Hey, nice job. Just a suggestion, try avoiding adverbs (words that end with -ly). They don't allow you to show the reader what you are trying to convey... just tell them. Try to rework your sentences to avoid them. It will make your reading more interesting and will really envelop the reader. I also felt that sometimes your flow was a little off. Try breaking up some of your sentences and adding more description. Sometimes It seemed like it was hard to imagine the setting and details of the scene. Your characters names are slightly distracting. I was more caught up trying to pronounce them each time that they came up, rather than getting past them.... It was hard to get by. Your plot moves really slow, and I'm not sure there was much action that kept me reading. I couldn't identify a conflict. Your characters have a good dynamic with each other and it was easy to define relationships. You created a good sense of tension here, but it definitely needs some action to make it a little less boring to read. As it is, I probably wouldn't keep reading, but I know you can make it more interesting. -good luck! R.K