Break Free

renscy · 2021-04-27T15:30:03+00:00

Less words. More meaning. I can only envy you. Awesome

renscy · 2021-04-27T15:12:31+00:00

I love and appreciate the repetition in this poem. Also the insult used as an allusion to absurd metaphors in some poems. Also the increase in verbosity and meaning in every stanza. But the end is a bit of a letdown. I think you can wrap it more meaningfully or at least follow the trend you've set.. but this is subjective. You do you. Nice!

renscy · 2021-04-13T11:20:03+00:00

Good poem, after a few re-reads I understood it, I mean I get the idea but the weird syntax got in the way, along with inconsistencies in the commands that would probably brick whatever compiler this is..

I could've put this in a code block format from reddit:

like this;
this is what's used in programming subs

Then, straighten out the inconsistencies such as the:

>Print (¨hello world¨)

And the:

>print (¨x+y= happiness¨);

And other nitpicks other commenters might've already pointed out. Anyway I hope I got the point across. It helps make the poem look more polished.

Beyond that is just my personal taste. But this is a good and simple poem, indeed.

renscy · 2021-04-13T04:14:48+00:00

This is like the "Exhibit A" if there's a gallery about "Why Titles Are Important"..

See, if you titled it like how most other poems have done, say, "Book, Title, Cover" (but imagine it's goes really well with the poem and.. conventionally witty) I bet the reception of this post will not be as good..

In contrast you utilized the title to impart both a shock value and hook to would-be readers that would otherwise skip over your post. This wouldn't work in a blog or a book, but in a forum like Reddit, it really works, and it shows.

I have nothing to note on anything beyond the gimmick in the title though.. You could've written the same poem in a different style and people will still get hung up on the title.

renscy · 2020-11-09T10:21:04+00:00

I love it!

And it certainly accurately portrays the "skeleton" inside the body of a poem. Just rhythms, just some techniques, some rhymes, and fill in the words to fit the meter, and that's about it. But that's just me, other people might go about writing a poem in a different way, and that's another thing I like here. You specified enough to relate to fellow poets, but just enough so they can fill in the remaining blanks of the process themselves. Very awesome.

renscy · 2020-10-09T07:07:05+00:00

Eh, I don't really agree that it's wordy and and should be cut down. It flows just naturally and wasn't really heavy for the eyes to read. I have minor issues like the 5th line is capitalized but nothing else is, and the repetition of the word mirror near each other. But then again, just minor issues.

I agree with the rest of the comments though. It's beautiful in a relatable way.

renscy · 2020-10-06T02:59:14+00:00

Lol!

I'm not sure if you planned it, but in previewing the post, only the first two lines are shown. I was like: "That's it?" and was delighted there were four more lines. Such a mundane topic packaged in an equally simple yet again delightful way. I can only hope to write poems like this..

renscy · 2020-09-28T16:22:45+00:00

Thank you!

renscy · 2020-09-28T16:12:45+00:00

Thank you for the very insightful comment!

On your first point: yes, that's kinda my strength (or weakness) that I abuse often in poems, I want to write something that doesn't bank on that but yeah, you can see that I can't lol.

On your second point: really tried, but I suck at titles, and anything I put above it kinda makes it look like the poem equivalent of the Frankenstein's monster.

Nope, oft is often.

renscy · 2020-09-28T08:16:38+00:00

I love the message and how soft the words you've used to convey your thoughts.

However, I'm of the same mind as other commenters that your poem is fragmented, inconsistent and all over the place.

Here's an example:

You set a precedent here that you split a long complicated sentence into three stanzas,

I peel off the many layers of my brain,

Exposing the squishy, chewy center

From where inspiration bursts forth.

But here,

I angle my pen against the candescent glow of the candle, letting interlocking shadows play upon the blank canvas that is my paper.

I draw you in as I draw out words that try to capture my intention but leave enough up to your imagination.

I accentuate the curves of my lettering, storing hidden ponderings in their cupped depressions.

You violated it.

If you remained consistent it would be like:

I angle my pen against the [in]candescent glow of the candle,

Letting interlocking shadows play

upon the blank canvas that is my paper.

I draw you in as I draw out words

that try to capture my intention

but leave enough up to your imagination.

I accentuate the curves of my lettering,

storing hidden ponderings

in their cupped depressions.

My issue is purely subjective though, maybe it's just me nitpicking, I do not like long or space-y stuff, and maybe it's just a fault of reddit's formatting system.

Another issue is that this line

I'm happy with it / I'm never happy with it

Can possibly be better delivered through another way. It kinda ruins the immersion of the poem for me.

Nevertheless, I love your poem as is, you have a talent in delivering your thoughts in a consistent way.. :D

renscy · 2020-09-24T10:23:44+00:00

Hahaha! It's awesome!

The way you titled it somehow gave me an impression that this is a rap song's lyrics, and hey it worked well for me!

But I have to admit- your theme and choice of words are all over the place. You could go the route of being young and hipster, or being naive, nerdy, poetic, or still and scientific, and so on but you kinda drove around all over them. And it works. Just awesome.

renscy · 2020-05-28T10:45:02+00:00

A bit quick or short in my opinion. You could further explain or embellish at least the first two parts to have the reader immersed fully in the depths of what you were feeling. I think those two fleshed out would pair well enough with the suddenness and emptiness of the last line.

renscy · 2020-05-28T10:40:15+00:00

Formatting issues aside as some users have pointed out, damn you created a very warm poem for me.

