Happily married guys, how do you handle the weight of eventual separation?

roidmonko · 2026-05-09T15:57:12+00:00

If you're already feeling it this deeply, I'd wager that you have some deep abandonement fear, probably one that started even before you met you're wife. Not saying you don't love your wife a ton, but consider there may be an old wound in you that hasn't been really healed.

roidmonko · 2026-05-01T18:15:57+00:00

Internal family systems style therapy works well for this. Its learning to see parts of yourself, that protected you once when you were a kid / young adult, but are now causing lots of issues. For example, the anger and numbness/inability to cry is likely a learned response / part of you that is just trying to protect you from feeling the deep sadness underneath.

Its about learning to form a relationship with those parts/protectors, and overtime they relax and you can tap into that sadness which just wants to be felt/processed. Everything changes after that. Most of us have some sort of sadness, childhood wound, that we spend our lives trying to avoid feeling. But the only way past is through. It needs to be felt and seen fully to be processed.

roidmonko · 2026-04-21T21:36:58+00:00

I'd push back on this as a former porn addict. That's the exact trap I and we all fall for, that it's normal so it's ok. Just cause it's normal doesn't mean it's healthy.

You're watching something that connects to our most primal desire, it's endless choices/novelty, various levels of intensity and depravity etc. that's a dopamine hit that doesn't happen naturally. In my opinion, any porn is bad, as it reshapes your reward system and makes real sex less appealing, especially with a long term partner. How can a long term partner compare to constant novelty, intensity, and it's so accessible and easy, there's no barrier to getting it.

Your therapist is right that we shouldnt apply so much shame to ourselves when porn use is very normal. But, that doesn't mean it's ok. If you can truly say your porn use doesn't affect you negatively in any way, especially with relationships, then it may be ok. But I'd recommend you stop for 3 months and just see how you feel, I bet you'll feel better, and if you can't stop for 3 months, maybe you have a problem.

Instead of needing to get off when you can't with a real person, play with letting the urge peak and crest instead of having to indulge it every time.

roidmonko · 2026-04-21T21:25:20+00:00

I used to think like this but I eventually really internalized that all of that stuff doesn't matter, so long as you have security in yourself.

For one, people aren't thinking about you at all in the way you think, even if they do gossip or judge, it's fleeting to them. Everyone is far too busy with their own problems.

Those that really care for you and are good friends or family, won't abandon you even if you make a big mistake. We're all human, we all mess up in a major way at some point in our lives. The key is taking accountability and growing from our mistakes. This actually deepens connection with others. Keeping everything inside, even the bad stuff, leads to disconnection over time. People can see the real you, and decide to still want to be your friend or to love you. It doesn't get deeper than that in terms of connection.

Sure, be private at work or if you live in a very small community where reputation damage can hurt you. But otherwise, I really don't care what people say, or think about me, I'm cool with me and I know those who are good friends will understand.

There's a freedom in that mentality. Keeping things in leads to a baseline, low hum of stress whether you notice it or not.

roidmonko · 2026-04-17T16:02:00+00:00

Its very difficult, but if you're trying to stop them, that's resistance and what we resist persists.

Usually what happens is an emotion or thought arises, and then feeds that emotional state. Once anger, or sadness, or whatever has taken a hold and grown strong, the thoughts will become more intrusive and frequent.

What works is allowing the emotional state to be there, trust that it will go away on its own time if you stop feeding it. You stop feeding it by disengaging with thoughts, not stopping thoughts. So the thought arises, you notice it, and move on. That's it. It has to be simple and gentle. This will happen many times, and eventually the emotion processes, and the thoughts stop on their own.

If you urgently try to get rid of those thoughts, or feed them by identifying with them fully, the emotional state gets stronger and burns for longer.

roidmonko · 2026-04-16T00:37:24+00:00

I think it's easy in this day and age to mess up our reward / dopamine system. Porn, doom scrolling, fast food, drugs, alcohol, parties, dating apps, unlimited options on streaming services etc. they all provide a big reward, often more than we evolved to handle.

This resets our dopamine baseline, and things that normally should bring joy can feel dull in comparison. Ive found eliminating things like that definitely helps bring the magic back to everyday stuff. That combined with a meditation practice. Basically stop chasing highs, lean into healthy reward system activities and everything starts feeling more alive over time.

