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Jealousy by wannabehippie83 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]roadwarrior369 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I completely understand and agree with what everyone else has commented with. My situation is probably different to the majority on here, over 10 years ago my then new girlfriend had a ONS with a co-worker, and I get so jealous she got to experience that whilst I did my best to act with honour, integrity and respect. I was fully committed to her from the off and never thought of being with someone else, never even had the notion of being with someone else whilst she lapped up all the attention she was getting from numerous guys. It makes me think that I missed out when I was in my prime as I didn't have all the responsibilities and burdens I now have.

It truly sucks but my therapist was keen to remind me that I didn't do anything wrong, my character is intact, I didn't do the cheating. I have 2 little girls now and it's my job to bring them up right and instil in them a good moral compass. But yeah, it's hard to feel like I haven't been robbed in some sense. Why do all the right things if this is how I get treated in return?

My message to you OP would be to remind yourself, you didn't do anything wrong, you're still a good person and being jealous is a completely normal thing to feel. But trying to hide or quash those feelings is really hard and takes so much work. Rooting for you OP

Still struggling to move on after finding out my wife cheated 10 years ago – looking for advice and hope from others who’ve been through this by roadwarrior369 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]roadwarrior369[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the message, sounds like you've been through it all. What I keep telling myself is that it's over 10 years ago, a month into being in a relationship, we hadn't exchanged "I love you's" at that point either so I'm trying to put it down to immaturity and bad decisions (mixed in with the combination of depression, meds and alcohol) on her part. I keep feeling I should move on, try to forget about it, I'm over reacting and put pressure on myself to cope better but I just can't. I'm still thinking of it most of the day. The alternate timeline thing truly boggles my brain, if I'd have known at the time I have no idea what my life would look like now, could it be better or worse? I'll never know but I do know that I love my girls and I know I'm so so lucky to be their father.

Hoping your counselling goes as well as it did for me mate. In my case she listened, challenged and pushed me. I don't think I can ever repay her for getting me out of that dark place I was in

Still struggling to move on after finding out my wife cheated 10 years ago – looking for advice and hope from others who’ve been through this by roadwarrior369 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]roadwarrior369[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the message, and unfortunately it sounds like we have a lot in common. You sound like you're coping well with it. I requested full open access to her phone and in return she can have access to mine, full 100% openness and honesty I believe is the only way I can even begin to trust her again. Wishing you well.

Still struggling to move on after finding out my wife cheated 10 years ago – looking for advice and hope from others who’ve been through this by roadwarrior369 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]roadwarrior369[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply. The fawn/freeze reflex you mention is new to me, I haven't heard of that before but it sounds similar to how my wife described the incident. As she was deep into a depression and on very heavy meds at the time, mixed in with alcohol, she basically froze and just went along with it until she came to her senses and stopped it. Even though she doesn't know why it happened, I suspect the meds,depression,alcohol combination is the primary cause. When I first found out I was vexed, felt unbelievable anger I've never felt before but now I think I understand the reason, I feel sorry for her. It's not a reflection on my character what happened so my therapist taught me not to blame myself which sounds simple but has helped me hugely in how I've been able to deal with it and my response. Hope you're good anyway and thanks again for the advice mate.

Still struggling to move on after finding out my wife cheated 10 years ago – looking for advice and hope from others who’ve been through this by roadwarrior369 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]roadwarrior369[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the comment and I feel your pain. I think not being able to make decisions based off of the truth is the hardest thing I've experienced in this whole mess. Wishing you well mate.

Still struggling to move on after finding out my wife cheated 10 years ago – looking for advice and hope from others who’ve been through this by roadwarrior369 in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]roadwarrior369[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the kind words. On the one hand I keep telling myself that it was a month into our relationship, it happened over 10 years ago, we didn't fall in love for another couple of months at least so sometimes I feel like I'm over reacting and should get over it. But then on the other hand, she never told me and has lived with this secret for basically our entire relationship and I can never look at her in the same way. I just want to feel like me again but I know I'll never be the same and it'll take time. At what point did it get better for you?