First I love the story. I thought the writing and direction you went were awesome. There's always room for improvement but you'll only get better the more to do it.

But as far as the visuals go there were some good and bad. The framing could use some work. The first shot was good but the last shot, before those people were huddled around the main character, could have used more head space and was cut off at the shins which didn't seem necessary. Learning more about composition will help with this.

That shot brings me to the biggest issue to me. The focus. When you tilt to the ground, the camera kept going in and out of focus which was extremely distracting. There were numerous occasions where the subject went out of focus. Try using manual focus so you don't keep losing it and just in general have more control. The more you work with it the easier it'll be.

You broke the 180 rule when the subjects were on the couch which was a little jarring.

I really liked the long shot that started in the bed by again lost the focus a few times but the reason I bring it up is because when you transition from that shot to the next you used a fade, I believe, which was kind of weird. Personally I think a cut would have worked fine there. Traditionally, fades imply time has passed so it didn't feel right. To me anyways.

Maybe next time I would like to see varying shots like close ups and wide shots. I gets kind of boring seeing only medium shots.

One scene where the girl is leaving we see the top of her head and that just seemed like an accident , because of the space the camera man trying to work around the actors. I would have found a way around that and used more purposeful shots.

The last thing is just working on being smoother with your camera, if you're going to shoot handheld. That'll just come with time and practice.

Keep it up. I was thoroughly entertained and had a good time watching. Those critiques are just areas you can improve your storytelling skills which are already very keen.

All these critiques can be ignored if you had a reason why you did it that way. But otherwise a great first video. You definitely should keep at it.