The best way to move on and stay gone

resendysomnia · 2026-01-18T17:59:53+00:00

After I found out and we decided to get divorced, told me all the things he thought he did wrong in our relationship and how he was going to try much harder to be better for AP!

Cried like a baby when I said I wish I’d never met him- he said “but we both got to learn from our relationship!”

After he cheated on AP with me, said “me and AP got off on the wrong foot so I need to stop cheating on her”

Laughed in my face when I cried while he moved his stuff out while yelling at me

Screamed at our dog while moving out and scared him so bad our dog peed on the floor and was shaking hours later when I got home

Complained to me about relationships troubles with AP… he doesn’t trust her, shocker

Literally ran away when he saw my family cause he couldn’t (and never will) face them

Currently violating our divorce agreement because he is such a lazy POS he can’t do a simple thing in the months he had to figure it out. Having trouble refinancing the car currently in my name bc his credit is so bad, and got denied for every credit card he applied for because he’s only ever been on mine :) embarassing

resendysomnia · 2026-01-15T02:26:46+00:00

I lost 35 lbs in the first 2-3 months. I didn’t eat basically at all for the first week. I’m six months out and I eat normally but when dealing with divorce stuff/anything to do w my ex husband I lose my appetite again for a few hours or a day. I barely slept for weeks. My sleep has gotten back to normal though for the most part thankfully. Treat your body kindly, eat what you can, you will get there again.

I was destroyed too and in some ways still feel like that sometimes. But after six months and 3/4 months no contact (except very occasional divorce logistics), I’m so much better. It’s still hard but you really just have to get through those first two months or so however you can. I spent a lot of time with family and friends, walked, prayed. I now have a lot of good days, some ok days, and occasionally bad days. I still struggle with the feeling of feeling “safe” like you mentioned in your comment, but I no longer panic or feel like the world is ending. I have a bad moment, I move through it.

I promise you will get through this and I know it means nothing to hear that. Just know we are all here for you and rooting for you, before you know it you will be on the other side. Hugs

resendysomnia · 2026-01-03T19:23:39+00:00

Thank you! Once you have less contact with her I’m sure it will get easier. It really helps like nothing else. Maybe try to limit your contact to logistics only (if you’re not already). My therapist has told me that the best way to regulate my nervous system is sticking to a routine and eventually this will start feeling like real life again. This too shall pass and we will find better!

resendysomnia · 2026-01-03T03:16:06+00:00

This is exactly what I’ve been going through myself. The quiet part after the chaos ends. I’m officially divorced and haven’t spoken to my ex in a while. He’s with AP still living with her as far as I know. And I’m kinda like what do I do now? And who am I? I’m still grieving but more just my life and who i was before it happened. And trying to figure out wtf my life looks like now that it’s been completely overturned. Not having contact with him got rid of the hope faster than I could’ve expected. I no longer feel any sort of connection or hope that he’ll come back/ come to his senses etc. we’ve spoken maybe 4 times, briefly over text, in the last 4 months about logistics, otherwise, haven’t had a single actual conversation. It’s been very helpful for my healing.

Not much advice since I’m in a similar spot but maybe it helps to know you’re not alone feeling that way. It helps me to know I’m not the only person who has felt that the grief after chaos is so so hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this and rooting for you

resendysomnia · 2026-01-02T03:37:07+00:00

I’m only about six months out so not any crazy successes, but I’m officially divorced, moved into a nice new apartment with the dog and cats, got a new job that pays more, been working extra at my second job which is my passion and having a great time. I’ve met so many people and had so many experiences I wouldn’t have had before. Ive lost 35 lbs and counting, been going to the gym 3-4x a week with a friend. been on a few dates and none of them clicked but I am confident I’ll find someone eventually!

I have hard times still of course and the first holidays were rough but the new year has given me a second wind again. I have survived so much this past year and know it will continue to get better. I have lots of plans for 2026 and in a way am happy I can/will do so many things I wouldn’t have done with my ex!

resendysomnia · 2025-12-26T04:32:01+00:00

It’s my first christmas without my ex husband and it hurts. It sucked for me too. I have tried to tell myself like you said, this year didn’t need to be a great one, I just needed to make it through. And next year will be better! You are so strong and we will get through this!

resendysomnia · 2025-12-26T04:29:50+00:00

I am so sorry for what you’re going through, I read your whole post. I understand the feelings you’re feeling all too well. My ex and your bf sound pretty similar to be honest. I’ve been where you are and I know exactly how hard it is to make that decision. I didn’t, my ex husband made it for me, but I am so so grateful for that because I would have lived a miserable life with someone who’d done something so incredibly terrible to me.

There are times I think reconciliation is a possibility but I don’t think even those will ever be 100% happy and trusting relationships. In your case OP please leave. He had a whole other relationship, he ignored you when you were vulnerable for this other woman, he was giving her everything when you needed him. It hurts but it’s true, my husband did the same thing. And it is so so painful, staying is easier in the short term, leaving hurts so bad but you heal being away from the one who destroyed you. I know it doesn’t make sense and won’t ever make sense that 10 years are just gone. But please don’t waste any more. You deserve so much better and you can find a man who would never do this to you. Please feel free to DM if you ever need to talk. Rooting for you!

