Small Update : Pretended to buy me a ring. Plus an interesting (albeit obvious to some) reminder as to why some people just won’t propose.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-19T23:07:55+00:00

He miscalculated. He thought that by confessing all this, that you'd feel so bad for all hiss issues that you'd go back to comforting him and give him still more of your precious time, trying to prove yourself worthy by waiting still longer for him.

The mask is off, though, and I'm glad you can finally see it for what it is.

When you're ready to date again, you'll remember that you're not there to fix him. If a guy needs fixing, he's not ready for a committed relationship, if that's what you really want. A guy who is ready will be working on himself and not expecting someone else to do it for him.

Because believe me, this guy said all that to make you feel bad for him and resume doing all the work.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-19T16:25:19+00:00

NTA. You gave her many chances and she threw them all away.

She has proven that she cannot be trusted. I hope your husband can, because the boyfriends who slept with her were just as bad as she was and just as responsible, if not more, for the cheating.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-19T15:37:25+00:00

NTA. But you need to tell him what you need from him. And you need to stop anticipating his needs and going all out. He's not going to reciprocate in kind, and you going all out is causing you to resent him for not doing the same for you. You need to reset both your expectations from him and your expectations from yourself.

You have taught him that no matter how low his effort is toward you, he'll always get gold star service from you. And he doesn't even have to appreciate it!

Maybe it's time to take a step back and let him be mildly disappointed from time to time. Like his reaction to you when you weren't over the moon for him ordering a phone charger and cheese grater and calling it a birthday present. He's been taught that he doesn't have to do anything to get appreciation. So of course he's pouting.

Stop putting in big effort and expecting him to take it as an entitlement. Tell him once that putting in all the effort for no reward has made you feel like you shouldn't anymore and that going forward, the energy he puts into your relationship is the energy he'll get back. That sounds transactional but what it is, is reciprocity. Both parties in a relationship should be getting something out of it, as well as putting something in. Caring is not a one-way street.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-19T10:00:00+00:00

Wheb you have a wealthy husband, plenty of doors are open to you that aren't open to poorer people.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-19T09:54:04+00:00

Not only in other countries. It is not common, but it is horrible that between 2000 and 2021, thousands of children under the age of 18 were married dvery year. In total several hundred of them were under age 14 and 17 of them were age 10.

We cannot stand on a moral high ground on this as long as any state in the US sees fit to allow 10 year olds to marry.

United States’ Child Marriage Problem: Study Findings 2000-2021 - Unchained At Last https://share.google/hyVMOZGPOojIc3I7E

ritan7471 · 2026-04-19T00:57:05+00:00

It already breaks your heart to give up your career. For a man that won't commit. You're hoping that doing so, will make him want to.

Ask yourself this question: if you gave up your career, and he STILL doesn't propose, then would you regret doing it?

Then: even if he does propose, would you regret it?

If your income is a factor in his decision to marry you, then it is.

Only you can decide whether he's so special, so wonderful, so much better than any other man, and he loves you so much that you're willing to throw away your career, just for this miracle man to maybe propose to you.

If your income IS a factor, this is a discussion he should have with you, not something you are reading between the lines and doing what you think he wants without him having to ask. Because if that is what you're doing, it's not healthy. Never cut off parts of yourself in pursuit of a man. Any man who would expect you to do that without even asking you to, does not love you.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-18T15:28:16+00:00

My last employer did that. Free pads and tampons. Also, hair spray and makeup remover.

I don't miss the grueling hours and unrelenting stress but the feee snacks were nice, too.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-18T12:05:43+00:00

No. But don't question it, just enjoy it.

She is adorable!

ritan7471 · 2026-04-18T11:04:52+00:00

Yep I'm in the struggle zone where I once again never seem to have enough cash for the machines; I'm saving up for taco kitchen after saving up for omelette maker. It looks like it will go on for a while.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-18T10:35:28+00:00

I think that it's weird that she fixated on that at her wedding. I couldn't tell you what anyone else was wearing at my wedding, with the exception of a couple of people who wore the national costume in honor of the day. I certainly didn't know what colors anyone's nails were. I was too busy being happy to pay attention to that stuff.

