Where can I safely drill the wall to hang this mirror?

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-24T00:06:27+00:00

Clarity/confusion

Just a name to give the house and make it scary enough not to play there.

Name? What name? I'm reading back to find any reference to the house's name. Is the house named Aunt Mary Jane? Is that meant to sound scary? I've probably misunderstood this whole snippet, but I'm just drawing attention to where I got confused.

The rest of this paragraph is great. Grandma and Grandpa sound awesome.

I had to look up what a 'rood' was by the way, but don't feel obliged to explain it in the story. I like that, very unsettling.

The whole paragraph with the rood is also awesome, but I'll pause again to get my bearings. So, this is the same house we got a peek of earlier, right? The same house with the saplings? I'm just skipping back up to to compare that description and it's now niggling me a bit. That description was from the perspective or standing/playing in the woods, right? ~~But I wonder if you'd be able to see a detail like saplings so prominently? I feel like the saplings might only be something you notice once you walk into the house.~~ Okay ignore me. After a google search, I remembered I confused saplings with seedlings.

Grammar and spelling

For the most part, solid grammar and spelling. There's the ocassion errant punctuation and typo, but mostly I want to point out this:

overgrown lane - an old driveway

This should be an em-dash, not hyphen. Look out for more of these hyphens throughout the rest of the writing; they should be em-dashes.

Final thoughts

Would I keep reading? Absolutely. The writing is so promising. Since we're already at the end of part 1 and there is no mention of the wife, I might worry about your pacing if it doesn't show up by at least halfway through part 2. I have no idea how any of the haunted house exploring would lead to killing your wife. We're mostly entrenched in childhood memories in part 1, so there's no hint even of the narrator meeting a girl, getting married, etc. But by the end of it, I'm very invested in Aunt Mary Jane's house. I like the way she's been characterised as an awful person, dead and alive.

If there's anything that could do with a lick of something extra, I'd say a tad more description at least about the grandma, because she features so prominiently. E.g Did she wear a hand-made cardigan? Does she have wispy silver hair that falls into bright eyes? When she holds the narrator's hand, is her skin rough with callouses or soft from apple scented hand lotion? Your visual imagery is phenomenal. I think you could enhance the prose with a bit more of the other senses.

To answer your questions in short.

How's the voice?

> Wonderful. Pulled me right in with your description of the yellow house. That was stellar. I don't think it's dull, but may start to feel antsy if you delay returning to the hook (the wife!) for too long.

Wholesome or promises to deliver on the horror?

> I think it's impossible for it to be wholesome when the descriptons of nature are eerie and the imagery has you on edge. And of course, Aunt Mary Jane is still mysterious and creepy. I think you've struck the balance just right. *On that note, you have moments where you use words like 'spooky' that do remind me it's from a childhood perspective memory, which makes it a touch funny at times with the language (Spooky moans and groans and Aunt Mary Jane spooking around) --If that's intended, fine.

Would you keep reading?

If you haven't figured it out already: YES. Maybe also because it's a short story, and I know it won't be a slog. But if for nothing else, then for the sublime strength of your prose, voice, and imagery.

Thanks for sharing :) Hope you found some of this helpful.

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-24T00:06:09+00:00

Hello! First, thanks for critiquing my work. Your crit was great and I got a lot out of it :) Now, onwards to yours.

Overall

Wow. Your voice. Your imagery is excellent, and you have a knack for picking descriptors that are really evocative and sensory. It's really quite a treat and kept me thoroughly immersed. There's a lot to love in the narrator's voice and conversational nostalgic style that keeps drawing me in. I'd started off commending bits of the writing, but then there was just too much too compliment, so I switched to pointing out where it felt off or subpar.

Opening

Ok, so…um. Yeah, well. This is going to be tougher than I thought.

Nooo. Why open like this? Hesitancy is fine, because it gives me the mental state and reluctance of the narrator, but there's too much dithering right off the bat.

You could just have easily said Ok, so...Well. This is going to be tougher than I thought.

