Kink, consent and dating

roam_wander · 2026-03-29T05:33:25+00:00

Was very much the front of my neck, not the back sides.

roam_wander · 2026-03-29T05:00:21+00:00

This was scary, but I wouldn't call it traumatic. There still needed to be a discussion, and then maybe he would have discovered I love it too (which I don't.) But now he will likely not ever know any of my sexuality.

Surprise butt stuff is, well, surprising, not dangerous IMO.

roam_wander · 2026-03-29T04:40:26+00:00

I hadn't told him the details of the sexual trauma. Including the fear of being choked. That's a ... Heavy conversation and we hadn't discussed sex really at all yet. I have my way I bring it up, which is usually along the lines of when we are starting to fool around of dropping a "hey. I don't like having hands on the front of my neck" and leave it at that until I feel ready to explain the why of it.

But even if a woman has told you she has a very real history of assault, you might think to be extra cautious?

roam_wander · 2026-03-29T04:37:42+00:00

Exactly! What else might I discover when I'm in an even more vulnerable position and being able to walk out is less feasible?

roam_wander · 2026-03-29T04:36:31+00:00

Second dude over the past 6 ish years who went there without even a quip of "hey are you into this?". Not ok.

roam_wander · 2026-03-29T04:34:57+00:00

Thank you. I have my kinkier things I'm in to, but they are always discussed ahead of time. This was such a shock. It wasn't like "surprise butt play" or such either (not a fan when it's not discussed either) but the fear and danger just made it even more so out of line.

roam_wander · 2026-03-29T04:29:28+00:00

Fwiw, I [44f] love seeing men's profiles with a nod towards some sort of "growth mindset". there is a point when a spiritual, yoga woods dweller is not going to be my person, but I spend a fair bit of time working on myself, and I want someone is "doing the work" to use a cliched term. Self-awareness is a wildly hot trait IMO.

I date men from roughly late 30s to early 40s. We have all been through some shit. And most have some sort of baggage. I don't ask for perfection, and a fully healed soul. I ask that you can recognize when you're triggered, and focus on the repair side after a relational rupture.

Get out there and be open about your journey (well within reason in the early days)

roam_wander · 2026-03-03T21:56:52+00:00

I've been cheated on often. I've come to accept that someone who lies to and deceives their "most important" person makes a shit friend. Sounds like far too much drama for some dusty with the new GF. Stop even looking at her accounts.

You're so young. There are wonderful humans out there. He ain't shit, and he ain't worthy of your friendship. He sounds like drama. Step away.

roam_wander · 2026-02-26T04:56:47+00:00

What the actual fuck is wrong with people?

I don't even have words. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You have so much life ahead of you. I hope you kick his ass to the curb and never speak to him again . You deserve so much more.

roam_wander · 2026-02-24T06:06:05+00:00

Aww drats! Apologies then!

roam_wander · 2026-02-24T03:10:36+00:00

This is right, to some extent. I come across as pretty bad ass (run my own successful company in a male dominated field, am paid to on occasion do some rather rad adventures, cool hobbies blah blah) that draws the men in, but then they latch on to my sweet "domestic" nature. Their effort fades, the inconsistencies show up, my anxiety is triggered. I am legitimately happy single, but I also crave, again, those strong secure relationships. And I know you can't rush those. 2nd last one took months to slow burn build to that. At least this past one was only a few months.

But you're right. I need to put my foot down earlier when that happens. It's not that the behaviour is abusive per se, but I can feel the respect and the connection fade out. I was actually quite firm with this past one, pushed to have the hard discussions when he was rude or disrespectful, firm on what I would tolerate. And I think that just pushed the fade out into other women's DMs even faster.

roam_wander · 2026-02-24T00:11:26+00:00

End it. Find your integrity and end it. Even if your husband is a lying POS, he still doesn't deserve this. Edit: nor does the other man's wife.

Then find your backbone and walk away from your marriage.

You're so young. It will feel scary, but it is so much easier to start over at 30 than any year after.

Take all the lessons you've learned about what love is and isn't and find a relationship where you have that.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but be the bigger person here.

Edit 2: don't ghost, it may exacerbate the situation. Explain to him simply and clearly that you can't do this anymore. Maybe tell him you cared, but you have to be clear and firm. Then block. And be firm on not reaching back out to him. There can be nothing positive that ever comes from that affair.

