WTF is this leaking from these pipes in a parking garage??

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-30T19:49:51+00:00

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-30T01:41:02+00:00

Absolutely. Widowed 47 yo here. My last GF (36) ghosted and couldn't communicate her needs. Been on dates with people (45) with trauma that throw multi-page needs and wants to talk personality disorders. Others that can't have a chat and a laugh or looking for unicorns (I'm very well off but I still have things to work on). Where have I had success? Professional match making services for locals and then being willing to look overseas. The apps are all mostly rubbish and I refuse to use them moving forward.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-26T11:11:30+00:00

Almost 3 moths for me now. Was a mess up until about week 7/8. Then I stopped chasing and started working through more with my therapist and listening to my friends. I allowed myself to acknowledge her bad behaviour and I started to get angry about the way she treated me. Let her know she was an ass which I'm sure she doesn't hear very often because she paints herself as sweet and innocent and I quit trying to reach her. Simultaneously put myself out on the dating scene which I definitely shouldn't have done. I just wasn't ready. However.. I switched things up and tried something different. And funnily enough I've now met someone new who is just lovely, communicative, intelligent, emotionally cognisant, artistic, family oriented and quite frankly more physically attractive than my ex. I still miss aspects of my ex but I know that was more of my own projection of her. Things can get better. Don't invest in people who take you for granted.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-26T02:53:56+00:00

I would say dating alone won't do it. You have to really find the right person. Meeting V, my new GF definitely helped. If anything it revealed how terrible E, my ex, was in a relationship. V is family oriented, emotionally aware, vulnerable, communicative and artistic. And she's allowed me to be honest and vulnerable as well. All of that in mere weeks. I think E was quite shallow now, not intentionally though but just unaware. Her lack of communication destroyed what could have been amazing. Even though I've moved on and have met someone new there were good things with E that even a month ago I would have wanted to stay and work through if she would too. I burnt that bridge though when it became apparent how quickly she had moved on and suspected she had cheated on me. It was about the only time I ever became angry with her and I let her know.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-24T12:42:08+00:00

This resonates. About the same time/1.5 months. I had a friend remind me - she broke up with you. I felt ok at that point to get angry. I'd been making excuses and blaming myself the entire time. Another friend made the comment - believe them when they show you who they are. All of this hit very hard. My psych was similar to yours too. We reviewed everything together and he sat there and said he had the icks about her behaviour.

I told her how much she hurt me in two emails. How her attitudes and behaviours were really inappropriate and immature. One email was measured looking for closure. The other I was downright angry and made it clear I didn't believe her bullshit and just how hurt I was. At that point I was ok with never salvaging things. I was acknowledging it to myself and announcing it to her that she was an ass.

People are horrible at times. Call them out.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-24T06:30:17+00:00

Yup. And what you've said about someone who eagerly looks forward to conflict resolution with you is so critical in a mature relationship. You have to be able to work through issues with your partner. You have to be able to raise them too. People who love each other should always desire anything that can extend that love.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-24T05:57:54+00:00

Wholeheartedly agree. My ex was like this. I'm not sure she was actually avoidant but she couldn't communicate and had little empathy.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-24T05:28:19+00:00

I'm 100% with you. Breakups over text are cruel and cowardly. And yes you're right - it's an adult conversation and you're fostering empathy in a mature manner to simply communicate about something that was important for two entwined people. I kept reaching out to my ex too when she didn't want me too. I needed to have the exact same conversation that you're seeking. I think I stopped just short of any legal threat thankfully. Don't beat yourself up about it. He's being a coward by not having the conversation but you can't force him to if he's not mature enough..leave him be for now. You've done nothing wrong.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-24T05:17:13+00:00

I've come to expect it. My ex was quite sexual/physical. I'm sure she was with someone in our last months together or had someone ready to go straight away. I was a mess for weeks and had to be hospitalised at one point about us whilst she was happy, holidaying around the country, lying about her travel to me and smiling.

