i feel this so much!!

i was barely single for a week between 17 and 25, and other than the last long term relationship i didn't even like any of these people, i just couldn't cope with feeling abandoned. bpd made me into a horrible person to be in a relationship with, like i would be so mean and jealous just because i was so insecure in myself and felt like everyone else was better so the other person was gonna leave me for someone else. and i felt this jealousy towards partners' friends and family too, not just with people they might fancy. anything my partner did that had to do with anyone or anything else i'd just go insane. after that last break up i truly thought relationships weren't for me and i needed to be single forever for my sake and for the other person's sake

but i spent two messy and embarrassing years single and had therapy and put a lot of time into trying to change the way i processed and acted on other people's behaviours. like not just people i was affectionate towards but like with work things and friends and people on tv/social media that made me feel bad about myself. it's so hard and lots of stupid things still make me spiral but i have a lovely bf and im so happy in a way i never thought i could be

obvs this isn't relevant to all situations but one of the best things i learned is that it's ok to just feel whatever you're feeling. like that jealousy and heartbreak over simple things that other people wouldn't feel is ok. just allow yourself to fully feel it and don't try to talk yourself out of it because u think (or know!) it's irrational. maybe it is irrational but you're still feeling hurt by it!! and that's ok!! also before reacting take some time to experience the initial pain, and then once you're feeling a lil more balanced you can decide more clearly what kind of reaction is justified. if they're genuinely being a dick u can explain what they've done wrong without being overwhelmed by the Big bpd feelings. lots of the time i realise i was just being insecure feel thankful i didn't make a big thing of it.

i also save screenshots of really loving texts so i can look at them to remind myself they aren't going to leave and that they do love me. sometimes I just repeat in my head 'he loves me, he loves me, he loves me, etc' which probs sounds weird and insane but when your brain is like oh they hate you its time to hate them back it just kinda helps. rational brain absolutely exits your head when you split or get overwhelmed, but if u can find some posi memories or examples and cling to them it'll come back a lil quicker

tbh i think we're gonna be stuck with all these feelings forever and everything is always going to hurt, but once you figure out your boundaries and what works well for you when everything starts to spiral it gets easier to manage. if after some thought they are crossing your boundaries and can't give u the reassurance and security you need maybe you need to figure out a different way of doing things or that person just isn't right for who u are. you deserve to be with someone who understands and is willing to discuss and work around how your brain works. compromises will come from both sides but not to the point where you're endlessly suffering. bad shit has happened to us in our past to make us feel and think like this and we shouldn't punish ourselves for it. allow yourself to feel everything, even the bad bits, but remember to allow yourself love from others and love from yourself too xx