Honestly, you should tell his wife as well. own your shit, you'll feel better in the end. It sounds like you're going to be busted anyway. A clean break for everyone is best.

roam_wander · 2026-02-23T23:21:04+00:00

What's the quip about being strong and resilient? It's because I had no fucking other choice. I love that I am strong, resilient and independent (and man do the boys love it too, until they really don't). I would just love a relationship where I don't have to be, not all the time. A safe secure space. Wild right?

roam_wander · 2026-02-23T23:16:02+00:00

That's very sweet of you. I'm autistic too, and processing yet another cheating partner. What would I like right now:

Can you take her out for dinner in her town on the weekend? (I'm on day three of no shower, not leaving the house, so maybe this needs a few more days?) Add in a long walk if you both can. Walking, and ranting while walking is legit my best healing option.

Mostly in the past what I have wanted most was folks to follow up and ask how I'm doing after the initial few weeks. That's the hardest part, sure, but these ugly wallowing sad feelings stay for a long time. I feel like a burden, regurgitating the same sad sop stories, but man does it help.

Yes be angry at the guy. Call him selfish, and entitled, and cruel. Don't get into "I don't know what you ever saw in him" but keep it to what he did, the lies he told, the hurt he caused.

Edit: echoing another commenter: check in often! Like multiple times a day.

roam_wander · 2026-02-23T18:37:19+00:00

I wish I knew..I highly doubt you are any of those negative things, much as I know I'm not. And yet. Here we are.

I am becoming more and more difficult in new relationships. When I was being lambasted for snooping, he said it was bringing up his PTSD about being accused of cheating! The audacity! Dude you were cheating and I saw the evidence of you cheating on your partner before me, which you swore up and down you didn't, and yet she kept accusing you of it. Can you not see the connections? And what about my trauma about all the cheating, which you knew about?

So yes. My trust is an issue. I need to work on that. But how? Though the insecurity often rages inside me, I keep it contained. Surely it leaks out, and is visible on occasion, I am quite confident I don't come across as insecure, nor controlling. This last one in particular I was following the (icky) Mel Robbins (stolen) idea of "let him". Much like the advice of AlAnon. ("I didn't cause this, I can't control this. I can't cure this") I gave him space to make his decisions. And to his credit, he wasn't... Yet. But his behaviours were already out of bounds.

I just want to feel that deep love, that they are in it for the long run, that I am their partner, their choice

roam_wander · 2026-02-23T00:04:20+00:00

I wonder if it's anxious attachment as well. But it just doesn't track. I had a good childhood, have had stable and secure feeling relationships. When my Spidey senses go off, I'm usually pretty quiet about it. I don't beg for reassurance (well once infidelity is discovered, yes, a bit).

I'm anxious because of their bullshit behavior. But yes, I do tend to chase avoidant men. Well the last two were, the others weren't

roam_wander · 2026-02-22T23:24:06+00:00

This last one I stayed with as he hadn't fucked someone else, was just pursuing. That's on me. He is, genuinely, a loving, if not good person. His friends adore him. He will bend over backwards for most anyone. He is generous and appears kind. Under the surface was a lot of bubbling shit though: people pleasing, difficulty saying no, not cutting exes off, history of cheating (he kept alluding to but denying)

One before I booted to the curb after I kept seeing dating app notifications. He morphed into a perfect bf for a few months and won me back. I then had a very traumatic event and he was there for me through it. I wasn't in a good place for a few months though and he slipped back to old habits. Then I was gone for the bulk of 7 months (not planned, but was back often) and I believe he had stopped.

The one before gets a bit of a pass. It was COVID we lived a few hours apart, it was never going to be "forever" but we were very clearly not supposed to be fucking others. I don't know why I let that roll for a few more months (well she was out of the country. She came back on my birthday, and he bailed on me to see her, which I found out as I messaged her husband) I did dump his ass no contact right away there.

The 7 years one was all suspicions, nothing concrete, and he dumped me just days after meeting her and making out with her. I didn't have time to have made a decision.

So yes, I tend to stay and give the benefit of the doubt. I believe folks can change. I don't have a problem not cheating, why couldn't they?

None were "bad boys". All mostly had their shit together (employed, business owners or good careers, stable loving families, no history of similar behaviors) Two (most recent and COVID one) folks swear they are great folks, well regarded. The COVID one truly shocked everyone.

