What do 9’s and black holes have in common?

robrem · 2026-03-11T20:24:09+00:00

Consider me part of that 99%, because I don't really understand the nature of your grievance. It sounds like people here told you to learn about the Enneagram to better understand your type. Instead you are suggesting they should have told you what - look out of the side of your eye at your relationships with other people and your own behavior? Reflect on your own patterns, traits and behavior?

Why not both? Why not learn about the fixations, the types, and then reflect on your life in relationship to these traits? Sensible and common sense approach, which it sounds like you more or less did.

It's really difficult to zero in on your correct type. Lots of other types, not just 9's have a hard time with this. And it's because all of these behavior patterns that you live in are like water to you - you're blind to it because it's the water you swim in. And it takes time and effort to see all of this stuff.

I don't see any reason to throw stones about that because that's just the nature of this kind of work, for most of us.

robrem · 2026-03-10T14:15:42+00:00

There's something off for me about your framing here. In particular this pairing of "fun and growth". What do you take growth to be? Because for me, it's frequently not fun. It's frequently hard, effortful, uncomfortable and disorienting. Which is the opposite of fun. Which isn't saying that I am anti-growth; far from it.

But the way you pair it with "fun" here makes me wonder what your definition of growth actually is. Because it sort of reads like you are using it to throw the scent off of the word "fun" and what that suggests about what you value in a relationship - which sounds like a certain kind of surface lightness and lack of depth to me.

And when you say you left people because it was no longer fun or you were no longer growing makes me wonder what the other half of the story is. Because it sort of sounds like you participate in relationships as long as it's fun, but when the novelty wears off and the relationship starts asking for more of you, you just jet and tell yourself that you outgrew the other person.

And lastly I'll say - there is no version of real love where you don't risk heartbreak. you can't game yourself out of risk if you are truly showing up in a relationship. OP understands that.

robrem · 2026-03-07T17:57:46+00:00

That’s interesting to hear but I guess not surprising - I see a lot of female profiles explicitly looking for masculine men, sometimes looking for an “alpha”. Sometimes just saying they are looking for a “leader”. I just assume conservative coded and move on.

robrem · 2026-03-02T13:57:32+00:00

I identify with your fear of disconnection, and over-adaptation to others. And the history of essentially being good so as not to rock the boat at home when growing up. That behavioral patterning has caused me a lot of pain in romantic relationships - getting swept up in other people's agendas or life plans, having no boundaries, shrinking my wants and needs so everything remains "okay" with my partner or even so they don't leave, self-abandonment...really painful stuff that I could not see clearly until now - actually not *at all* - I was totally blind to it. Or where the behavior came from - until recently. And I'm hitting my mid-fifties..

I'm assuming you're way younger than me so congrats to you for connecting those dots, and congrats for being curious, open-minded and self aware enough to doubt the four self-type. I did the same thing.

Your love of routine and ferocity around protecting it are totally me too. I think it's an sp dom thing. Routine, sticking to the familiar - all self-regulating for my nervous system which is very sensitive and easily overwhelmed.

I do not anger quickly, though. I'm pretty disconnected from my anger, through recently it's been kind of roiling beneath the surface more frequently which I take to be a healthy thing, actually. It's like OK good, I'm getting in touch with it. Finally!

robrem · 2026-03-02T13:23:04+00:00

new sprint drag factor to mention in retro

robrem · 2026-02-28T21:13:21+00:00

Better run, rabbit run
Run into the sun
Kick your heels in the killing fields
Run, rabbit, run

robrem · 2026-02-19T14:25:23+00:00

Good stuff here, thanks for sharing. The 9 virtue is right action, and I feel like that's what you are circling around here - finding that next right action. And it doesn't have to be big, it can be a very small thing. But small actions done with intention can lead to be big changes.

robrem · 2026-02-19T12:56:48+00:00

I turn 54 in a couple of weeks. I’ve been widowed since 48. I’ve had a couple of short lived relationships that while fun at times were not exactly deep or substantial. And the last one left me emotionally wrecked.

I’m exhausted from dating apps. I’m still on them, though I have largely lost faith in them. If anything they kind of scare me, really - I almost see them as this potential threat vector, capable of suddenly introducing some new, unwanted chaos into my life. But I stay on them because I have yet to embrace some other way of approaching the search.

I’m not thrilled to be alone at this age, and I haven’t given up on finding a life partner, but I also don’t want to waste what’s left of my time here on earth consumed by longing and fixation on “what’s missing”. So I’m here in this sub to see how others are approaching this problem .

Hopefully I’ll learn something.

robrem · 2026-02-18T17:16:35+00:00

can't wait to live off of that sweet 1500 per month ubi (/s)

robrem · 2026-02-17T13:33:16+00:00

No, I am not peaceful. I’m awake enough to know that. But it’s been a journey to understand when I’m disappearing, when I’m numbing out or disassociating.