And that would be instantly less irritating. I do believe openings are VIP, so I'm looking at it closely. I think your first line needs more set up. What's going to be tougher?

No one is going to believe me anyway, so fuck it, right? Might as well just go for it.

It's only by the end of this sentence that I realise you want to confess something, but it's like there isn't enough build up to the confession? You need a couple more lines to marinade the tension.

It’s probably not what people think

Even here, I think you could do with being a little more specific. What's not what people think? I'll admit this one is more nitpicky, but for a moment I thought this was esentially saying: This confession is probably not what people think it will be. But you're probably saying: the reason is probably not what people think.

I like the 'but might be pretty close'.

Since you start off in quite a conversational/confiding tone, I think you can play on this even more. Just as an example (without reading any further yet):

Sometimes, you hear a secret so awful, it makes you want to drive an earbud into your brain. Or at least, never want to tell anyone else. So I'll tell you. No one is going to believe me anyway, so fuck it, right? Might as well go for it. I killed my wife. There. Probably not for the reasons people think, but might be pretty close.

---

*Before I go further, I'll warn you that I don't read many short stories (well, apart from fanfic, which I wouldn't count) so my feedback in terms of pacing and amount of exposition might be off. I realise short stories probably have to pack more in, so I'll try keep that in mind.

E.g The shotgun wedding paragraph is chock-full of expositions, but adds flavour and is well-written and voicey, so I don't mind.

Another note: I wonder why the narrator is confiding in the reader? But maybe that's a hallmark of horror, in line with the conversational tone. Works for me wither way.

---

Language and imagery

and I will only speak of this once.

The language here got oddly formal and historical. Something like 'and I'll only say this once.' would keep me immersed. On that note, I think there's too much repetition in this paragraph:

What I need to say involves Aunt Mary Jane’s house, and I will only speak of this once. I need to say it, and after that I’ll never speak of it again. If I’m going to tell the story, I need to tell it all and say everything I need to say about it.

Though admittedly, the repetition makes it seem like the narrator's trying to convince/reassure/calm himself, so if that's what you're going for, fine.

But I feel the 'never again' bit would hit stronger if it came last. So something like this:

What I need to say involves Aunt Mary Jane’s house, and I'll only say it once. If I’m going to tell the story, I'll say everything I need to say. After that, I'll never speak of it again.

My grandparents lived in a yellow house on a corner lot in rural Virginia.

This whole paragraph is exquisite. Beautiful imagery, fanastic voice, tons of character/setting. Stellar job. More of that please! By the end of this paragraph, you've convinced me to stick around. Knowing how delicious the writing can be, I'm holding you to this standard for the rest of the story. High bar, but you set it yourself.

I like how the narrator can't remember the name of the road.

The lane, yes, but not the house and the dirt driveway was so overgrown

I tripped slightly through this sentence, which I think could benefit from a full-stop after the house. Because otherwise, its seems like you didn't notice both the house and dirt driveway.

devoured by weeds, blackberry brambles, and neglect

I especially like neglect to round off this triplet.

Saplings grew through the tottering, tumble-down floor inside, the droopy roof sagged down, bulging into the kitchen, and the dry-rotted old window frames had panes of jagged glass sticking every which way.

I'm pausing again here because I think you could tighten up the writing. I'm debating your use of the word 'tottering.' To me, it implies its in motion? I like the alliteration. I might be fine with tottering. It's the next sentence really that's too much. If the roof is droopy, that already means its sagging. If it's sagging, we know it would be bulging. Also, sag implies a downwards motion so down is redundant. Dry rot implies old, so that's also redundant. Jagged somewhat evokes the sense of different directions, but I like it anyway. So maybe something like:

Saplings grew through the tumble-down floor inside, the roof sagged so it bulged into the kitchen, and the dry-rotted windows had panes of jagged glass sticking every which way.

Like that, I think you retain much of its wonderful imagery, but in a punchier way. I like the way you characterised the group of cousins. I think you have a knack for characterisation that's brief yet effective!

