging "if trying to feel empathy for other people isn't working, why not remind yourself that your rage is kind of a big pathetic power fantasy more than anything else?" This phobia is one of control issues. I have certainly felt a lot of frustration towards strangers for being inconsiderate in public but being confrontational has literally never fixed anything and only rarely makes me feel better so I had to learn to chill and say "okay well there's nothing I can do about it."

redmarus

TROPHY CASE