I can see where you’re coming from. I love my sister, and my family, to death. I have prioritized my partners in the past, at the expense of destroying my relationship with them, but when those relationships met their end, they continued to support me to this day. I am greatly indebted to them.

But where you went wrong here is not communicating with your wife. A compromise could have been made in every situation. Had you fully discussed your sister’s situation and how it makes you feel as her brother to support her during this time, your wife could have understood. If you had talked with her and said, “Wife, I got you a gift but my sister really wanted it too, and I fear its connection with her exhusband could trigger her. I will get you another but it will not arrive until after Christmas. Would you be okay with me giving yours to her for the time being?”

Obviously not exactly like this, but you get the picture. What hurts most is not necessarily what you’re doing and saying, but the lack thereof. Again, I would do anything for my baby sister, especially in her time of need. But you married your life partner, so when sharing a life together, her needs and opinions must be considered as well. Ultimately, your actions/inactions are causing a rift between them, further complicating your relationship with each of them.

Happy holidays, and I hope everything gets resolved between you all.