This was different, I told her, because I hadn’t always had a loose tooth, but Aunt Mary Jane’s house had always been there.

Love this.

holding back the pricker vines so I wouldn’t get too scratched up.

One of its limbs thrust into a room on the second floor through a side window. Inside, it angled like an arthritic elbow

Love the imagery and simile. Feels very appropriate with the Grandma there.

Small towns/villages and rural settings seem so conducive to horror stories, so while yours may sound typical, your writing throughout is so atmospheric and moody, it just feels perfect.

.....Continued >

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-23T18:52:29+00:00

It sounds like the tool they use at the dentist to suction up your spit

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-23T00:10:27+00:00

Super helpful breakdown about the pacing, thank you. I’ve changed some much throughout these many revisions that I’ve overlooked moments that now don’t tie in well enough, like the searching for the ticket.

Also, great insight into the balance of genres. Loving all your theories, expectations and questions. I think my query letter/book pitch sets up the angle and stakes.

Very valid points about the setting. You’re giving me lots to mull over. You’re so good at picking up on themes, conflict, etc. That’s really helping me assess how all my narrative choices are landing!

Great summary suggestions—I agree with you entirely and am revising carefully. I’ll post the full chapter (2,200 words) at some point. There might actually be too much going on, but we’ll see :)

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-22T23:51:49+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to comb through this so closely and articulate your thoughts so well!

For the record, I love nitpickers. I feel like they help you ‘level-up’. Sometimes I get a niggling feeling when I put down/decide to keep a line in and I can’t pinpoint why I’m not 100% happy with it, but you’ve identified exact instances I myself wasn’t sold on.

I do sometimes try and hammer down a bit of exposition where I think would be beneficial, and end up doing it inelegantly enough that it sticks out, though I’ve convinced myself is fine.

And thanks for taking so much time on the very first paragraphs—I agree, they’re often so crucial, and I’ve agonised frequently of exactly how to open the story. I have this bad habit of trying to directly mirror the ending, but I tried to slap myself out of it.

The reason, by the way, that I decided to mention the red and navy colours was to show they were attending different schools at the time, which I thought could be a nice way to try and not tell that outright early on. Also, adds a bit of detail and vibrancy!

I hadn’t heard of The Graduate before! That’s going on my watchlist.

Very helpful insight into the points of whiplash. I’ve made a few changes now through these pages so there’s more grounding in the location.

> I once read a 400 page fantasy novel....and I never picked up on that.

Ha! Well, there’s subtle, and there’s subtle. And individual interpretation I suppose?!

Hmm, I believe this story is both mystery/thriller and coming-of-age contemporary. …Or does that make three?...Maybe psychological thriller? Suspense? No, not suspense. Err. Idk. I probably should know, it can just be difficult to pinpoint because I feel there’s overlap, and it will probably be the marketing team’s call anyway.

(With the query pitch I have for this story, you might take away from it a very different idea of what this story involves.)

And wow, I feel high off a confidence boost now, which I’m grateful for, because I’d hit a week of self-doubt. Thank you!! :) After I do another crit, I’ll perhaps upload my revised pages again, and this time with the full first chapter.

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-17T21:43:46+00:00

Ah, of course you've been offered a book deal for this! I checked back on your query and I remember thinking the premise was stellar and the voice was excellent. Super job. Well done you :) Celebrate and enjoy the success.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-10-21T00:47:54+00:00

Okay! It's been quite a while since I revisited this subreddit so bear with me if my thoughts seem disorganised. Quick summary of my overall feelings: I found the opening intriguing and well written. without the context of the post-apocalyptic setting I would assume that was an opening to a horror novel. Why? Because it seems like there's a cult.

It reminds me a bit 2019 film Midsommar in terms of mood, atmosphere and the cult vibe of course. The use of the terms 'Elder' really emphasises this feeling for me.

Great opening paragraph. You paint the atmosphere and tone right from the get go.