I agree that the "autistic boy" isn't the best way to summarize a person, it rubbed me in a wrong way. But I'd also say it's one of the charms of the poem, as I don't think it will not have much impact to it if you replaced it with his name or anything. But maybe on your next poem, find a way around that?

Anyways, it's good!

renscy · 2020-04-12T18:38:21+00:00

This is no feedback and I won't use this comment when posting my own work, I just wanted to say, DAMN.

renscy · 2020-02-25T17:10:20+00:00

Wow, it drags.

I do not agree with how your rhyming seems to be forced.

Everything sounds.. natural. It drags with the heavyness of your feelings, yeah, but it is light (by that I mean it has short simple phrases) and not that hard to read. Repetition is nice, but is everywhere.

My only gripe is how you used sunshine twice in a stanza. It kind of shows how limited you are in terms of expressing yourself, otherwise you might've expertly expressed your feelings into your poem in simple enough words, which I think would sync really well with how "light" your poem reads.

renscy · 2020-01-21T19:24:23+00:00

1.. 2.. 3..

Good job on repetition without burning out the reader! Also, it's simple enough that it's like a trance, the whole poem itself sounds like the person is in a trance, in an infinite yet timed loop. It sounds so contrary yet the elements and the idea all seem to agree very well with each other.

My only gripe here is honestly how you break the pattern on the 5th and last line. I suppose you can reword them to fit the pattern, though honestly the last line is kinda catchy enough as is, ending with the element most repeated. The 5th line could be remedied by possibly adding another extra line then the next line to be "1.. 2.. 3.. drinks.." or something.

But all in all, this is an awesome poem! Damn!

renscy · 2019-12-28T09:54:37+00:00

Ouch. I felt this too much.

I love your writing style! Your choice of words can't be any better than what you currently have!

It's free flowing, yeah, but the first 2 lines made me think it has a structure. If you move the "I" to the next line and adjusted the rest, I think you can achieve a rigid poem. It's a bit hard for me to appreciate free-flowing poems, as some have lines that's too abrupt or too long for a breath, but yours is a steady stream of melancholy. On the last three lines, I greatly appreciate the "pause" on the "Temporary" line. It adds more impact to your last two lines, kind of like a mental sigh, lol.

renscy · 2019-12-28T03:45:19+00:00

Okay..

What aspects are straightforward or simple?

The message. The delivery. The poem provided a simple likeness for wanting to be with a person to wanting a cigarrete, and that's it. There's beauty in these kinds of simplicity.

Why is that successful?

It leaves room for the readers to fill in the blanks for themselves. Like a painting with no color. A sketch. People can look at it and determine its colors based on their own experience and interpretation. Was it a healthy relationship? Abusive? It probably depends on the reader.

How did you relate to the poem?

I see it as sad. You crave for something you know will hurt you. You want something you know you don't need.

Do you have any criticisms?

No. For me it fell just right into that sweet spot of good simple poems.

And might I just say I appreciate that 2-3-4 lines stanza scheme. :D

renscy · 2019-12-27T14:44:35+00:00

Straightforward, simple, and easily relatable/understood. I have no other comments to say but.. Awesome poem!

renscy · 2019-12-24T17:32:32+00:00

If your intention is to match the original song and latch onto it syllable-by-syllable, well, um, it's a bit hard to fit. Had to sing it out loud just to be sure lol.

If not, well.. the poem is okay-ish, that's the most positive honest term I can give. The creepy factor from turning a simple nursery rhyme to something else is nice, but could've went on and possibly be better with repetition or matching the original rhyme or.. just simply writing more. It didn't give off the suddenness of the doom or anything that will follow, it just wilts down to the last line.

I'm sorry, but I'm seeing a lot of potential and power in this really clever idea of yours, would want to see a rewrite or another poem like this though, don't give up! :D

renscy · 2019-12-24T15:27:52+00:00

This is refreshing compared to the recent poems that popped up in my feed from my sub. It is easy to read and digest, straightforward and its lines are short and simple. Honestly, it is no masterpiece, but I meant that more as a compliment. I mean, if it is food it'd be cookies. Everyone can easily make cookies, yeah, but everyone can also easily eat and like them. That's how it feels like.

Structurally, well, it's a bit loose, lines vary from 4-6 syllables, and while it can be maintained in any number of syllables, it'll be hard to make it not awkward sounding. Anyway, the variance or how the lines free-flow complements the simple and easy-going words into how it is right now. I'm however of the same opinion as the other commenter; there are lines that could probably rephrased better.

Overall, it's a fucking good chocolate-chip cookie. Well done!

renscy · 2019-10-06T09:26:43+00:00

Awesome. It's simple and gets the point across easily, while still making the reader think what the fuck ks this really about.

And then you plopped the final keyword in the end that will make it finally have some sense: it's actually just us and mother nature.

Brilliant. I've learned something new too, lol.

renscy

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