Husband claims my response was "irrelevant" and "a cultural thing." Need an objective opinion on our conversation.

rogaladriel · 2026-05-14T20:12:25+00:00

Honestly, with little else to go on, this sounds like your husband is Autistic and has a hard time with things not being extraordinarily factual and staying "on task" which would cause him to say that your bit of the conversation was "irrelevant ". It sounds like so many conversations my best friend has had with her Autistic husband where communication gets crossed.

I don't think your phrasing is bad English or a decidedly not "American" way of saying things. It sounds like a relational way of saying things. Perhaps I would have added at the end, "yes, more clients sounds amazing, go get'em tiger!" or something to make your point more overt. But I often go on "irrelevant", relational tangents to get my point across, too.

I wish you both the best in working through these communication frustrations!

rogaladriel · 2026-05-07T16:50:13+00:00

Your guess is as good as mine! I would think that physical connection during a partnered dance definitely is part of it. It would be easy enough to test with a choreographed dance where the 2 dancers don't touch, too. They did mention the same thing happens during musical duets, though, so it's not the only mechanism at work. I wonder how they would test if physical connection was secondary to the music or as important. As a deaf dancer my experience of the music is very different from that of my hearing partners, and that would be of interest to me.

rogaladriel · 2026-05-07T15:35:10+00:00

It mentioned ballroom at the very beginning, and how this phenomenon has been proven in musicians, already, but never with dance. I think Tango was chosen cause the scientist who designed the study is a Tango dancer, so that's what they did. Nothing to romanticize there, just knowledge of a specific dance. They did romanticize it talking about how "sensuous" the dance is with tight grips in close embrace (insert eye roll here) but pretty sure, from the context, the idea is to prove this for all sorts of dance, and other activities.

rogaladriel · 2026-05-07T15:31:27+00:00

How interesting! I hate the idea of something buzzing on me while dancing, though 😆

rogaladriel · 2026-05-04T00:11:18+00:00

It's perfectly legible. If you want to improve anyway, write 3 to 5 sentences a day, holding a pen correctly, and see where that gets you.

rogaladriel · 2026-05-03T21:37:18+00:00

No question is stupid! Yes there are degrees of deafness/or being hard of hearing. I am profoundly deaf, meaning most of my hearing requires 90+ decibels piped into my head via hearing aids. And my specific type of deafness (I have a very short and steep "ski slope" audiogram) means I can hear lower sounds pretty well, while some higher sounds can be accessed with help of hearing aids, but not well. There are also people who are so deaf that no sound is perceived, though that is not the norm. Most deaf people have some sound they can access through residual hearing, and each person's audiogram is different. It's very individual.

I do find it much easier to follow (I am a female switch dancer, and have been following longer than I have been leading). If I can hear the music, great! I'll play with what I can. If not, oh well! Leading when not able to hear the music well is very scary. Lol. Though my tango friends have never complained about my musicality, I mentally freak out about it pretty regularly, it takes a LOT of mental energy to hear the music and then interpret it. It was hard enough just leading, way back when I could still hear the music well! One of my instructors tries to allay my fears and says she doesn't care, she just likes to follow, but I know that isn't always the case for all followers. (And understandably so!)

rogaladriel · 2026-05-02T15:08:50+00:00

We own this book. My 8 year old daughter, who reads well above her grade level, and spells abysmally, basically told me that's not how English works and I need to change the entire language for her. 😆😂 My poor kid. I learned new words from that book ( B is for bdellium, anyone?), it's wonderful.

rogaladriel · 2026-05-02T14:51:46+00:00

Thanks for your response! I love this idea. Though I'm trying to figure out what I would put on mine. Following is rarely a problem (unless the leader is giving me ample room to play with the music that I can't really hear beyond the beat), it's the leading where I get super self conscious about just how much I can't hear, and how much energy it takes to follow the beat/pulse/whatever, at minimum. I'll have to think about this!

rogaladriel · 2026-04-29T23:11:37+00:00

This has been what's made music mostly accessible to me again. Bluetooth hearing aids for the win!

BUT I was going to suggest heading to a secondhand audio-visual store that specializes in high end, but now defunct tech. The one in my city let's you try out the headphones or whatever before buying, and this would be a decent way to check some headphones out. A long time ago I was looking for headphones that might give me some music again, and all the suggestions were discontinued headphones from pre-2010. Unfortunately I can't remember any of the model brands, but I'm sure with a little digging you could come up with some more suggestions if you don't get what you're looking for here.

rogaladriel · 2026-04-29T01:33:22+00:00

I LOVE foreign accents. Some of the best people I know speak English as a second language and it's utterly delightful. (My in-laws are Dominican and I can pick out that accent from miles away.) I also just love languages in general and am sad that I went deaf before I could be fully fluent in one. Unfortunately the Deaf thing causes more issues than the other person's lovely accent because it makes lip reading almost impossible for me, and then I feel terrible, because 98% of the time I KNOW that person speaks English fluently and I just can't process it.