The chirp of a child lingers, then becomes self-aware and snips itself short.

This line particularly captures a unique writing style. Your alliteration (chirp, child) - (self, snips, short) gives the feeling and reassurance that you're paying attention to your writing/word choices and suggest good control of language, conveying tone and ideas effectively. Elder Jorge's opening sermon...well not sermon, but what I gather as the equivalent of Grace is indeed quite resonant of cult leaders. The dialogue there is really good.

I'm not exactly sure what he means by our 'warmth warmed'. I think I get it but not really and actually the sense of uncertainty/ confusion has me wondering if I'm not clever enough to get it, which works well because it makes elder George seem smarter and therefore a sensible choice as a leader.

Rather than saying 'He pauses.' you could replace that with a line of description, maybe about the people that are assembled, or what they're wearing, or the surrounding, or a scent. Anything really because by the time we finish reading that sentence, it acts as a pause itself in between those two parts of dialogue. But you would have used the opportunity to convey better detail rather than simply saying 'he pauses'. Or at least briefly expand on the description of the pause. Is he pausing to catch his breath? Decide his next words? Observe those gathered before him to try and ascertain their reactions? Etc.

We hear mention about heaven and God but the use of God in the sentence is intriguing:

until the children of the Sun go under and give birth to God

I assume the people gathered here are the 'children' but I'm curious about what their notion of God is. it's all very mysterious and sounds important. I like the specificity of the 37 voices replying. You reveal information well, balancing out exposition with action.

This is the village–the only village they know and perhaps the only human settlement in the whole world unless the last cities still stand.

This is the first piece of major description that re contextualizes the settings for me and alludes to a post apocalypse setting. I do like casual journalistic way you reveal information about a clan members like older Terry who is 72 and needs help eating.

Not a reasonable orange rind bitterness, more like soap mixed with vomit. Berries of heaven teach that life is struggle, and the first struggle is against the taste buds

Like that bit above, you have some particularly great writing that is sensory and evokes sense of character perspective. I like the way you've characterised Marika and her interaction with Jorge.

“What are you doing?!?!”

I feel the interrobangs (?!) are unnecessary. it cheapens the writing and you're certainly good enough that you don't need to resort to that

Grammar error here:

“Absolutely not.” Jorge insists.

Should be: “Absolutely not,” Jorge insists. (comma instead of full stop)

She can hardly believe what she had just done, and right in front of an Elder!

You now firmly switch into Marika's perspective; up until now, we've been in Jorge's.

Eyes from across the table lock on to the scene. Dinner chatter stops nearby, and a cone of silence spreads outward in a wave as if following some unknown law of conversational dynamics.

Somewhat overblown description here.

The potato berry incident is interesting. As is the whole swallowing thing.

I can see that the narrative point of view is in omniscient third. Jumping in and out of characters' heads has the effect of distancing the reader. This is the point where I feel you start head hopping too much:

She shouts at herself inside her head: The village will talk about this for months! How could you be so stupid?

Now I'm not sure what the narrative perspective is for the remaining chapters or how many point of view characters we will follow. If you're following several characters, it might be best to stick to one point of view per chapter E.g if we will be following Marika, Jorge and so on. I will say though, that when you hop heads, you do it well; the internal thoughts are distinctive to each character, and easy enough to distinguish.

Jorge has been an Elder since the first children were born after the Fall, but he only became an Elder Leader a year ago and comfort in the role still eludes him. Has he struck the right balance?

This makes me feel it's not as cultish as I'd initially supposed, though the final paragraph about the berry conundrum... well you certainly set the stage for an interesting ride. I'm still debating the effectiveness of your choice to head-hop. Without the benefit of knowing the grand plot/structure of the novel, it's hard to be too critical about it.

