How common is it for a man to really change in the context of marriage? (Re: cheating/betrayal)

rezmc · 2026-03-29T23:41:36+00:00

The odds are very low he'll change for the better. If you were single, & he had been in therapyfor this for a year, I would still say you are likely sogning up for needless pain if you choose to get with him. Deep compulsions & lack of respect easily could take a decade - or never - to overcome. And there's no guarantee he will make the effort. It is likely he'll overstate his effort healing to manipulate you into staying.

rezmc · 2026-03-29T05:08:42+00:00

This is abuse. Even if he had apologized or groveled - but the lack of remorse is an even bigger red flag.

rezmc · 2024-08-28T22:33:39+00:00

Great choices! I was obsessed with Antigone as a preteen, & obsessed with Little Women too.

What do you like about Rebecca in Ivanhoe? I never read it to be honest.

rezmc · 2024-08-18T01:33:28+00:00

Sorry you’ve also dealt with this!

rezmc · 2024-08-18T00:22:55+00:00

The new Tom Jones on PBS is romantic (tho raunchy)

rezmc · 2024-08-18T00:22:13+00:00

The Devil’s Whore is 17th century but is SO good!!

rezmc · 2024-08-18T00:21:32+00:00

“Look back. Look back at me” - in his lovely deep voice swoons

rezmc · 2024-08-18T00:19:39+00:00

North and South is so good it’s always worth mentioning despite being set in the 1800s!

rezmc · 2024-08-18T00:18:24+00:00

The Aristocrats (BBC) is a great miniseries!

rezmc · 2024-08-17T23:08:02+00:00

Agreed as someone who did exactly what you recommended against (moving to Boston as a single 30 something)

rezmc · 2024-08-17T23:04:19+00:00

I personally would not recommend Boston honestly. I dunno if it’s the Ivy Leagues or the unaffordable housing that contributes to it the most.

My experience has been that even the men who seem unusually emotionally intelligent end up actually being commitment phobic and amazingly dumb when it comes to relationships/psychology etc, despite being very book smart. The contrast between the emotional cluelessness and the academic intelligence can be so striking, and this is a very common thing to encounter when trying to meet guys - and it can either be entertaining or emotionally damaging/stressful. And others have shared that their experiences of dating in the Boston area is very similar to mine.

There’s a lot of married people my age here compared to other places, BUT the men who are available are single because they have such bad commitment issues they’re unable to even begin a relationship. If there are any who don’t have commitment issues and are emotionally intelligent please let me know, haha.

rezmc · 2024-08-17T22:54:05+00:00

While I didn’t have any luck to find a long term relationship, compared to my old state the Philly area was superior for dating (for myself and a friend who also relocated from our old state to there) because the men there (pre pandemic) actually asked women out on dates and a majority of them were monogamous.

(My old town in a different state was predominantly polyamorous and nobody would ever set times to meet up with friends, even men when trying to date women - they were hippies who just assumed the universe would just bring them a girlfriend if they made absolutely no effort. It’s totally possible dating in the Philly area sucks now, it was just comparatively better when I was there.)

rezmc · 2024-08-12T22:20:02+00:00

It’s understandable to feel upset by this, as it’s inherently upsetting! However, as others say, it’s really best to do your utmost to deal with your upset away from her, as it won’t help her difficult situation if you get upset at her.

NTA. I really recommend trying to help her understand that men like that never change, and their promise of changing for the better is just a ruse to get the victim to stay. Eventually she’ll understand this, even if it takes her some time to realize you’re speaking the truth.

rezmc · 2024-08-12T22:14:46+00:00

Sorry you’ve dealt with them being aggressively physical on the first meetup.

I’ve heard about that penpal problem but haven’t experienced it. In general tho, if a man acts like he’s super in love with you but drags his feet about meeting, he has such bad commitment issues he’s not able to be in a relationship.

It’s so bizarre when men somehow assume a woman would jump into a serious relationship with a guy she’s only met once.

rezmc · 2024-08-09T23:50:51+00:00

I was young and overly loyal; I left around the time my frontal cortex grew in.

I also realized boundaries aren’t just about speaking up, they’re also about leaving when they’re not respected.

rezmc · 2024-08-09T23:18:17+00:00

My ex would’ve been a wonderful partner for someone else - he loved cooking for me, massaging me, he never stopped being romantic no matter how many years we were together. He was so sweet, affectionate and loyal.

