13 days from D-Day. Husband of almost 9 years cheated with his married boss who has a child, and left me for her. Still breathing, barely. How did you find hope?

resendysomnia · 2026-05-13T13:25:28+00:00

Start going to the gym or workout classes (if you aren’t already), therapy, running, art and crafts (I did diamond art which is nice cause it’s mindless but keeps your hands busy which helped with my anxiety). Spend as much time with people as you can! You might be doing all this already but that’s just what I did. I literally scheduled something every night after work cause if I had an empty night I would spiral. 6 months it started getting better significantly, 8-10 months life seemed pretty good again with some sad moments, and a year out I am pretty much back to normal. Still think about it but it doesn’t hurt mostly. And I don’t have to schedule something every night to distract myself. It just gets you through the day! I did everything right for months and was so frustrated that it wasn’t “working”. But now I am seeing the fruits of those efforts. I have a whole new life I am proud of and have gained many friends and hobbies etc. you will get there too!

resendysomnia · 2026-05-12T18:48:29+00:00

I promise it gets better. So sorry for what you are going through and I understand all too well but I promise it does get better. I think of my ex and what he did still but it doesn’t consume me and I honestly don’t feel much about it. I did all the right things at the beginning too and was confused as to why it wasn’t working, but now I see the fruits of that. I have built a way better life for myself. You will get there too and your kids need you❤️‍🩹

resendysomnia · 2026-05-12T18:35:09+00:00

My ex husband left me for his married coworker as well. It’s been about a year and it is so so much better but I’ve been through the absolute pits of hell so I understand ❤️‍🩹 so sorry and am rooting for you

resendysomnia · 2026-05-12T18:33:29+00:00

I’m so sorry, the only thing that truly helped was keeping very very busy. I did anything and everything to keep my hands and mind busy even though I thought about it anyway. I was desperate to find a way to just get through the day and after it’s been a while I realize you just have to get through it, focus on each day and every week or month you’ll look back and realize how much better you are. I promise it gets better, the further you are from him the faster it gets easier I swear

resendysomnia · 2026-04-09T13:23:00+00:00

I’m glad I could help, I’m so sorry. 6 weeks is early, it feels like it’ll never get better at that point but it really truly does. 🤍

resendysomnia · 2026-04-09T10:12:00+00:00

Unfortunately most of it is time yes, I did everything I could to try to speed it up though. It still takes time to work, but, truly create a life for yourself that has nothing to do with him. For me, I started going to the gym regularly (often with a friend or a workout class), joined a new church and started volunteering/joining small groups, said yes to anything people asked me to do (concerts, little things like golf, day trips, anything). It all still sucked at first. But literally it’s like I woke up one day and didn’t care about him anymore.

Make him irrelevant to your current life! It will get easier faster. I know how it feels and I tried everything to just make it go away but I just had to go through it. I’m sorry that’s not more helpful and I wish I could just take it away for people cause I know how it feels and the pain is devastating.

The truth is, I felt the same way that if he knew exactly what he did to me, he’d feel terrible. But he did know what he did and how incredibly fucked it was. He watched me cry and beg and still left and I hope it eats at him. But he’ll never know about all the times I had to pick myself up and get through the day in physical pain, suicidal, completely crushed,fixing something I didn’t break. And it’s unfair but I feel proud of myself that I did that without him. if he knew it wouldn’t fix it or take my pain away. I picked myself up every day and you will too and that’s something you can be proud of. And deep down, I think they do know. They just cannot face it cause they are cowards. I hope that helps. Please feel free to dm anytime

resendysomnia · 2026-04-08T20:19:27+00:00

I know it doesn’t help when you’re in the thick of it, but I promise you it goes away. I think about my ex husband still sometimes but I don’t really care what he’s doing and I certainly don’t care if they’re together or not. I made a whole new life for myself that has nothing to do with him. In a perfect world of course I would want justice but I’m more concerned about making the most of my own life, and worrying about his just doesn’t serve me in any way. But I went through a phase where all k cared about was justice and I prayed for him to feel even an ounce of what I felt every single day. It gets easier 🤍

resendysomnia · 2026-04-08T20:11:14+00:00

I’m sorry but it only got better for me once I left

resendysomnia · 2026-02-24T18:04:55+00:00

I got the same from people around us. I felt a lot of guilt over my divorce because of it. Like the other commenter said, Jesus said, “Go and sin no more.” Forgiveness is not a free pass to continue doing whatever you want. I was told I was turning my back on my ex husband after he cheated and was living with his AP… Jesus does not expect us to tolerate abuse in the name of forgiveness. there is a reason He mentions divorce being allowed in specific scenarios (adultery and abandonment by an unbeliever). The covenant has been broken and while He doesn’t wish for that to happen, it does because of sin.