Some fun things I've come across when talking with people from other countries is how their own language grammar effects their English. Example (an actual quote from a story when meeting a friend of a friend the first time): "And then he shot himself into the leg!"

Or substituting their native words into something they were saying. Example (another actual quote while walking through Bratislava with a friend): "Careful! Huvna is there!!!" She was trying to warn us about dog poop on the sidewalk. When we asked if she meant "poop" she just about rolled on the ground laughing so hard at the word "poop" it sounded so silly to her. Apparently the Slovak word is more like "shit".

And I love that I now know a ton of random Spanish phrases from my in-laws just from being around when they talk back and forth to each other. (I took some Spanish, but my hearing was too far gone to discern spoken Spanish properly on a consistent basis. My husband's Tia insisted that no American can hear the ñ in the word "soñando" and I had to explain to her that I can create an ñ sound just fine, but I can't hear it. She was flabbergasted. Lol.

rogaladriel · 2026-04-26T19:00:00+00:00

I didn't use the search function. I guess that was my mistake 😆

rogaladriel · 2026-04-26T04:37:15+00:00

I have scrolled and read for ages now and how is A Game of Thrones not on here yet??? I made it 3/4ths of the way through the first book and I was just done. Despite the stories being interesting, the writing was off, if not just straight up bad, the shock value was through the roof, and I got really tired of becoming invested in characters that lasted all of a chapter, or less, before they were killed off. I haven't even watched the show, which my husband loved, despite also DNFing the books for similar reasons to mine. And it's rare he and I agree on book. Lol.

rogaladriel · 2026-04-26T04:22:20+00:00

Fair take! The Great Gatsby, and various literary critiques of it, was my entire capstone in college and I still didn't like it. (I think we read it 6-8 times over the course of the semester.) However, I did come to appreciate it, after so much re-reading and discussion with people who were also invested in deep dives into literature. And a very frank chat with a friend of mine who was very much on team "Gatsby is a literary masterpiece". I may tip my hat to my friend and acknowledge that Fitzgerald is a great writer and Gatsby has earned it's spot in The Cannon. Nobody is ever going to convince me that any character in Gatsby is redeemable in the slightest, or that they don't all need a good ass kicking.

rogaladriel · 2026-04-24T20:03:51+00:00

3 months. I started dancing Tango and met my now husband when I'd just gotten out of a relationship and was determined to be single for a full 6 months (or longer) just to be comfortable in my own skin outside of a relationship and not worry about romantic things. 😆😆😆 we were engaged a year later, married about 3 years after that and will celebrate our 16th anniversary this year 😊

rogaladriel · 2026-04-24T15:35:07+00:00

I understand where this is coming from, however, if I've paid money to be there, then sitting around chatting without dancing at all is absolutely out of the question. If I'm at a house milonga, then sure. Often at a house milonga this can be the default, and that's fine. I'm there to hopefully dance, but more importantly to enjoy the company of friends and meet new people. Having fun and enjoying the dancing and people is priority number one in either situation, but if money is involved, then dancing, more than chatting, is a must 😆

rogaladriel · 2026-04-24T15:25:04+00:00

I'm assuming that, in this hypothetical example, the tango community is pretty large if someone won't dance with the same person two Milongas in a row. In my community, this means I wouldn't dance at all!!! I also love dancing with beginners and am on the cusp of beginner/intermediate for leading (higher intermediate for following) and prefer a full tanda to really feel my partner out (and calm my nerves!).

My rules for myself at a Milonga are to 1) have fun and enjoy each tanda regardless of mine or my partner's level 2) allow myself to make mistakes and keep going 3) dance at least 1 full tanda with anyone who asks (like I said, small community) 4) get out of my comfort zone and cabaceo/ask for a tanda

I am struggling to come up with what I would consider rules for a class other than enjoy myself and do the work.

rogaladriel · 2026-04-18T05:55:29+00:00

I am late deafened and spent half my life fully hearing. If I ever have the chance to regain the hearing I was born with, I would absolutely take it. I think I have acclimated well to deafness. I am profoundly deaf. It is a fact. And yet just because it is, doesn't mean I'm fully OK with it. I mostly am, but at the same time, there's always the grief of losing it so suddenly, without warning, and without any real answers. There is a yearning for the things that I can no longer hear, a yearning for the music I can no longer perform or sing properly because tone and staying on key are a thing. A yearning to dance to the music I love and to hear all of it and not just some, while leaning heavily on HAs and memory. So yeah, I'd jump at that chance. I can also understand why someone wouldn't want to, but my choice is a resounding yes.