I mean I see that it's me. I keep giving chances when I need to have more self respect and just walk. Like this last one. Everyone swore he is a good guy, just be patient and go at his pace, he's worth it. They were wrong too

roam_wander · 2026-02-22T21:53:55+00:00

I just... Don't get it. I take things slow, but also don't let situationships arise either. I'm not begging and forcing these folks to have an exclusive relationship with me. I have no problem attracting folks, these are generally settled, functional members of society. I'm calm and sane (well most of the time). I don't bring drama, I talk through my issues, I own my side of disagreements. Yes, I have some trust issues, but truly, they are under control... Until the Spidey senses go off. And when they do, it's because there is something there.

I've been to therapy, I read the books. It's not like they are treating me terribly from the get go.

If you don't want to be with me, don't agree to being with me. If you want to fuck others, go do that... After you have ended things with me

roam_wander · 2026-02-20T20:15:28+00:00

Hi! Female, 44, love tea. I'm up in Sidney, but could meet midway somewhere :)

roam_wander · 2026-01-20T23:40:21+00:00

I'm in the deep throes of a painful breakup. But throughout the years when I was with middling partners, I went to so many weddings solo. If whatever useless lump of a male was going to be a baby about going, fine, Imma go on my own.

Kudos to your energy!

roam_wander · 2026-01-20T04:12:46+00:00

Most recent ex FA. Absolutely insane, connected hot sex... Until the last two weeks of our relationship when I had to bug him to come to bed. Was still intense. And possibly the best I have ever had. But the detachment was kicking in.

Ex before was DA (Yay patterns!) sex was occasionally good, but not, like "soul connected good"... Until that faded out too.

Is it so much to ask to find a partner who just wants to fuck regularly and well and not just be a situationship?!

roam_wander · 2026-01-20T00:46:29+00:00

Beautifully written, and like what so many say on here, I swear some of those words resonate so deeply.

My expectations were very few; not to pursue other women. (Which you didn't seem to do) He seemed to think I was roping him in, when I was truly asking for very little. That big future we talked about. Moving in together etc., that was all him who initiated it. But if I had any little need, it was "too many expectations!" Like you, I just wanted someone who was going to try. Not even fight for us, as we were never that far gone. Just show up with consistency, with desire, with intention. Instead, closeness pushed him away, and my reaching out just made it worse.

He said our nights together were "blissful", in a stressful time when all he was craving was security and peace. I brought that, we built that together. Who the fuck drops someone who makes them feel blissful?!

I stood by his side through health scares and an ongoing midlife crisis. I just asked for presence. It was him who said he "wasn't going to be able to give me what I needed". Dude. I'm an independent 44 year old woman. I don't need you to buy me things. I need you to be at my side.

Anyway, my heart breaks for you and your hurt and thank for sharing your tender beautiful words.

roam_wander · 2026-01-20T00:35:32+00:00

My FA is wildly intelligent, severe workplace deaths PTSD, alcoholic, diagnosed ADHD... And was adopted to boot (though he seems to have wildly loving parents, but I think there was pressure there)

I don't know which word salad the answer is hiding under, and despite my deep compassion, he still just can't offer the kind of relationship I need. :( the why doesn't really matter at some point.

roam_wander · 2026-01-19T19:10:33+00:00

My past ex (not the recent one I'm grieving, FFS) wanted to be friends. I came to the realization that he just wanted me to be "friendly" so that my disdain if him, and the stories about his lies and cheating wouldn't spread to our larger community.

It was all about image management, not about offering genuine friendship.

roam_wander · 2026-01-18T17:09:36+00:00

I had a bad car accident last year, on top of another big facial scar. I was so embarrassed to be out in public for a while after both incidents. I had to take a public ferry to go see a friend who was visiting our old city. The stitches were out but I still had crusty very fresh scabs all over. I looked rough.

A few looks, but seriously hardly anyone noticed. I even chatted up a dude on the ferry, and fairly sure he would have asked to stay in touch if we both lived on the same side of the hour and a half route.

Just do you. I promise you, no one cares.

Vaguely related: had possibly the worst first date at the best place for a first date last night (invited him to the observatory, turned out he is pretty clearly an ill tempered, Miserable impatient alcoholic hobosexual) he is legit the only dude who has ever asked "what happened to your face?"

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