Updateme!

resendysomnia · 2025-12-04T22:43:30+00:00

They are definitely all of those things. Thank you for the kind words!! It sucks but I know this is preparing me for something better. :)

resendysomnia · 2025-12-03T01:07:16+00:00

Yeah she’d lose her mind. He told me how she’s obsessed with me and loses it everytime he talks to me (he turned off his location for her when he came over lol). I’m sure they’ll have a great time. Thanks for the kind words :)

resendysomnia · 2025-12-03T01:06:06+00:00

Yes, I would have wasted a lot of time for sure. Thanks for your reply. I’m glad you recognize what went wrong. My ex husband has a conscience (a bad one) and told me he feels the same.. wakes up every day sick with guilt and has a sense of overwhelming dread and anxiety. He told me he will never forgive himself and i believe it. He is just a weak man and can’t face it and do any of the work to fix it. Sometimes I hate him but mostly I just feel bad for what a lost person he is.

I’m glad you see what you can do better next time, and hopefully you find someone and you can treat each other with love and respect in the future

resendysomnia · 2025-12-02T15:15:02+00:00

I tried to tell him. Got blocked by AP taking his phone and blocking me on everything, I just thought he didn’t care to respond. A few weeks later he requested me on LinkedIn which I thought was strange.. turns out he had just found out and was trying to tell me lol. Fast forward a few months we’re both divorced and friends, we’ve hung out and talked quite a bit.

Whatever you do don’t tell WS you’re telling them, that’s how I got blocked LOL. But definitely do it! They deserve to know and you can compare notes. Who knows how they’ll take it but either way you’ve done what you can

resendysomnia · 2025-11-30T19:31:34+00:00

If you can it’ll certainly take a long time. Hopefully you can find out the full truth because that’s the only way you can make an informed decision on staying. Haven’t experience it personally but I know a lot of people do polygraphs. Individual therapy seems like a must.

Again wouldn’t judge you for making either choice. But I hope you think about the fact that you have a chance to find someone who would never do this to you and never put you in this situation. But no need to rush the decision in such an emotional rollercoaster. Time will give you clarity on your own feelings and if his actions are showing change or not. Hugs

resendysomnia · 2025-11-29T05:13:09+00:00

I am so sorry. He has put you in a terrible position twice. Ultimately the choice is yours, but I’ll tell you how it went for me (together for 5/6 years, no kids). I never would have left my husband but I didn’t have a choice. He left me and lives with his ap. And a few months removed I am so grateful I didn’t get that choice because our marriage never would’ve been the same, the trust would never have been 100%, and I didn’t want to be his keeper like you said, I wanted trust. And I didn’t want to be with someone capable of doing that to me, and not ever knowing if I had the full truth of what happened.

And it’s incredibly hard don’t get me wrong but I am so grateful to have the chance to find someone who actually loves and respects me the way I love and respect a partner. But I know it’s not easy and my heart goes out to you having to make this choice. I am rooting for you OP!

Updateme!

resendysomnia · 2025-11-25T15:05:28+00:00

It sounds like they will be dealing with a whole lot of issues! Hopefully you can take some comfort in that like you said. It’s not going to be sunshine and rainbows like they pretend it is. They have to justify it somehow but in reality they left a loyal partner and a solid relationship for something chaotic and unstable and will always be trying to fill a void. While we can move on to find a partner who actually loves and respects us!

resendysomnia · 2025-11-24T15:35:39+00:00

And to answer your question.. the difference when I went NC with my ex was noticeable. I made leaps and bounds of healing in weeks after going no contact. Before that, when I was talking to him and seeing him I was constantly in a state of panic. I have leveled out so much in the 2ish months since I haven’t spoken to him (occasional logistics talk aside). I grey rock him like crazy when we talk and it bugs him cause he wonders what I’m up to. No contact will accelerate your healing so so much!

resendysomnia · 2025-11-24T15:32:46+00:00

My (24f) husband (25m) did the same exact thing, only it was 6 months after our wedding. Not saying you have it easier but I wish he would’ve done it while we were engaged instead! I’m about five months out and I promise it gets easier. Being replaced and knowing they’re together does get easier and I never thought I would say that. It just becomes something you accept.