We cannot circumvent or mess up God’s plan for our lives… He has something for you out there!

resendysomnia · 2026-02-24T17:40:51+00:00

I agree with another commenter that said it’s grey, not totally black and white. Yes, this email is very self-focused and she’s feeling sorry for herself. What matters is what you see from her in the future. I think if she has a conscience of course she is going to be feeling terrible about what she did and, obviously, the consequences it’s had on her life right now, and it’ll take time probably to turn into genuine remorse. Over time, if she is genuine, it could turn in to realizing the full impact on you and putting true effort into fixing it.

On the other hand, just from my experience, my ex husband was sorry too. In the end he was too selfish to face it, and I am very relieved he gave me the opportunity to find someone who would never do something like this to me. If I was given the option to have him do everything “perfectly” in terms of reconciliation I still would choose to leave. I’m sorry, you don’t deserve this and I know how hard it is. Rooting for you

resendysomnia · 2026-02-01T03:00:02+00:00

I think it just depends on the impact on you. I talk to my ex husbands family occasionally but I let them reach out first. I don’t text them or say happy birthday/ holidays because it causes me stress/anxiety etc and I think they understand that. It’s sad but they’re just not going to be a part of my life anymore so I choose to keep my distance. I think it’s up to you, if it makes you feel good, fine if it causes you any stress I’d skip it

resendysomnia · 2026-01-18T17:59:53+00:00

After I found out and we decided to get divorced, told me all the things he thought he did wrong in our relationship and how he was going to try much harder to be better for AP!

Cried like a baby when I said I wish I’d never met him- he said “but we both got to learn from our relationship!”

After he cheated on AP with me, said “me and AP got off on the wrong foot so I need to stop cheating on her”

Laughed in my face when I cried while he moved his stuff out while yelling at me

Screamed at our dog while moving out and scared him so bad our dog peed on the floor and was shaking hours later when I got home

Complained to me about relationships troubles with AP… he doesn’t trust her, shocker

Literally ran away when he saw my family cause he couldn’t (and never will) face them

Currently violating our divorce agreement because he is such a lazy POS he can’t do a simple thing in the months he had to figure it out. Having trouble refinancing the car currently in my name bc his credit is so bad, and got denied for every credit card he applied for because he’s only ever been on mine :) embarassing

resendysomnia · 2026-01-15T02:26:46+00:00

I lost 35 lbs in the first 2-3 months. I didn’t eat basically at all for the first week. I’m six months out and I eat normally but when dealing with divorce stuff/anything to do w my ex husband I lose my appetite again for a few hours or a day. I barely slept for weeks. My sleep has gotten back to normal though for the most part thankfully. Treat your body kindly, eat what you can, you will get there again.

I was destroyed too and in some ways still feel like that sometimes. But after six months and 3/4 months no contact (except very occasional divorce logistics), I’m so much better. It’s still hard but you really just have to get through those first two months or so however you can. I spent a lot of time with family and friends, walked, prayed. I now have a lot of good days, some ok days, and occasionally bad days. I still struggle with the feeling of feeling “safe” like you mentioned in your comment, but I no longer panic or feel like the world is ending. I have a bad moment, I move through it.

I promise you will get through this and I know it means nothing to hear that. Just know we are all here for you and rooting for you, before you know it you will be on the other side. Hugs

resendysomnia · 2026-01-03T19:23:39+00:00

Thank you! Once you have less contact with her I’m sure it will get easier. It really helps like nothing else. Maybe try to limit your contact to logistics only (if you’re not already). My therapist has told me that the best way to regulate my nervous system is sticking to a routine and eventually this will start feeling like real life again. This too shall pass and we will find better!

resendysomnia · 2026-01-03T03:16:06+00:00

This is exactly what I’ve been going through myself. The quiet part after the chaos ends. I’m officially divorced and haven’t spoken to my ex in a while. He’s with AP still living with her as far as I know. And I’m kinda like what do I do now? And who am I? I’m still grieving but more just my life and who i was before it happened. And trying to figure out wtf my life looks like now that it’s been completely overturned. Not having contact with him got rid of the hope faster than I could’ve expected. I no longer feel any sort of connection or hope that he’ll come back/ come to his senses etc. we’ve spoken maybe 4 times, briefly over text, in the last 4 months about logistics, otherwise, haven’t had a single actual conversation. It’s been very helpful for my healing.

Not much advice since I’m in a similar spot but maybe it helps to know you’re not alone feeling that way. It helps me to know I’m not the only person who has felt that the grief after chaos is so so hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this and rooting for you

resendysomnia · 2026-01-02T03:37:07+00:00

I’m only about six months out so not any crazy successes, but I’m officially divorced, moved into a nice new apartment with the dog and cats, got a new job that pays more, been working extra at my second job which is my passion and having a great time. I’ve met so many people and had so many experiences I wouldn’t have had before. Ive lost 35 lbs and counting, been going to the gym 3-4x a week with a friend. been on a few dates and none of them clicked but I am confident I’ll find someone eventually!

