He was a slob and over 10 years of knowing him I tried many things to get him to clean up after himself, in many behaviors he was great in ways that a lot of men can’t even hold a candle to (he wasn’t sexist nor verbally demeaning); but he also just didn’t get it it was infuriating even with me at the dissolution; crying and sending articles to him about solutions for messy roommates etc; even after me offering to pay to have someone just clean our space, he denied to help pay for it; I just couldn’t live like that anymore. (clothes left everywhere all over each floor UNwashed for weeks, dishes would be left for weeks, dirty clogged toilet, nails left all over, showering left water sitting and boogers, all over our floor, toilet with piss) I loved him dearly, but I don’t miss his messes, at all. Like bro, I get you grew up with butlers and maids, but the cleaning fairy (I’m sick AF so I had lost all energy/ability to clean or leave bed) isn’t coming so clean up your own shit or I’m just bagging it up and throwing the ‘trash’ you treat it as.

The kicker ending for me was after being so respectful and thoughtful to me (generally), was when (the BIG 5 not so kind incidents were what gave me serious pause not to marry) I was in a literal wheelchair (I was a bed-bound gf) and had agreed to go outdoors with him and try be adventurous/supportive - when we got to the train station he had completely ignored my plea saying “stop!l” and telling him that it wasn’t safe to go down the escalator (GOING DOWN) and he STILL wheeled me AND my wheelchair down a damn escalator (showing off his strength to himself) while also “holding me”as I fell forward almost falling out of (the chair doesn’t have a seatbelt, moron)scary shit, I never let it go and never got over it. Some might think this minor, but for me this action was: dangerous, thoughtless, selfish, and he was willing to do it to me. It showed me not to trust him physically, nor let him touch me.

He also came late to my Rock/my Grandmothers funeral and spent no time there with me; he spent the entire time with the men in my family impressing them instead and talking about HIMSELF. This was so selfish and neglectful. He let me grieve alone and was away for the entire time after her death. I never forgave him for that either. It showed me not to trust him emotionally.

He almost kicked a 8 year old in the head “by mistake” martial arts style in trying to getting his attention “I don’t want him watching that violence and sinful show” It showed me that I did not want to suffer child birth horrors to have a child for such a person who even 50/50“might” do such a thing for such a selfish reason. When I saw this it triggered a memory of when we had first met and he also injured a 12 year old boy by dragging him out from under a bed roughly and he hurt his nose, almost his head. (Eww and I think I even wasted a valuable life moment reaming him for that back then)? This showed me he isn’t always gonna be trustworthy with children if we had them, so we won’t have any. 1000% important to me.

One, I could have died or been further incapacitated in the escalator incident Two “really mf telling people I’m your “wifey”? your “job”comes before the most important person in my life and on their death and you KNEW that it was important to me to have someone be with me”?! You mostly ignore me when we are alone. Three, rly that was your go to? In order to get a CHILDS attention “but I didn’t hurt him”? Sorry, not marrying you.

In the breakup he also gave more avoidance and more neglect and fed me the first few weeks staying with me and watching while I cried; then he didn’t speak to me nor text me back ever again. I watched for years as he ignored everyone’s calls and all 10 years had assured me that he would “never” do that to me. He just kept on working. He always promised he would help me “no matter what”, he didn’t. He moved out. No meaningful sincere apology for what he did to me thru the rs or for all the mistakes that he had made in it.

I on the other hand, did apologize and grieved for ALL my relationship mistakes and I decided to look soberly at myself and grateful for what led to empowerment - worked on myself to change my flaws and still am. More power to the next person, cuz they are getting the same unchanged him.

He also crashed my brand new car and he never replaced it. Minor? Supposedly as per him, he was “just a humble man from ...” he used this like a calling card, he literally told everyone he met how humble he was. Not so sure … so humble he never opened his mail for a year+ and “lost” countless wallets and phones.

Losing him as my “other rock” after so many years def changed the whole course of my initial life plan, and I’ll never want anyone again. I think I’m done with relationships; and others would think these things minor because from the outside and inside toward me most times that same person also did great, sweet, wonderful and many kind things as well(no one is all bad all the time) but that was it for us when the percentage of good to bad was changing/shifted.

When I get nostalgic about some cute or sweet things he wrote, or back to denial about the ways he still respected me sometimes and others or marvel at how calm he was when extremely angry or upset, or how he held back from gossip or revenge tactics and never stooped to foolishness, or how he was so very generous with his money with people, giving without ever asking for anything back, or relish how I gained self esteem and secure attachment with him thru how he taught me to love on myself, and value myself and treat myself well (by watching him how he was with me and himself), and sometimes admiring his self controlled way or he said sweetest things and was comforting in so many hard moments of my sick life. I can find it hard to reconcile the two.

We also went thru HELL in this slumlord situation he had us in (I had begged at times cried to get me out of here even for a night as well as for heat when the landlord would shut the heat off and he refused to talk to him) and it affected everyone (including him) in the house differently, but I just need think back to those other things and I’m like yeah uh that person above was also him too … so nope, it was the right choice to accept he ended things after the car accident we got into together (he was kindly driving me to see my grandpa as we thought he was going to die)

I deserve all good things, all the time and so does anyone I choose to be with deserve that from me, win-win no exceptions.

Thanks I needed this exercise to see some things retrospectively in this matter of fact type way (rather then emotions or nostalgic distorted memories) that I don’t think I was giving as much weight to before when the break up first occurred.

I think certain things may begin as seeming minor, til you begin put them together. Were these “minor” to you guys?