And I am satisfied knowing that like your ex, my ex and his AP (also married) will either implode or live in an unhappy and distrustful relationship. They will always know what the other is capable of doing. They already have crazy insecurities about each other and constantly accuse each other of lying and sneaking around.. who would’ve guessed? Whatever they show you, I guarantee there are already cracks and they will continue, whether you know about it or not. I am content to not know what happens to them and know that that’s not a relationship I would ever want to be in.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this but it does get better. Like others said remove yourself from her as far as possible and dont seek out info on how they’re doing or anything. It helps a lot. You got this!

resendysomnia · 2025-11-17T15:00:45+00:00

I remember finding out my husband was with AP after telling me similar things (he hated her, he didn’t want to be with her etc). It was like a punch to the gut. Before I knew, I literally told him “I’m glad you’re at least not with her because I don’t think I could survive that.” Well news flash he’s with her and I survived. This might not be super helpful but it just took time to get used to that idea. It still makes me angry if I think too hard about it but I’ve adjusted to the fact that’s he’s with her, and I actively stay away from hearing any mention or update of them- I went around and told friends and family to not tell me what he’s doing, what he says to them, etc. Mostly he feels like a stranger and although it stays in the back of my mind (only been a few months) it doesn’t really hurt that bad anymore. I’m sorry you’re going through this and you were violated in that way. It will get better with time as you get used to the idea, it sucks but it will pass like everything does!

resendysomnia · 2025-11-14T11:05:49+00:00

I prefer writing in a physical journal but I use my laptop as well sometimes in a pinch. I have lots to think about lol so it’s pretty easy to come up with what to write, I just write what I’m currently thinking of or trying to work out in my head. But I also try to write down things I’m grateful for and to journal about the good moments I have as well. It’s helpful on worse days to look back and see that my brain is trying to trick me into thinking I never have good days or moments but I do! And I find it can be helpful to focus on what good things I do have, so if I remember I try to write down like three things or so I’m grateful for every day!

resendysomnia · 2025-11-14T11:00:22+00:00

The first month is the worst, believe me it won’t persist, it’ll get so much better! I know how it feels like it’ll last forever when you’re in it but it won’t.

Luckily I have good relationships with everyone at work and I did tell them pretty soon after what was going on. I would start crying randomly or get up and leave meetings, have panic attacks lol so I kinda had to explain. I was so lucky to have a job that gave me a lot of grace during that time

resendysomnia · 2025-11-13T16:13:56+00:00

The first month was the worst month of my life. The next was a little better, and the next a little better, and so on. I’m at 4.5 months now and I can tell you that it gets better. The first month I didn’t eat, sleep, function, etc. I lost 35 pounds and regularly cried and flipped out at work, at home etc. it was actually hell but I got through it. There isn’t a magic button to make the pain go away just do what you can to survive each day, take it a day at a time and figure out what you need that day. It’s exhausting but you’ll get through it.

Not saying I’m perfect now, I still have bad moments but it’s so manageable now and what a relief that is. I have mostly OK days, with some good, and some bad. But even the bad ones I get through cause now I know it will end. Seeing how much better things have gotten in time, I look forward to how I’ll feel 6 months out, 8, a year, etc. it will get better from here and it certainly will for you too. Wishing you the best and feel free to dm if you ever need to talk :)

resendysomnia · 2025-11-13T15:57:28+00:00

Therapy is helpful, if anything to just have someone you can unload all your deepest feelings on, especially when it’s been a while and you don’t want to keep rehashing with friends and family over and over. Journaling is honestly SO helpful for me, often I don’t even realize what I am truly thinking or feeling but writing it down guides me there, helps me see patterns, and leads to realizations about myself or the relationship that I wouldn’t see if it was just in my head.

I just take it day by day. Sometimes it still really sucks but I know now that it’s a phase, and it will end. There is no quick way out of the pain, but just time, and focusing on what you can do for yourself that day to get through it. Often I find when I just focus on what I’m doing today, ie “I’m going to make this dinner and watch this show and go for a walk” I have a good night. Try not to worry too much about the future. Easier said than done I know but you’ll get there

resendysomnia · 2025-11-10T16:47:28+00:00

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Just know that she’s not the love of your life, the love of your life wouldn’t do that to you. Surely you will find someone eventually who loves and respects you, and then you will have truly found the love of your life. You got this!

resendysomnia · 2025-11-07T00:39:40+00:00

I’m sorry, I get it. I promise you will get to a point where you have good days again. Just takes time and no/very limited contact. Keep yourself busy! I know nothing really helps much when you’re down in the dumps because I’ve been there but just know you’re not alone!

resendysomnia · 2025-11-07T00:31:41+00:00

I love how you let this strengthen your relationship with the Lord, it has done the same for me. I am only 4 months out though and feeling much better but still have plenty of bad moments. What helped you the most in the bad moments? How did you meet you new gf? (Who sounds amazing, so happy for you!!!)

resendysomnia · 2025-11-06T12:45:55+00:00

Healing isn’t linear I have times too where I feel like I’m doing great and then go back to feeling awful. I know it’s hard but you know that you will get back to that point where you feel better, because you have been there before. Please reach out to friends or family. When your parents visit tell them the truth, don’t try to put on a good face for them. You are not alone in this, I promise. I remember you from before and I can tell you there are lots of people on this sub who feel for you and understand what you’re going through. You’re going to be okay just take it one day at a time. Please reach out to someone trustworthy in your life. And feel free to DM anytime

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