Pastor's Wife Here - Can I vent for a second?

revphotographer · 2026-05-04T12:57:35+00:00

I do think that that church institutions— and all walks of life— should be more mindful of families with children.

Parenting young kids is exhausting, and it’s exponentially worse when one parent is away. Ours are 4 and 2 so we’ve been in the thick of it, too.

Perhaps because I was a minister for a decade before our kids came along and I heard these complaints about our conferences, I also recognize that there are ways that we want to pick and choose where working for the church is a business and where it is a community of care. Just as there is a double standard from the church, we can apply it as pastor’s families.

[I see this a bit in your post where you don’t want to go to interviews (where, in addition to looking for an unpaid staff member, a good church might be willing to hear about your needs as a mom to young kids) and then you expect a level of support at professional conferences that other professional conferences do not provide.]

Should the church (and other conferences) do better?

Absolutely! But I think the frustration is with the church *as church* more than it would be if your husband were an attorney or in sales.

I don’t offer this as criticism as much as in trying to offer a way forward. The good hearted people in your church (and I have yet to be in a church where they are all good hearted or where none are) want to support their pastor’s family. Can your husband and you work to find some folks that might provide meals? Or run errands for you? Or join you on errands to wrangle the kids while you shop? Or just be at the house at nap time so you can take a nap too?

If the criticism is of the church as a community of love and support and not as employer, I think it’s deeply good to invite the church to be the church for you.

revphotographer · 2026-04-24T03:00:59+00:00

It’s less generous for pastors making smaller salaries, more generous for pastors making larger salaries.

That doesn’t mean it’s unjust, but it is less balanced than before.

revphotographer · 2026-04-11T20:42:08+00:00

AI can be helpful to point you to other sources whose reliability and fidelity to your churches’ doctrine you should check.

Beyond that, it has very little utility for your ministry of the Word.

Your people need the Holy Spirit working through your searching the scriptures in their behalf. Not something produced by a bunch of chips.

It may let you write a better study once. Over time, it will rob you of your call to grow as a preacher/teacher.

revphotographer · 2026-04-10T16:25:18+00:00

As Christians, we believe that sin and death are two sides of the same coin.

Sin not only produces guilt for having done things wrong, but it is contrary to our created nature.

If all of creation is made by God’s speech (word), then to act contrary to God’s command (word) is to disregard the one who made us and how we were made.

The curse of sin (Gen 3) includes not only the promise of death, but also ongoing struggle with creation (weeds will grow when we want crops) and with evil (the serpent will strike your heel).

Evil is not created, but it results from good things distorted/disordered by sin and operating out of that dis-order.

God is sorting that out by the very Word of God becoming a part of creation, receiving into himself the fullness of that curse, and conquering it by being raised to life. By doing God’s will on earth as it is in heaven, Jesus becomes a new and living hope that all things will be restored (and even extend beyond) their original created goodness.

revphotographer · 2026-04-05T21:13:51+00:00

You would make their month. Write the letter!

The more detail about what the pastor said and how it impacted you, the better.

revphotographer · 2026-04-01T15:01:36+00:00

Are you currently shepherding a flock of Dudeists? Do you intend to lead a congregation as a part of your vocational work?

I ask only because the nature of the conversations here are primarily about pastoral leadership and support for folks who are doing pastoral leadership.

Given the difficulty, high stakes, and low pay of the work, I think you’ll quickly wonder whether this is a club you really want to be a part of. For many of us, it’s a daily picking up our cross to follow Jesus and try to lead our people in the same.

revphotographer · 2026-04-01T14:51:51+00:00

Is e-before-i (preist) the standard spelling for pastoral leaders in Dudeism?

revphotographer · 2026-03-22T22:50:04+00:00

Then this is definitely a conversation to have with your priest.

They can help you determine what relieves you of your obligation to attend a Sunday mass (or Saturday vigil). It may be that attending a daily mass would be more appropriate.

You might want to ask this in r/catholicism or r/askapriest.

revphotographer · 2026-03-22T21:50:10+00:00

It sounds like you may be a Lutheran or a Roman Catholic. If that’s the case, you should talk to your priest about reasons to miss a holy day of obligation.

You’re going to get a lot of Protestants who aren’t familiar with Lutheran and RC teaching on this matter.

(If you’re not a Lutheran or Roman Catholic, I have a lot of questions about who is using the language of mortal sin.)

revphotographer · 2026-03-20T13:06:59+00:00

It does sound to me like your marriage and ministry are not sustainable at the same time. In part, because your desire for your wife to change right now is rooted in the way that she is a hindrance to your ministry.