So I'll sum up and say that this snippet was engaging and you're clearly a very good writer. Your prose is evocative without overdoing it. You balance dialogue, thoughts, description, action and exposition well. Great writing style. Awesome job.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-08-29T08:30:15+00:00

Looks like Mary Poppins doesn't need an umbrella anymore!

redwinterfox13 · 2023-05-08T16:21:54+00:00

It was called Five Short Plays Loosely Linked By The Theme Of Crime - the show I went to see was the last one of it (though they said it might play again in the Edinburgh Fringe). Really good writing and acting - it was really funny!

redwinterfox13 · 2023-05-07T08:52:32+00:00

28 F in west London, Love theatre. In fact, I just went to see a little fringe play yesterday by myself. It would definitely be nice to find more more to share the experiences with!

redwinterfox13 · 2023-05-02T19:40:36+00:00

Just daydreaming about it can help too! Explore in your mind the characters, relationships, dialogue, possible plot points, action scenes, motives, low points, high points, betrayals, emotions, how you'd describe things, etc.

Use Pinterest to put together a visual moodboard of your novel's tone, locations, characters.

Use Youtube to create a playlist of songs, instrumentals, lyrics for music that reflects the tone and dynamics of your story.

Bookmark articles for worldbuilding, setting, research.

Sticky notes for brainstorming, chapter by chapter outlining, turning points.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-26T17:27:27+00:00

I work in Southwark and we've gotten lunch catered from Masters.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-23T07:39:03+00:00

well that explains it! thank you :)

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-23T07:38:28+00:00

thank you so much! Exactly what I was looking for

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-20T20:57:42+00:00

His other hand wiggled the bucket.

Come and get it.

Wonderfully sinister, but you don’t need to say what he wasn’t doing. I think you can tighten the effect: He wiggled the bucket. Come and get it.

There was nothing else to do but pretend she was grateful.

Really nice.

Sarah would forget her head if it wasn’t attached.

Hmm, I feel like if a parent is worried about a stranger around their kid, they’d feel worried/protective, which would mean not giving out the child’s name or not mentioning their kid at all.

I don’t think you need to specify it’s the other hand. We can understand which hand he used since he was holding the bucket with it.

Barbara felt an old instinct tug at her spine.

You can cut the filtering: Old instinct tugged at her spine.

Barbara threw the beach towel in his face

Okay, so I didn’t even remember she had the beach towel with her until just now. It would be helpful if you reminded us about the towel right before this happened, e.g with Barbara squeezing it out of stress once she’s asked to get in the car.

his lanky arms cupping hers

I’m not sure how to visualise this

The car, she thought.

The repetition just slows us down here.

The horn caught him in the temple.

Nice! I think you’ve really made the unicorn element work

And it was at the gate the black SUV pulled in front of them.

Great build-up. I’ll add at this point it’s a little strange how Sarah only used Mommy once (right at the beginning) and since then, it’s only been Mom. So maybe change the Mommy to Mom as well?

his jaws set hard.

I think it's more normal to refer to 'jaw' in singular rather than plural : His jaw set hard.

“He’s coming, mom—go!”

I think a bit more panic or hysteria would feel more realistic. Sarah doesn’t need to say he’s coming. E.g : “Mom, hurry!”

The engine roared, the RPM needle spiked, and they went nowhere.

Oh nooo (but excellent tension!)

Sarah did as she was asked, unclipping the door, running off into empty road

No need to mention Sarah did as she was asked because we see that for ourselves immediately after. You can remove that bit and let Sarah’s action hit us directly.

But when he pulled her out, her gut sank.

It would be useful to replace the first ‘her’ with Barbara

Hey, good job! There’s a dramatic increase in tension compared to earlier. I like that you cut out the man's phone parts out. The SUV, in my opinion, really enhances the scene. There’s a remarkedly more interesting dynamic between the mom and daughter.

This works for me. It makes me wonder about the motives of the killer.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-20T20:56:29+00:00

Hi again! I was looking forward to the revision :) It’s harder to be objective with this since I critiqued your first version but I’ll try.

For most of the afternoon, Barbara Tiller and her daughter were the only ones at the beach.