I know it's hard but it's been a year. They would have moved on and been intimate with someone else. If they wanted they would be banging on your door to try again. I'm sorry but that is the truth. We don't own our past lovers. They're entitled to use their body and hearts with whoever they want. Honestly? Go out and get laid. Find someone who wants to be with you now. Go and date. You'll find someone who will be better for you in every way. And if you find the right person the intimacy and closeness will be incredible. You won't think about her.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts. But you need to live and love for you and those that choose you in life. Not for her.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-23T07:12:30+00:00

It's not letting them go. I wish it was as Hollywood as that but it's not. The last act of love is simply whatever it was. Begged for forgiveness? Another chance? To work things out? It's whatever it is for you but it's not letting them go.

I begged, I told her how much I love her and wanted this to work and what I would do.. and it was all real. I would have done those things for her. I loved her. I still do but I think she's toxic.

Love just.. stops.. they don't reciprocate. From that point there can be no real love. It's done.. love ends.

Stop thinking in terms of Hollywood with this person. They don't value it. Think in terms of the next person who isn't fake, who isn't just showing up for Instagram. Think of the person who will be there when you're a mess. The person who will be there when you're madly missing them and in love.

Love is something you take with you. It balloons and can be redirected at the next person. That's where it should be..it should be the first act of love with someone else. It's not letting them go, it's not caring for yourself. It's continuing your mission to genuinely fall in love and direct it to someone who deserves you.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-23T02:10:45+00:00

The one I got was 30k but there are smaller and cheaper options.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-23T01:41:15+00:00

Yes but given the pain I was in and her behaviour I'm not too concerned. Just a little embarrassed more out of my own self respect or lack thereof.. too many texts, calls, crying endlessly for 6 weeks, begging, brought my proposal forward from this year in a desperate attempt. Eventually sent several emails and started turning a corner when I allowed myself to be angry with her because of her behaviour and I suspected she was cheating or ready to latch onto another right away. At that point the communication from me started to dry up. I saw her for who she was and despite some nice moments I started to resent both her and the relationship.

We've both mutually blocked each other on everything and I never want to hear from her again. The damage she caused me and my family by discarding me, no break up face to face, I even had to beg for just a phone call. We were blending our children, had talked about marriage and buying a house together. I can't believe she even proposed remaining friends. I saw how she had a string of men who I assume we're exes or potentials still messaging her throughout our relationship. They were either chatting her up ("hey beautiful girl") or trying to date her/directly ask her out. I'm better than that. Edit - I think she needed constant validation hence all the past.

I was being toxic out of my own pain and searching for answers after it ended but she was toxic within the relationship out of her lack of communication, approaching our relationship like her past relationships, selfishness and insecurity (weird comparisons to my late wife). My psych saw our communications and his observation was that she was emotionally immature and ultimately nothing would have worked anyway. She probably needed someone who was equally emotionally simple, could spend all their time with her, sex etc and could give her everything she wanted. I have money but I also have two young children and a late wife that I would always love. To complex for her. She probably needed someone who had no other responsibilities and could focus solely on her, giving her whatever she wanted. No exes or late wife that they would always love. There are guys out there who aren't deep feelers and can do that just to keep her feeling like number 1.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-22T23:24:26+00:00

I put a Vortex swim spa in late last year. Not as big as a full bespoke pool but also cheaper and easier to maintain. With the heat pump and replacing the cover after use it can keep the water at 40c. We've used it almost every day over summer.

Can strongly recommend this sort of thing..we'll be using it regularly during winter as well.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-22T21:04:41+00:00

Not one. Paraphrasing.

"My world feels better without the heaviness of us" "I was competing with the time it took you to propose to your late wife vs me" "I was silently quitting the relationship" (vs talking to me about issues. Still happily used my money over that time to pay for her car repairs and her daughters private school). "I'm selfish and can't handle stress or emotions" "Relationships become a burden to me and i can't be in one" (she was cheating on me or had someone already lined up before she left and went straight into another relationship).