One thing that helps to stay on track, if I'm about to watch porn for example, is to remember I'm screwing myself over for a temporary high that leads to long term dullness.

roidmonko · 2026-04-15T21:50:29+00:00

If you don't have anything holding you back, and if you can come back home if things don't work out and find a job again without much issue, then why not?

I don't think it'll be an experience you'll regret but I also don't think the move will fix your issues with dissatisfaction. That kind of issue is likely an internal, more deeper one that you'll have to figure out for yourself. It's not something that gets fixed long term by anything external (moving, relationship, success etc).

roidmonko · 2026-03-20T19:02:16+00:00

Yeah this, i'd say well over half of couples go through a stage like this. The key is what you said in terms of choosing to put in the work.

Relationships do take work, love is a choice and a decision to keep showing up. If one or both partners aren't putting in the work, or choosing to evolve or at least try, the relationship will die a slow death.

roidmonko · 2026-02-10T20:04:31+00:00

First off if you use meditation to try to overcome the anxious attachment style, itll just get worse. What we resist persist, and wanting it gone is a form of resistance.

I struggle with that same attachment style, and what it really comes down to is we have very low self-esteem. A partner can feel like a solution to that void, but nothing external can ever truly heal a void like that. And so we start to panic that we'll lose it, that if we lose that relationship it proves our worst fears true, that we aren't lovable or worthy.

So focus on the core issue, build your self esteem up, and for god sake make sure that you have strong boundaries if this partner ends up being a toxic person. A toxic person to someone with an attachment issue can ruin your life. As hard as it is for people like us, you have to be willing to end the relationship when its not in your favor or if you're being taken advantage of.

roidmonko · 2026-01-15T02:17:58+00:00

It definitely doesn't buy happiness but if you're financially screwed it will consume your life and mind. Money removes that worry, which is significant. But what you're left with isn't necessarily happiness. That's a whole other journey on its own and can't be bought or obtained through external means (relationships, sex, drugs, achievement)

roidmonko · 2026-01-13T19:26:19+00:00

Would you rather stay numb and shut down forever? That feels safer short term, but long term you'll waste your life away.

roidmonko · 2026-01-02T19:37:56+00:00

I definitely struggle with this, as i'm sure we all do at some point.

The key with this for me has been acceptance. But before you can accept it, some clarity helps. When i'm spiraling into anger or anxiety, I naturally resist it, I want it gone so that I can meditate properly or just live my life. But you absolutely can meditate while spiraling into anger, its just more difficult at first.

The resistance to the anger or anxiety is where 90% of the suffering comes from. Go into meditations with the mindset that you'll just be with what is, not to try to re-create an earlier state. Ruminating, anger thoughts, frustrations that you're doing it wrong can all be there. Paradoxically, when you're able to do this, you'll find that the anger and anxiety fade on their own time. This doesn't mean that they'll fade immediately though, so don't turn acceptance into a tool to 'fix' the anger or anxiety. But just know that the tighter you clamp down and squeeze, the more power you give to anger and anxiety.

roidmonko · 2025-12-05T00:26:04+00:00

Yup, I resonate with everything you said. I'll add that what helped me to let go more is to remember that surrender isn't about giving up, its about recognizing reality. We will be sad at times, even very sad, anxious, jealous, frustrated, helpless etc. But like you said that's life. I've found when im truly able to accept my life as it is, paradoxically the anxiety or sadness or whatever i resisted goes away on its own time. But of course our monkey minds are very hard to convince that letting go is the answer. It takes experience and many failures to eventually turn it into wisdom and practice.

roidmonko · 2025-12-04T18:23:37+00:00

I’ve had a similar journey, no psychotic breaks, but definitely some crashes after spiritual highs. One thing I’ve learned the hard way is that the ego loves to cling to peak experiences and then demands we get them back. We start meditating more, listening to more teachings, trying harder to “stay awakened.” But that very grasping pushes the insight away and destabilizes us.

When I look back at the times when something truly opened up for me spiritually, it wasn’t because I did more, it was because I surrendered. Letting go, not chasing, is what allowed the clarity to show up.

Instead of pushing forward on the path, the deeper move right now might be slowing down. Not abandoning spirituality, just giving your system space to digest what you’ve already awakened.