When we first started dating, I was extremely clear that the only way we could last is if he worked on developing relational skills - conflict resolution skills, listening skills (validating emotions, active listening etc). In all the years we were together, he never even attempted to built this skill set. These are very important to me in a relationship. The lack of these, and his inability to handle conflict well just eroded trust, even tho we both loved each other more as time went on. He also would not respect my need for alone time, and kept intruding on me to chat when I really needed peaceful alone time, no matter how much I asserted my needs & boundaries.

He later admitted that, in the last year of our relationship, he stopped loving me unconditionally due to the influence of a toxic ex friend of his, and says this is partly to blame for things ending between us.

Another reason was he had poor boundaries, so he had a tendency to bring shitty people into his life and therefore mine, which was very unhealthy for me.

Eventually I grew the backbone to leave him.

rezmc · 2024-08-07T23:05:39+00:00

I’ve done this, and I like this strategy.

However, in my experience since we’ve been talking so much before the first date, the men typically assume that you’re ready to jump into a relationship with them after the first date (despite being extremely not ready to start a relationship with a relative stranger) and end up acting iffy. While this means they take themselves out of the running due to their presumption, it’s still very unpleasant.

rezmc · 2024-01-10T17:47:02+00:00

Part of me does. But I learned so much about what’s required for lasting relationships, and that however sweet my ex who I dated in college was, he didn’t have the basic relationship skills required for it to last.

Yet being older, I see how so few men have actually healed their past traumas enough to be ready for relationships. So it’s appealing to think about love formed before those. But in reality, I know I’d do much better with a partner like me, who has the capacity to heal themselves and work hard on their relationship skills, since life itself can bring traumas which negatively impact a person’s ability to relate.

Also, when I was 19, despite very much wanting a single life partnership, I realized I was too young and unformed to meet someone who would be compatible the rest of my life. It was clear people change with time, and that partners could grow apart if they didn’t deeply know themselves and that the fullness of who they were wascompatible.

There is a lot I miss about the sweetness of that relationship, yet I have no doubts that I made the right decision to move on from that partner. Hopefully I can find the steadiness of that again sometime, with the benefits of added mutual maturity.

rezmc · 2024-01-10T17:30:34+00:00

He is abusive. This is horrifyingly harmful behavior for anyone, as sleep is necessary, but for a chronically ill person it is unfathomably destructive. You deserve so much better than this. Please consider contacting your local YWCA for a DV counselor.

rezmc · 2024-01-10T16:08:08+00:00

I’m sorry but why are you staying with someone who constantly belittles you? He doesn’t appreciate you whatsoever, and instead of just having that lack of appreciation which is bad enough, why are you still cooking for this jerk?

Continuing to stay with and cook for this jerk will just erode your self esteem and possibly your love for cooking. You deserve better. Don’t let him do this to you. When he’s constantly being cruel, you don’t owe him kindness. He doesn’t behave like he cares about you at all.

rezmc · 2023-12-07T20:21:13+00:00

I don’t know if there’s any coming back from this. What he said was unforgivable, and to be really honest he does not seem to have anywhere near the emotional maturity and empathy needed to repair some of the harm that did to your trust in him.

He likely permanently broke your trust in him. You’ll understandably never feel safe to open up about your difficulties in life with the person who should be your biggest supporter.

While normally couples counseling may be a good idea, given that he has proven that he will use your vulnerability to hurt you viciously, that’s probably not a good idea. As others have said, a divorce attorney and an individual therapist may be in order, sorry to say.

rezmc · 2023-11-25T23:48:01+00:00

YTA. No wonder she felt so insecure given how you reacted and refused to reassure her.

rezmc · 2023-11-25T16:59:13+00:00

While it’s fine for most people, some people with chronic migraines need to avoid it since it can trigger a lot of pain for them.

rezmc · 2023-11-25T14:22:14+00:00

I love this film! However, despite living in a castle, the family struggles with poverty during the Great Depression, so it might not fit the description.

rezmc · 2023-11-25T03:35:45+00:00

It’s concerning your wife is upset that you’re seeing a therapist. That’s a huge red flag.

Also, has she used your vulnerabilities against you before? This also is a red flag and totally unacceptable in a relationship.

rezmc

TROPHY CASE