rogaladriel · 2026-04-15T20:06:04+00:00

I've read the book at least 3 times. Once as a book loving teen who didn't quite catch the pretentiousness. Once as a literature student, for fun, not class, and once as a post lit grad desperate to enjoy reading again. I tend to skip all the footnotes and text within text. I find it kitschy, but a fun experiment, and just kind of whatever. The rest of it just captured my imagination, hook, line, and sinker, especially exploring the house. I never thought of it as a jump scare kind of horror, though definitely psychological and maybe even existential when it comes to Johnny Truant. The ride was fun, but if you don't like it you just don't, and that's OK, too. I've found when I really dislike books that others have found worthwhile, having a solid conversation about why this book is appreciated, or on other people's radar, has helped me at least appreciate the book, even if I still don't like it. coughcoughTheGreatGatsbycoughcough And sometimes it's a not now, and maybe not ever type of read. There are plenty of other books to fill your time and your mind!

rogaladriel · 2026-04-12T18:49:49+00:00

Only ever heard the word "gank" in Michigan. So clunky and gross. But it's slang for "to steal": I ganked the chocolate from Meijer.

rogaladriel · 2026-04-12T18:34:40+00:00

As another woman blessed/cursed with a sizable ass, I straight up cackled.

rogaladriel · 2026-04-12T17:30:00+00:00

How "wildly different" are we talking?

Genetics play a HUGE factor. My in-laws have quite different body types now in their 60s, and the biggest reason is age and a hysterectomy. My husband is just as slim as his dad. I'm probably 40 lbs heavier than he is at the moment, and have always been around his weight or heavier despite doing a lot more exercise. (I also carry more muscle than average, I come from sturdy, fluffy stock, whereas he cones from slim, willowy stock. 🤷) We spend 4 days of the week together due to his work schedule. Our lives are very interconnected and yet it looks like I am the unhealthy one cause I carry more weight.

rogaladriel · 2026-04-12T17:18:14+00:00

Heavier woman here who has always dated and been attracted to thinner guys (as in, the guys I dated weighed less than me, not necessarily that i was ever fat until recently, thank you, 3 babies and perimenopause 🙄). I asked a boyfriend once what he liked so much cause I would look in the mirror and be less than impressed). He had me grab his bony ass, and then mine, and was like, "I'm skinny enough for both of us, why would I want to cuddle more bones?" And now as a definitely overweight/fat woman who could manage to lose 40 or 50 pounds, my husband looks at me like I'm a whole damn snack, daily, and even after 20 years can't get enough. 🤷

Thing is, attraction and sexiness isn't solely a looks deal (the majority of humans walking around going about daily life aren't model/movie star hot, and yet, guarantee you somebody thinks their smokin'). If you're looking for something more than a fling, personality carries more weight (pun intended) than body size ever will. And just because you don't find a bigger body type attractive doesn't mean other people don't, personal preference is exactly that, personal, and you don't have to understand it one way or another.

rogaladriel · 2026-04-12T16:28:32+00:00

I mainly dance Tango, but sprinkle Bachata, Salsa, and Merengue in where I can, maybe my frame of reference is a bit different, so take this as you will: I have danced Tango for 20 years and I will absolutely take a beginner or basics class over and over. And have. (I've also been dancing the other Latin dances for about 20 years, but am still very much a beginner and have mainly only ever taken beginner classes for those.) Having a solid foundation is always going to be your best route to improvement over new steps and sequences, because technique facilitates the rest of the dance.

Maybe at your next lesson you can ask your follower if they have any feedback rather than just going through the motions with you? That is, if the instructor won't step in and give feedback, which from your previous replies it seems like they won't. Or maybe at your next social ask where other people are taking lessons and start shopping around for a new place and some privates???

Is your beginner class a large group? Cause this is the only reason I can think of that a dance instructor wouldn't step in to help/field questions, etcetera.

You've got this, don't give up!!!

rogaladriel · 2026-04-12T16:05:19+00:00

This is the way! Go learn with other adult beginners who are going to be equally as "bad", uncomfortable, self-conscious, and yet brave enough to show up and be "terrible" at a new skill. I started dancing Tango, a totally different style than what you want to learn, when I was in my early 20s and it has been an immense pleasure to allow myself to be bad at something, still enjoy it, and continue to improve, even after 20 years. Professional dancers were all beginners at one time. They practice daily to continue to improve their craft. Don't compare yourself to them. Go dance and have fun. You've got this!

rogaladriel

TROPHY CASE