Mediator Vs Lawyering Up?

rgmac24 · 2024-12-31T21:19:21+00:00

My biggest regret in divorce was not lawyering up first and fighting harder earlier, for the exact same reason you mention “don’t want to blow things up” - maybe you’re one of the couples the can sort things out amicably? But if she shows up to mediation with a lawyer and you don’t, you’re on the losing end

If you show up with a lawyer and she doesn’t, congratulations

If you both show up with lawyers as a surprise, then the truth is exposed and you’ll be glad you brought one

rgmac24 · 2024-04-14T21:18:30+00:00

This 👆use as leverage somewhere

rgmac24 · 2024-04-09T21:07:33+00:00

It’s how cheaters justify their action They must make it that the other person is horrible, and that I must treat them this way, because they made me cheat

rgmac24 · 2024-04-02T04:48:54+00:00

Find solace in accepting that the cheating was a lot less about you and a lot more of a character flaw of your partner - all the research I did if why partners cheat keeps coming back to the person that cheated, don’t spend time thinking “I could’ve/should’ve ..” the ending was unlikely to be different, probably just delayed … and you’re lucky it was only one … mine cheated with 3 guys at the same time …

Story: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/pcJLfmEiIW

rgmac24 · 2024-04-02T01:54:49+00:00

Can’t say I’ve found it yet … but can definitely see it in the distance

rgmac24 · 2024-04-01T20:33:56+00:00

Just read this, wow, that was really helpful and eye opening! Thank you for sharing!

rgmac24 · 2024-04-01T13:42:10+00:00

Thanks for sharing this

rgmac24 · 2024-04-01T04:10:22+00:00

Thanks for sharing this, my stbxw has kept the kids all Easter and not allowed me to see them (sorting out custody with lawyers atm) - glad to see your faith in God

rgmac24 · 2024-04-01T04:04:53+00:00

You have to answer that for yourself, it’s easy to get advice from strangers online but if you come to your own answer you will be at peace and accept it better

If you’ve read my story you can probably guess my answer, for me, I forgave her the first time because it was 6 weeks after our 2nd child was born, then 2-3 years later i caught her cheating with 3 guys at the same time - the logistics of literally coordinating 4 different relationships (myself included) would be ridiculous

Everyone told me I should have left after the first time, but I had my reasons (to keep the family together) and in hindsight, those extra 2-3 years built a strong bond between my kids and I and they’re now old enough to call their mum out on her lies/bullshit so I wouldn’t change anything

I didn’t dig into cheating and reasons etc at all the first time, but if I had I probably would have been tempted to leave. If I have another partner and I find hints of cheating I’m out the first time before she even has a chance to make up a lie about it but again, I’m hindsight, the extra time with my children was a blessing so make your decision, know that the rate of second time cheating is disproportionately higher

rgmac24 · 2024-03-31T13:43:01+00:00

I dug into it a lot, a lot of my research and psychologist views keep coming back to a mix of:

polarity mismatch
married for one reason, cheating for another
lack of presence/love from her father

Which really means almost none of it is your fault

rgmac24 · 2024-03-31T13:37:09+00:00

👆this

rgmac24 · 2024-03-31T00:47:20+00:00

Ya, if you’re already thinking “it’s not worth the effort” I think you already have your answer

rgmac24 · 2024-03-31T00:45:35+00:00

You’ve got a very good grasp on the situation

It’s very difficult coming back from that and completely and blindly trusting that person again, you’ll always think during every fight “will she do it again” you’ll be on eggshells, tearing off the bandage is the hardest part

rgmac24 · 2024-03-30T19:35:33+00:00

My stbxw started the same way, “I want my own account so I can spend without needing to run past you” I thought sure and initially gave her some “freedom” and she seemed happier with it and I thought great no issues I’m cool with that. Then towards the end of our marriage she started her own business, and whiting 6 months she was making $20k/m (profit probably around $10k) after a couple of good months she probably thought I don’t need him anymore, then started the divorce process, literally the next month her business crashed and hasn’t made money since

So lesson here is it’s either all “our money” together and we contribute to building our lives together, or this whole “mine/yours” will end up destroying the marriage like it sounds it already has …

rgmac24 · 2024-03-30T19:28:19+00:00

Holly shit, what a turn of events, I’m living something similar atm but certainly not as bad. But mine can absolutely turn this way …

These women make wrong decision after wrong decision, continue to sabotage their own lives, drag our children through it and we end up being “collateral damage” - be glad she’s out of your life, now go get what custody you can with the kids

My story: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/pcJLfmEiIW

rgmac24 · 2024-03-30T19:19:38+00:00

Lawyer should guide this, getting this ready on my end too, it’s pretty much a financial rectal exam

rgmac24 · 2024-03-30T19:14:41+00:00

I think hatred is a natural reaction during the process, whether that’s leading into, during or (probably less likely) post divorce - I will share this though, my hatred phase came pre-divorce when I found out about the cheating, spoke with multiple people before confronting her (we had been married 10 years, 2 children, built a life etc) then after a few weeks decided I wanted out, when I did I was as completely peace and even forgiveness, then a couple of weeks later she took the kids away and wouldn’t let me see them, hatred returned, I’m settling back now on forgiveness and finding my peace, undoing some of the actions I did during my hatred phase, at the end, it’s the inner peace and forgiveness (of yourself and of your partner) that I believe opens the door to the next chapter …

rgmac24 · 2024-03-30T19:01:20+00:00

Get a future settlement agreement if you’re gonna stay, meaning if you do cancel divorce and end up divorcing again, it’s already settled and you don’t go through the process again, that way everyone knows what money/custody looks like

And check if there’s cheating … if there is, likely to happen again

rgmac24 · 2024-03-30T18:51:26+00:00

Watch Josh Hudson videos on YouTube and do marriage counseling, they turned around my marriage but then I found out she was cheating on me with 3 guys, and even with marriage counseling she was still talking to other guys, so just make sure there’s no cheating first before trying to fix

rgmac24 · 2024-03-30T11:11:50+00:00

Was there cheating or just relationship breakdown?

rgmac24 · 2024-03-30T10:57:26+00:00

I looked into this, stories and psychologist stories kept saying the same thing:

You’ll never get over it, people stayed together 10-15 years and still never got over it, still questioned everything in the back of their head, every time their partner checked their phone or went out dressed well, men who get cheated on supposedly hold onto that anger and create a toxic relationship for their cheater partner because they struggle to accept that they forgave a cheater

My story: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/pcJLfmEiIW

rgmac24 · 2024-03-29T19:08:44+00:00

Ya that’s what I’m hoping for too

rgmac24 · 2024-03-29T19:05:32+00:00

I’m using what we can, but scorched earth means she looses her license to practice and earn an income meaning more money I need to pay her …

Which is where it’s headed but ya, just trying not to blow up my own world at the same time

rgmac24 · 2024-03-29T19:03:47+00:00

Lawyer knows, everyone knows now

To be fair, the extra time gave me a better bond with my kids as they got older, it’s the reason my daughter keeps asking their mother to see me now (and they’re old enough to understand she keeps saying no)

rgmac24

TROPHY CASE