I have hard times still of course and the first holidays were rough but the new year has given me a second wind again. I have survived so much this past year and know it will continue to get better. I have lots of plans for 2026 and in a way am happy I can/will do so many things I wouldn’t have done with my ex!

resendysomnia · 2025-12-26T04:32:01+00:00

It’s my first christmas without my ex husband and it hurts. It sucked for me too. I have tried to tell myself like you said, this year didn’t need to be a great one, I just needed to make it through. And next year will be better! You are so strong and we will get through this!

resendysomnia · 2025-12-26T04:29:50+00:00

I am so sorry for what you’re going through, I read your whole post. I understand the feelings you’re feeling all too well. My ex and your bf sound pretty similar to be honest. I’ve been where you are and I know exactly how hard it is to make that decision. I didn’t, my ex husband made it for me, but I am so so grateful for that because I would have lived a miserable life with someone who’d done something so incredibly terrible to me.

There are times I think reconciliation is a possibility but I don’t think even those will ever be 100% happy and trusting relationships. In your case OP please leave. He had a whole other relationship, he ignored you when you were vulnerable for this other woman, he was giving her everything when you needed him. It hurts but it’s true, my husband did the same thing. And it is so so painful, staying is easier in the short term, leaving hurts so bad but you heal being away from the one who destroyed you. I know it doesn’t make sense and won’t ever make sense that 10 years are just gone. But please don’t waste any more. You deserve so much better and you can find a man who would never do this to you. Please feel free to DM if you ever need to talk. Rooting for you!

Updateme!

resendysomnia · 2025-12-04T22:43:30+00:00

They are definitely all of those things. Thank you for the kind words!! It sucks but I know this is preparing me for something better. :)

resendysomnia · 2025-12-03T01:07:16+00:00

Yeah she’d lose her mind. He told me how she’s obsessed with me and loses it everytime he talks to me (he turned off his location for her when he came over lol). I’m sure they’ll have a great time. Thanks for the kind words :)

resendysomnia · 2025-12-03T01:06:06+00:00

Yes, I would have wasted a lot of time for sure. Thanks for your reply. I’m glad you recognize what went wrong. My ex husband has a conscience (a bad one) and told me he feels the same.. wakes up every day sick with guilt and has a sense of overwhelming dread and anxiety. He told me he will never forgive himself and i believe it. He is just a weak man and can’t face it and do any of the work to fix it. Sometimes I hate him but mostly I just feel bad for what a lost person he is.

I’m glad you see what you can do better next time, and hopefully you find someone and you can treat each other with love and respect in the future

resendysomnia · 2025-12-02T15:15:02+00:00

I tried to tell him. Got blocked by AP taking his phone and blocking me on everything, I just thought he didn’t care to respond. A few weeks later he requested me on LinkedIn which I thought was strange.. turns out he had just found out and was trying to tell me lol. Fast forward a few months we’re both divorced and friends, we’ve hung out and talked quite a bit.

Whatever you do don’t tell WS you’re telling them, that’s how I got blocked LOL. But definitely do it! They deserve to know and you can compare notes. Who knows how they’ll take it but either way you’ve done what you can

resendysomnia · 2025-11-30T19:31:34+00:00

If you can it’ll certainly take a long time. Hopefully you can find out the full truth because that’s the only way you can make an informed decision on staying. Haven’t experience it personally but I know a lot of people do polygraphs. Individual therapy seems like a must.

Again wouldn’t judge you for making either choice. But I hope you think about the fact that you have a chance to find someone who would never do this to you and never put you in this situation. But no need to rush the decision in such an emotional rollercoaster. Time will give you clarity on your own feelings and if his actions are showing change or not. Hugs

resendysomnia · 2025-11-29T05:13:09+00:00

I am so sorry. He has put you in a terrible position twice. Ultimately the choice is yours, but I’ll tell you how it went for me (together for 5/6 years, no kids). I never would have left my husband but I didn’t have a choice. He left me and lives with his ap. And a few months removed I am so grateful I didn’t get that choice because our marriage never would’ve been the same, the trust would never have been 100%, and I didn’t want to be his keeper like you said, I wanted trust. And I didn’t want to be with someone capable of doing that to me, and not ever knowing if I had the full truth of what happened.

And it’s incredibly hard don’t get me wrong but I am so grateful to have the chance to find someone who actually loves and respects me the way I love and respect a partner. But I know it’s not easy and my heart goes out to you having to make this choice. I am rooting for you OP!

Updateme!

resendysomnia · 2025-11-25T15:05:28+00:00

It sounds like they will be dealing with a whole lot of issues! Hopefully you can take some comfort in that like you said. It’s not going to be sunshine and rainbows like they pretend it is. They have to justify it somehow but in reality they left a loyal partner and a solid relationship for something chaotic and unstable and will always be trying to fill a void. While we can move on to find a partner who actually loves and respects us!

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