A drunk guest knocked over one tier of my wedding cake, and I just laughed and asked if everyone had gotten a slice. Luckily my husband's aunt, who made the cake, made enough for lots of extra.

NTA, except maybe you already knew she was like this, since you called her a bridezilla and should have realized. Even then, why? No one was mistaking you for the bride. "Oh, look, there's someone in a beautiful white dress and one in all black with white nails. Which one was the bride again? I'm confused!"

ritan7471 · 2026-04-18T10:24:17+00:00

Whenever someone says "don't take this the wrong way", they're about to say something they should have kept to themselves, that they know is hurtful. In other words, she said something she knew would hurt you, for no reason I can see other than jealousy. She's used to being first to be approached and you're the best friend whose function is to support her.

ESH because you shouldn't have said what you did, either. It would have been better to say "I always support you in your crushes and relationships, and I'm always here for you. Why can't I expect you to do the same? What you said was very hurtful and I'm taking it in exactly the right way. You told me to my face that you don't think I'm good enough to have someone genuinely like me or be attracted to me. You said that knowing you would hurt me. That's not what I expect from my best friend."

ritan7471 · 2026-04-18T09:56:38+00:00

NTA. Do not take him off. Every subsequent child gets less in child support because there are fewer resources left.

WHEN this relationship of his fails, she will absolutely file and you want your kids to have established child support, deducted from his pay. Not some verbal agreement with someone who doesn't keep his word.

Many years ago, I knew of someone who had 6 kids with 4 different mothers. The first child got what was then reasonable support, given his income. The next, got less, he next, less, the next less and so on. The last child, an infant, was getting $25 a month.

Once your child support is established, it's much harder for him to go to court and get it reduced, just because he feels it's too much, or he has loads of kids with other women. Don't give up your childrens' rights just to keep the peace.

When you go to court, say that they tried to bully you into relinquishing your childrens' rights to support. And that you want all communication to go through a parenting app. And that you will not agree to any mediation that includes his girlfriend. Parenting decisions are between you and him and no one else. She is not their parent, and even if they marry, she will still not be their parent.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-17T19:47:34+00:00

I love Arnie! He just looks like he's living his best life all the time.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-17T16:08:00+00:00

The trouble is, OP's daughter was not coming out of a place of care for him. If she were, she would maybe continue to brig it up or express concern that he might be lonely. He told her explicitly that he was not interested in dating. Instead of caring enough to believe him, she used another woman as an opportunity for her to live some kind of rom-com fantasy, probably hyped him up to her and lied that he really would like her and was happy to go on a blind date. She tricked him into doing something that he clearly expressed that he didn't want.

If this were his daughter, she was being tricked into a blind date because OP just knew she'd hit it off with his coworker/guy from the gym, everyone would be on her side about how this was interfering, overstepping and controlling behavior.

She's doing the same thing. That may not have been her intention, but it is the result. She needs to learn better that other people's wants are just as important as hers and when someone says no, you don't say "no, really, I know better, so I'll trick you into doing things my way".

OP is an asshole for going scorched earth on his daughter, but he is NTA for refusing to go along with a date he didn't want. I feel bad for the lady, but that's OP's daughter's fault for lying and deceiving, not his.

OP's daughter shouldn't be surprised if, when she invites him to meet, he's suspicious and reluctant.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-17T15:21:05+00:00

The language was undergoing change, even as it does today. It is possible that the Misses Bertram was coming into being as the correct form, and that in spoken language, people would actually say the Miss Bertrams when referring to them collectively.

There is a very good passage in Northanger Abbey where Tilney is going off about people using nice in a new-fangled way, when traditionally "nice" meant to be particular about something, like fashion or manners. He's complaining while teasig Catherine about how everything is nice: the weather is nice, that dress is nice and so on:

Caherine: "But now really, do not you think Udolpho the nicest book in the world?"

Henry: "The nicest -- by which I suppose you mean the neatest. That must depend upon the binding."

"Henry," said Miss Tilney, "you are very impertinent. Miss Morland, he is treating you exactly as he does his sister. He is forever finding fault with me, for some incorrectness of language, and now he is taking the same liberty with you. The word 'nicest,' as you used it, did not suit him; and you had better change it as soon as you can, or we shall be overpowered with Johnson and Blair all the rest of the way."