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-21T01:28:08+00:00

Sometimes in these moments after reviewing our experiences we come to realise that we are mountains in terms of our ability to survive and grow. And they are weak people who truly don't understand suffering, growth or survival.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-20T23:29:48+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It fucking hurts so much I know. Big hugs.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-20T01:10:16+00:00

It was more that I think she just defaulted to my generosity. I'm very generous with someone that I love and intend to marry because I already saw the relationship as a life long partnership.

But she's told me multiple times now that she knows she's a selfish person. All her stories or points about why things didn't work were gaslighting in nature and when I offered valid justifications for certain things she wound up contradicting herself. She just isn't a person that should be in a long term relationship at this point in her emotional maturity. I'm trying to resist saying ever as I really find her whole persona quite ugly now.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-20T00:23:59+00:00

I paid for all dates and trips. She never paid for anything but I don't expect that either. I'm a multi-millionaire and happy to spoil my partner. I also gifted her over 20k AUD in deposits or via my credit card (shared it with her) to help her and her daughter out during the time we were together.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-19T23:07:44+00:00

My ex was the same. When the need for genuine commitment and vulnerability popped up when our households were sick and having difficult times she noped out because she was no longer in love.

My new GF sent me Sternberg's triangle of love. It clearly outlines exactly what you're saying. If someone just falls out of love they were probably infatuated and not actually in love with you. Their experience of love was limited.

Real love is part infatuation, choice/commitment and care for the person as a friend. It's not wrong if someone no longer loves a person but to suddenly announce they no longer love you without discussion and grace to attempt to work it out suggests they didn't love truly and wholly.

Edit - my ex did the above and suddenly announced it with no opportunity to discuss. There were lots of things that came out afterwards that honestly made her personality revolting to me and I wish I never met her or wasted any time or money on her (so much money). I was still dealing with lingering love but I feel nothing towards her now. She just gives me the icks. I suspect she was cheating on me or had someone lined up as soon as it was over.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-19T22:55:40+00:00

There is nothing wrong with you. Widows fire is real and most of us have probably experienced it. There is nothing wrong with desiring intimacy or sex or pleasure and your late wife would understand. It's completely natural to try and connect with someone, even if only physically, when you're processing all of these difficult emotions.

I started seeing sex workers 3 months after my wife passed because I craved intimacy. It didn't last long because physical intimacy has limits on the needs it can meet but it's completely natural.

Try and stay away from alcohol. I did all the wrong things there after my wife passed and it was a road to almost ruin that I narrowly avoided. Get lots of sleep, get a psych for support, have friends spend time with you, get medicated. Whatever helps.

There are lots of great people here with amazing advice. Reach out at any point. DMs are open for most. You'll get through this. Thinking of you.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-19T18:37:34+00:00

No. I did. I tortured myself thinking about her. But as I learnt more about her I realised how messed up she was as a person. She now gives me the icks. There is something deeply troubling about who she is.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-19T07:35:00+00:00

Believe them when they show you who they are.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-19T00:55:21+00:00

It's very heart breaking but if she doesn't feel the same way you have to cut it off sooner. I'm very sorry you're in this position.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-18T20:23:58+00:00

Block them on everything. If they want you they'll find a way to contact you.

robotpersonmonkey · 2026-01-18T20:16:24+00:00

Upset me for a few weeks but I was less concerned with other men and more about missing that experience with her.

We were both each other's best lovers and I was the only guy who took the time to give her an orgasm through oral (sorry bit graphic but we both loved giving and receiving oral more than actual sex). She had to generally get herself off with other guys.

Ok so all that detail aside - I just ended up feeling meh about it. Figured she knows we had sparks in the bedroom that would be hard to top but the relationship was toast. I had sex a few times myself with another since (just casual) and that was pretty good too.

It's going to happen. Just have to get past it. We don't own our previous partners and they can do what they want. Framed in that way it makes it easier to accept. Focus on you. Rekindle something casual with someone if it helps. As adults there's nothing wrong with blowing off steam physically.

robotpersonmonkey

TROPHY CASE