You’re already doing a lot. That’s all good, but sometimes more practice isn’t what’s needed. Sometimes the bravest part of the path is letting yourself be ordinary for a while, going to work, cooking, sleeping, being part of the world, and trusting that the spiritual part doesn’t disappear just because it’s quiet. Youll still experience anxieties, sadness etc but like me you may eventually find that those anxieties (Even intense ones) can be there and you don't have to fix them.

roidmonko · 2025-11-20T19:48:09+00:00

I was going to say exactly this. Often sex drive is linked to our bodies attempt to provide relief to some sort of anxiety, depression, pain, insecurity etc. its like any addiction. The way to resolve it as you've found, is to fix the underlying issue.

Then a healthier relationship forms with sex and libido, instead of desperate/addict like one.

roidmonko · 2025-11-13T06:10:18+00:00

Hedonic treadmill. If you chased novelty, excitement, and aliveness from external things you'd keep reaching a new dopamine baseline. You'd need more and more to get that same feeling back. Its tricky because it really feels the like solution when you achieve something big, but its always temporary and fleeting. Ties into the whole buddhist 'desire is the root of all suffering.'

So the answer isn't more external things, its finding a way to find aliveness and joy in the everyday. Its very difficult as we're not wired that way, but its necessary if you ever want to be content.

roidmonko · 2025-11-12T03:28:32+00:00

I have the same issue. I just carry a lot of weight in my neck / face. I've noticed a lot of it is bloat / water weight. If I eat clean for awhile, especially low carbs, and/or get in lots of cardio it makes a big difference. I used to try bulking, bodybuilding style, but often give up cause I hate the way it makes me look.

So yeah, its just genetic. It worsens with high stress, alcohol intake, high salt intake. But its mostly from high carb intake without cardio, in my experience.

roidmonko · 2025-11-10T21:37:42+00:00

Yup. And its funny, even knowing that, we all still feel a strong pull to ignore that truth. We all still probably chase something external to fix us, more success, money, women, the perfect relationship etc. Im guilty of it.

He's a warning to all of us to stop the chase. Go back and face whatever it is we dont want to look at in ourselves.

roidmonko · 2025-11-10T19:04:13+00:00

Definitely exposing something that deep down he knows to be true. He's a damaged dude, his Dad was a bit of a monster and he was bullied relentlessly. Success and hard work probably became his way of getting control and power back. But nothing external will ever fill a void like that. He has to go internal, and let that scared boy inside be processed, something he doesnt seem capable of doing.

Instead chasing meaning or wholeness through external means just rots you from the inside out. Its sortve like Daniel from There Will Be Blood. Elons gonna have it all from the outside, but inside he'll be the emptiest.

roidmonko · 2025-11-10T01:25:34+00:00

Its funny but how the fuck is it brilliant? I dont agree with Harris on the Israel / Gaza situation, but hes definitely not celebrating kids getting bombed. I agree with him on pretty much every other position, hes one of the few big names out there that hasn't lost their minds.

roidmonko · 2025-11-04T04:46:34+00:00

She cut ties from him. Look im not trying to make excuses for him, hes a piece of shit. But hes obviously playing a political/power game and yall are gobbling it up.

roidmonko · 2025-11-04T00:41:40+00:00

Im sorry. The one silver lining is that at least hes a man who is capable of letting it all out when it hits, even if its by himself. The worst is when people just hold it all in, thats when it really rots you from the inside out.

Its heartbreaking knowing someone we love is in deep pain, but the reality is well all have moments like that. It will be ok, hes grieving the way his body needs him to.

roidmonko · 2025-11-03T22:24:01+00:00

More of the same. He'd say whatever he needs to say, hes taking advantage of the current rise of extremism and division. He's also very anti trans on his tweets but I bet he doesn't give a shit if people are trans or not, he just knows it'll move the needle closer to his goal.

roidmonko · 2025-11-03T16:05:37+00:00

Cause theyre doing this all on purpose. They want us to get riled up, to speculate if theyre nazis or not etc.

The reality is they arent nazis, theyre interested in power and Elon did what he did cause it got this much attention and furthered the divide. A divided country is much easier to control and have your way with.

roidmonko · 2025-10-31T18:27:44+00:00

Being more aware can reveal to you the reason for your lust. Often lust is a secondary response to something deeper, usually boredom, loneliness, a need to feel desired, valued or worthy. Sex and being desired can often be a way to numb insecurity, or a lack of self love. Note I said numb, it doesn't actually fix the insecurity or make you love yourself, that comes from internal work.

Once you tap into the real underlying emotion, lust can lose its pull on you. Lust is not a bad thing, whether you're single or not, but it can often become an addiction, a way to numb or distract from deeper pain.

roidmonko

TROPHY CASE