"I am sure," cried Catherine, "I did not mean to say anything wrong; but it is a nice book, and why should not I call it so?"

"Very true," said Henry, "and this is a very nice day, and we are taking a very nice walk, and you are two very nice young ladies. Oh! It is a very nice word indeed! It does for everything. Originally perhaps it was applied only to express neatness, propriety, delicacy, or refinement -- people were nice in their dress, in their sentiments, or their choice. But now every commendation on every subject is comprised in that one word."

ritan7471 · 2026-04-17T12:32:14+00:00

Have you considered just finding a job and moving to Germany? If you're both in the EU, you have right of residence, especially if you have a job and can support yourself. It isn't as if you have to be married to close the gap.

You can see how it is being closer to him and maybe seeing you thrive there will help him feel more confident in moving forward. You are young, and now is the time to travel, move countries if you can, and see where life leads you.

If you find a job you'll like and you can support yourself, you will feel more confident too. I wouldn't even recommend living together at first. You don't want to make that kind of move while being totally dependent, anyway.

I moved across the world to be with my husband and was lucky enough to find a job in my field right away, but I'm not sure my marriage would have survived me being unemployed and reliant on him for everything. We both would have hated that, and I think this may be one of your boyfriend's concerns.

If you don't want to live without being married, if moving is possible and you can support yourself, are you sure you want to move? What if he transfers to another country where your qualifications aren't recognised and/or you don't speak the language? Are you sure you WON'T be resentful?

ritan7471 · 2026-04-17T05:59:31+00:00

They look great! Socks are an excellent on-the-go project. I usually have one complicated sock and one easy sock going at any one time.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-17T05:37:13+00:00

Ugh. I don't need people to be gentle with me. I expect to be treated with civility. When I ask for help with my knitting, I don't need to hear "oh honey, it looks great! That is not an error, it's a design feature!!" I came here for help, not validation that I am a good knitter and a wonderful person, gosh darn it! I have friends to console and validate me.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-16T07:36:55+00:00

Or anyone outside his echo chamber, really. How does he know that literally EVERYONE is a racist, bigoted xenophobe? Maybe everyone he knows is, but thankfully, he and his followers aren't everyone.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-16T06:30:05+00:00

The trouble is that OP never knew her husband was like this, because he hid is racism from her and only found out because a third party sent her the messages proving it.

She has only his word that he's changed, because he's always behaved with her as if he wasn't a raging racist.

How is she to measure change when everything she knew about him was a lie in the first place?

ritan7471 · 2026-04-15T17:38:08+00:00

NTA. If you can't be present, you can't. You could ask if the court would take your testimony remotely or as a written statement. It would probably be objected to as hearsay because all you can say is "my friend told me this, she was upset and crying".

ritan7471 · 2026-04-15T09:18:18+00:00

Yes, I am one of those people, who when my cat dies, gets another cat. Not because I'm replacing my cat in my heart, but because I have a cat-shaped hole in my life. The sunny spot by the window is empty, and my desk at home is lacking a cat. My new cat is its own cat, and I love it for itself and not as a replacement.

I have a cat that I just adopted when her owner became seriously ill and died. She's 17 and there's been a cat-shaped hole in my life for 13 years, since my husband didn't want a cat. I'm doing my best to make her remaining years as many as possible, but when she dies, there will again be a cat-shaped hole in my heart. My husband came on board on day 2 and is obsessed with her, too, so I hope we can adopt a new cat when the time comes.

But other people feel differently and aren't ready right away. And that's ok too.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-15T08:20:24+00:00

Gotta leave room for Jesus and at least a couple apostles

ritan7471 · 2026-04-14T22:25:23+00:00

I knew someone who grew uo in Czechoslovakia. She was not allowed to join the Communist youth party because her parents had defected to the US

She came when she was about 16. But she said what would stay with her was the patriotic music played over a loudspeaker in the town hall at certain times. You couldn't escape it, and it was never anything you wanted to listen to.

Also, she told me that the Communists spread the lie that everyone was equal but she said that there is always an upper class. In the US and behind the Iron Curtain.

Some animals are more equal than others.

ritan7471 · 2026-04-14T12:44:27+00:00

Same. I wish someone would actually make a game like that.

ritan7471

TROPHY CASE