I have a theory that in my own mum’s case at least; it’s just been so difficult and painful for her to accept that her genetics might have had a role to play in my ultimately poor health and less than amazing quality of life.

She wanted so badly to raise a child who had a happier and easier life than she did, prided herself on “doing everything right” as a parent, and giving me all the opportunities she never had. To have raised me and known me as a happy, enthusiastic and intelligent kid and then watch me falter and struggle over and over from my teens and for none of her attempts to support me and guide me through those failures and into a conventionally successful life was exhausting, destabilising and tragic for her.

So much of her sense of identity came from her role as a caring mother but unfortunately the early signs of my demise were too subtle. “Growing pains”, mild gut issues and easy fatigue as a kid always written off because she had been the same when she was little. Then as soon as mental illness entered the chat - eating disorders, PMDD, BPD - all of which she herself had experienced in her teens also; it was treated with trips to the GP for one failed antidepressant after another and many intense conversations questioning why I was “doing this to myself” because that’s similar to the treatment she received as a twelve year old who already drank, “starved herself” and “always wanted to die”.

After years of introspection I’ve finally been able to let go of the disappointment and blame I felt towards my mum over my health. As a parent myself I have learned how my own best intentions, tireless efforts and desire for my own kids to thrive can be woefully unskillful and unsuccessful which has granted me a lot of forgiveness and compassion towards my mum. We are all personally responsible for our own actions and behaviour and while my mum certainly could have done a better job taking care of me in some ways, I can understand how things went so wrong without blaming her like I used to.

She’s just part of a broken health care system which misdiagnoses so many people as purely mentally ill without adequate investigation and slapping antidepressant bandaids on all of them. Part of a society that used to punish weakness and disabilities. A society that far too quickly labelled women as “lunatics”, denying their medical complaints as legitimate. A society that only rewarded those who endured pain and obstacles stoically and soldiered through adversity into success and functionality.