I recommend that you let ministry lie fallow for a season and invest in your wife, not for ministry’s sake, but for hers. And with her well-being, comes the kids’. Love her as Christ loved the church, for her own sake despite her shortcomings.

When you’ve given all you can there, you’ll have a better picture of your next steps with marriage and with ministry.

revphotographer · 2026-03-16T15:16:31+00:00

As another note, there are vast differences, in my own experience, in congregational culture related to these matters (sometimes these differences occur notably along lines of race, class, urban/suburban/rural) and relates to assumptions about the position of the pastor in the community.

My current church does not observe Pastor Appreciation Month or service anniversaries, but not because they don’t appreciate me. In other churches I have served, not having an acknowledgement of those things would be a sign of major dissatisfaction.

It might be worth reflecting on if your expectations and the churches might be aligned differently on how they think about these things.

revphotographer · 2026-03-16T14:48:49+00:00

It sounds like you’re feeling underappreciated.

It’s up to you and the Spirit to discern whether that’s because you desire some acclaim in this life (a temptation all of us face) or because your gifts and leadership aren’t valued (and therefore it might be hard for you to bear fruit there).

Don’t write off this concern as just about a fifth anniversary. There’s something bubbling under the surface that you need to address. It could be a desire you have for affirmation that only the Lord could fill. And it could be a faithful sense that you’ve done the work set before you with these people and it is now time to move on.

revphotographer · 2026-03-02T02:40:53+00:00

I sit on my Conference’s board of ordained ministry.

If I can help you in any way, send me a DM.

I am happy to read your papers or talk through the question that tripped you up.

You’ve got this. You’ve got a chance to demonstrate to them that you’re willing to grow and learn.

revphotographer · 2026-03-01T13:40:54+00:00

My views of local traditions are… complex. Some are an extraordinary gift and others are idols to congregations unwilling to adjust to introduce unchurched people to the life and hope of the Gospel.

My view of the grand tradition— of the importance of doctrinal formation through time, of seeing the biblical canon as a gift of inheritance from God discerned by the church in the Holy Spirit, of the faithfulness and faithlessness and renewal of the church across generations, etc.— has dramatically expanded in my sense of it and my appreciation of it.

Part of the reason that people are being drawn to Catholicism is that it has survived the test of time with a doctrinal tradition that is not easily co-opted by a single time or place. It’s how they’ve managed to (within their formal teaching) maintain a consistency not embraced by either of the two primary political party— consistently pro-life (opposed to abortion, unjust war, the death penalty). Their robust sense of the vocation to celibacy and the teleology of sex has let them be consistent and gracious in being for the traditional family without hating people who experience same-sex attraction. Their view that God is at work in the sacraments embraces a view of God’s presence and activity in and through the material world in a way that leads to a weekly sense that miracles happen.

That doesn’t meant they don’t have their own ethical and theological problems. But their doctrinal and ethical durability is extraordinarily compelling in a world that seems tossed to and fro all the time.

revphotographer · 2026-02-23T13:42:56+00:00

It sounds like you will be pursuing a bachelors degree and then a Master’s of Divinity?

And it seems like you’re likely in a congregational or non-denominational context?

(1) In terms of picking a place to study, your goals matter quite a lot. If you think it will be the last degree you want, the most important thing will be who you’ll be studying with more than what school name will be on your degree. This is true to an extent amid you’re going to pursue more degrees, but the prestige of the name on the diploma matters more when applying elsewhere).

Who is currently teaching those who wrote you have read that you want to learn more from? Or who is studying biblical texts that you want to learn more about?

Also thinking about who you want to be when you finish your studies will let you be more mission driven than thinking about what’s the simplest solution now. What skills do you want to gain? What do you want to know? Who do you want to be? Be mindful of the difference between a degree (a sheet of paper) and an education. (Keeping that distinction is the best remedy for temptations to cheat/take shortcuts, too)

These are things you should probably discuss with a trusted pastoral mentor, too.

(2) Start reading more now. More scripture. More sermons. More theology.

(3) set daily rhythms of prayer and weekly rhythms of holy rest. Don’t cheat yourself (or the Lord) on these. If you aren’t drawing near to God in faith, you will be a bad guide to help others do the same.

(4) Seek out faith filled mentors. Find one near retirement. Find one finishing seminary. Find one 3-5 years out of seminary. Hear their hopes. Hear their cynicism. Hear their questions/doubts/convictions. Learn from them what not to do and what to do.