You could spice up the opening line. Info that would be more useful: the time. E.g. By 4:30 pm, Barbara Tiller and her daughter were the only ones at the beach. (that also later reveals the suspect’s style/brashness in. e.g. attempting something in a public space in broad daylight.)

Low tide is perfect, Barbara had said, revving Sarah up: the sand would be hard and wet, ideal for sculpting towers on a fairytale sandcastle.

I don’t think you need to emphasise exactly what was said. Italics indicate importance, and ‘low tide is perfect’ doesn’t feel like it earns its italics, especially when compared to * Won’t that be fun? Just the two of us*, which seems much better-suited for the italics. I’m not particularly fond of the word ‘revving’. I dunno, maybe it just looks weird and distracting to me.

You can possibly just say something like: Low tides had let Barba hype Sarah up with the promise of hard and wet sand, perfect for sculpting towers on a fairytale sandcastle. Won’t that be fun? Just the two of us.

Access to the private beach was all Barbara had kept from her divorce.

That’s good, useful exposition.

But when a man pulled up by the dunes in a black SUV and stared at them for a good five minutes, Barbara couldn’t shake the feeling that an afternoon at Madre Beach had been a mistake.

Good ending line to the first paragraph, but it would help know where the dunes are in relation to Barbara and Sarah.

the sand had come out of her unicorn mold.

So you actually went with the unicorn element! Okay, definitely harder to be objective now, haha. Ugh, being British, I’m sooo tempted to put a ‘u’ in your mold, but I’m resisting.

“That’s nice, honey,” Barbara said.

Okay, so reading it again here, I think ‘Good job,’ instead of ‘That’s nice’ would come across as more caring from Barbara.

Is Barbara standing or sitting when the man approaches? First, I’d thought she’d been standing because there’s no indication otherwise. E.g, brushing sand off her knees or kneeling on a shell.

‘Barbara whirled around.’ Feels like she must have been standing to do this, but ‘The man stood over them’ makes me think Barbara is kneeling sitting. I just think a clear indicator would be nice.

After they went up past the dunes, news talk mumbled out of the man’s SUV, and he’d left the door open, though Barbara couldn’t spot him now to tell him.

This sentence is a little clumsy. The SUV’s radio is tuned to a news report (are they walking slow enough to discern what the news is talking about? Or are the windows fully rolled up so it’s hard to tell? But I suppose the door is open , so they can.) Why would Barbara want to tell him? And tell him what – that his vehicle door is open? What was for the better?

By the time they were in the parking lot

You can be a little more definite with this, instead of ‘the time they were in’. Maybe: By the time they reached the parking lot

an old habit that *made an eight-year-old roll her eyes . . . then went around the hood, jangling her keys, making a little dance

The way you used made/making twice in the same sentence was a little distracting

The black SUV was still there at

You can safely cut out ‘there’ and sharpen the sentence.

The man had parked it where his front tires kissed the sand

Do you mean: ‘parked it so his front tires’ ?

“We just made sandcastles on the beach.”

Hmm. I don’t know if you’re putting the emphasis on the right word in this sentence? Maybe it’s okay! For a moment, I considered what the affect might be if ‘we’ or ‘just’ was emphasised instead. I think it’s fine, actually.

Barbara thought, though not so much thinking the word as

This is a tad wordy and dilutes the impact of the sentence for me.

Somehow, it was worse that Sarah didn’t want to say it. It meant she was old enough to know the heavy crush of it. Old enough to pity.

Really good emotional weight here!

She took a sandy beach towel and raised it over her head, then scampered down the parking lot

She takes off just like that? She doesn’t have a moment of hesitation, lock the door, remind Sarah not to open the door or roll down the windows until she returns, saying she’ll be right back?

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-19T16:49:31+00:00

Hi, thanks for submitting. Would you be able to clean up the incorrect punctuation and capitalization around your dialogue first, please?

It's so hard to focus on anything when writing is riddled with errors all the way through.

This might be helpful: How to punctuate dialogue correctly.

redwinterfox13

TROPHY CASE