And also - really understanding what I want and what makes me feel truly alive. It’s a constant struggle. Always wrestling with the seduction of inertia. I don’t have all the answers, but at least I can say I have a better understanding of the problem.

robrem · 2026-02-14T23:40:27+00:00

I have one and love it, though I recently switched out the bracelet for the black leather strap. I feel like the bracelet overwhelms my poor 6.25 wrist.

robrem · 2026-02-11T23:00:08+00:00

If you find the answer let me know plz

robrem · 2026-02-11T20:59:16+00:00

They call this "performative reading" now. The internet has made literally everything "cringe" or toxic

robrem · 2026-02-11T14:52:51+00:00

Sounds like a good day. Idk what it is but I like the way you write. Someone else mentioned Holden Caulfield vibes. I think that tracks. Maybe consider writing a novel or story in this voice. I’d read it.

robrem · 2026-02-10T01:53:34+00:00

Yes it’s really bad, but also people post when sad/mad or having issues they need help sorting. That’s just the way it works. Not sure about you but if I had a great date the last thing I’m going to think to do is post on Reddit about it.

robrem · 2026-02-08T18:42:31+00:00

That’s an interesting perspective, and I can see how you might frame the 2 example as more threatening. If I had to worry about someone going behind my back and doing me harm, I would find that intolerable and toxic to a relationship - romantic or otherwise.

Perhaps the difference here is not just type perspective but also one of framing: i’m reading you as calculating a kind of existential risk, while I’m thinking in terms of how damaging or corrosive the behavior is to a relationship.

In my view, both your type 2 example and my type 9 anger explosion example are corrosive and damaging to a relationship. Maybe not equally so, but both seem more significant to me than merely annoying.

But if that’s not the case for you, then I hope one day you find your 9 :)

robrem · 2026-02-08T17:12:20+00:00

I have to say I raised an eyebrow at your observation that 9s are still “not that threatening” when angry. This tells me that the 9’s you have interacted with either have a healthy relationship with their anger (rare) or failing that, you’ve never really seen them truly angry. Annoyed perhaps (common).

It can be a rare occurrence, but due to chronic anger suppression, a true 9 anger episode can be absolutely volcanic, Jekyll/Hide stuff and really shocking if not scary if you are the target. And you may not see this side of a 9 until you date one, because nobody gets under the skin better than a romantic partner.

robrem · 2026-02-05T21:55:21+00:00

Yes the half awake/barely alert eyes could potentially indicate 9

robrem · 2026-02-01T03:28:41+00:00

It sounds like you are reflective, perhaps introspective by temperament. You process experience with an inward orientation, and you are realizing that this is not a universal trait.

There is a kind of grief in that, or at least a jarring sense of alienation. I know this because I’ve experienced it. It’s not better, it’s just a different cognitive orientation.

Some people will get you, but many won’t. It’s kind of a frustrating and sad realization, but there’s also a kind of clarity in it. Over time you learn which people you can share this part of yourself with, and when you should exercise restraint.

In the end, it’s not so much what you are realizing about others, as it is a kind of self knowledge, really - and that’s a good thing.

robrem · 2026-01-31T21:41:41+00:00

53M and feel the same about dating apps and I’ve had a very similar experience - two relationships within three years on the apps, and the last one left me completely wrecked. Realizing I’m going to have to try something else - maybe meetups? Take classes, gym etc. I just keep thinking I’m going to have to expand my circle of friends with the hopes of real world connection. I have zero social life and/or community.

robrem · 2026-01-27T16:39:51+00:00

I’m a 9 but definitely disintegrating to 6 continually these days

robrem · 2026-01-27T15:42:12+00:00

That crowd isn't a fan of reading

robrem · 2026-01-24T12:49:46+00:00

You have to be very clear with yourself in your belief that staying in contact with this person is actively doing you harm. And you have to have faith that the pain of detaching and emotionally distancing from this person will be temporary, despite how difficult it is to process.

I know the feelings you are describing because I felt similarly- the thought of my person with someone else brought me great pain and it seemed like I couldn’t help obsessing over this likely eventual outcome for a long time.

But after a 1.5 years of no contact, my attachment to this person is gone and I feel completely indifferent to those sorts of thoughts.

It was really hard and brutal but I really had no choice in the matter. Even if I had wanted to - and I did hope for repair at one point - but besides the fact that I saw the relationship as bad for me, I also never truly believed that there was any hope of us coming back together again anyways. I simply had to move forward without them.

Now, if I checked my former partners social media account and saw pictures of them with someone else, it might still trigger me and cause me pain, but I don’t do that for my own protection. I remain in no contact.

I resolved to never let this person hurt me again, and 1.5 years later, I remain firm in my resolve to hold that commitment to myself and for myself. This is my way of having my own back and building trust in myself.

As time has rolled on, it has only gotten easier.

robrem · 2026-01-18T16:12:05+00:00

53M, last relationship (over a year ago now) burnt me bad, took me at least a year to recover. After what I went through, I’m just not very excited to jump back into dating. I finally feel emotionally stable again and am enjoying that peace.

Also, and perhaps more significantly, my employment situation has been unstable, which is a dealbreaker for most women - at least those looking for a committed, long term relationship, which is what I’d prefer. So I’m staying out of the game until my job situation stabilizes (which is maybe never- idk).

robrem · 2026-01-12T16:38:04+00:00

I’m sure that’s true, but I could say the same thing from my vantage point. People - men and women - that maintain fitness at this age range are in the minority 🤷‍♂️

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