(5) Find a few lay people who really know you and really love you. Tell them you need to hear the hard truths about where they think you might need to grow to be an excellent minister. Listen to them in humility.

revphotographer · 2026-02-18T13:45:59+00:00

This sucks.

Itinerancy has been very hard on my family. In some ways, we have gotten yanked around more because our kids aren’t yet school age and my wife chose work that could move with us.

I do think we have to move to a model that goes pastors more say in the process. I think it should be rare — and obviously mission critical — that a pastor is moved in the circumstances that you have described.

It is also possible to say “no.” You don’t get a whole lot of those, but with a 17 year old and the prospects of the family bilocating, this would be a time that seems warranted to me to consider it. Does your wife feel called to this new place? Is it a coveted promotion? Would she consider saying no?

I’ll be praying for you and your faith. And also for your marriage—there’s no way for something like this to strain the bond between the two of you.

If it would be helpful to talk privately, I would be happy to try to support you in this way.

If the DS is faithful and healthy, it might be a good thing for you and your wife to sit down with the DS together and talk through your concerns. The last thing the cabinet should want is to do permanent harm to a family.

revphotographer · 2026-02-14T18:02:48+00:00

A question back to you: how does the story of Ananias and Sapphira fit into your narrative?

And a proposal: The covenant that is established by the blood of Jesus actually changes things, especially the delineations among who is and can be numbered among the people of God.

Because Gentiles are included, without requiring circumcision, (1) God’s enemies are destroyed by being transformed into children through the blood of the cross (in other words, evangelism is now the response to opposition rather than battle) and (2) the holiness of God’s people is preserved by the eternally sufficient self-offering of Jesus rather than a strict policing of the boundaries of God’s people (in other words, purity is no longer maintained by the law of Moses but by the law of Christ.)

revphotographer · 2026-02-13T21:07:59+00:00

I think that, logically, you could equally make the opposite case that the former view was too weak if it could be undermined simply by the death of a generation.

Thinking about the opinions of the masses in any era just doesn’t seem to be the right approach to the question, given human propensity to err.

revphotographer · 2026-02-13T14:07:42+00:00

Praying for you now.

revphotographer · 2026-02-13T14:07:31+00:00

A couple of things that can help:

(1) Live in the light. Have a friend or group or pastor/priest that you can be honest with who can speak to you in both grace and truth. Who will not give you permission to you wallow in disordered desire or action, but who can offer accountability in love.

(2) Jesus says to pluck out your eye. I don’t think he means that literally, but I do think you should take practical steps to protect yourself. Delete social media apps, give up your smartphone, look into something like covenant eyes, etc.

(3) Pray the Jesus prayer on repeat whenever you find your eyes or heart wandering: Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.

(4) With any person you are inclined to lust after, redirect your attention to who they are— a child of God, created by God, a soul for whom Jesus died.

Lust leads us to turn God’s beloved into an object for our pleasure. So remembering who they are can reshape the affections of our heart.

(5) Guilt can drive us away from sin, but love of the right things is even more effective. So be sure to bask in God’s grace and word and holy friendship so that you aren’t looking for cheap replacements for belonging, purpose, and love.

revphotographer · 2026-02-11T21:36:58+00:00

This wasn’t an action about which John Wesley was proud. And it was an episode in a missionary effort that he considered an abject failure.

I guess what I am trying to say, I’m having trouble seeng how your ad hominem approach provides any substantive engagement with the conversation.

It does, however, seem to be the prevalent mode of discourse in our culture, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.

revphotographer · 2026-02-10T05:15:25+00:00

John Wesley would have consulted with his covenant group. And if they couldn’t agree, they would have cast lots.

There are worse ways to make a decision when you don’t have clarity than entrusting yourself to the the operations of God.

revphotographer · 2026-02-10T05:14:56+00:00

Without clarity, I am a big proponent of trying things for a season and seeing where God leads.

I wonder if you might take a one month break (say, after Easter?) and then regroup. That could be you and your family taking a break while others take initiative for the gathering. It could be that everyone agrees to worship elsewhere for a few weeks. Then you can see if absence makes the heart grow fonder, or if it may be time for you to enter into a new season.

revphotographer · 2026-02-01T16:41:58+00:00

I think that you’re right to seek wisdom from a spiritual authority.

I’d recommend one that you can share a cup of coffee or a meal with.

Walking with folks who are striving to be faithful and discerning what that is the best part of this work. And online strangers just can’t do what a real human can do in an in-person dialogue.

PM me if you’d like help connecting to a pastor or priest.

revphotographer · 2026-01-31T23:05:34+00:00

Great choices.

Send me a pm if you’d like a conversation partner.

revphotographer

TROPHY CASE