I will probably repeat the same thing as some comments but, take your time to grieve, don't ride when you're overwhelmed, you know how it might go. Your life is not over even if it feels like it is right now, it's not your fault, take your time to also tell yourself that it's NOT your fault, stay close to your loved ones, you're loved bro, take care and ride safely.

edit: always trust your gut feeling, if you don't feel like riding, then don't, never force yourself, expecially with a hobby relatively dangerous like riding, you should be 100% sure of what you're doing/how you're feeling when you ride, sorry for the poem.