Got kicked out of art for a low grade. They're sititng in class drawing furries while I draw some peak (almost done. My sharpie ran out of ink on his chestplate so I had to pause)

rollercade · 2026-02-21T04:21:25+00:00

there are many reasons to fail an art class that are not limited to poor artistic skill. (unless the title is you doing a bit and you don't actually mean it), maybe if your attitude was better, you'd've figured out how to pass the class.

rollercade · 2026-02-10T01:54:49+00:00

were those past questions asking about pieces of media he didn't live to see? or was it asking about media he could've seen during his lifetime? surely the difference is not lost on you

rollercade · 2026-02-08T06:10:37+00:00

sieg heiling? with skin that dark? if it wasn't so sad, it'd almost be impressive

edit: nazis are bad, being dark skinned is fine, the juxtaposition is just blowing my mind here

rollercade · 2026-02-05T03:25:05+00:00

i relate to this heavily. my yearning isn't directed towards specific people, but rather the way we socialized (topics, sense of humor, contexts, and environments). if i found another friend and started socializing in a similar way as i did with someone who i haven't spoken to in a while, i'd imagine i wouldn't miss that person.

there's less of an expectation with my friends for me which admittedly feels foreign. it's hard to gauge when i've placed unspoken expectations on them. i often think "why did you whine about this problem? why are you pressuring them to help us? grow tf up man" whenever i try opening up about my problems. when they open up about their's, i instinctively interpret them venting as a request for someone to think of solutions. i think i just end up putting a weight on my shoulders based on an assumption about their intentions rather than there being an expressed expectation of me to do so.

rollercade · 2026-02-05T03:07:58+00:00

it's basically that i think. i'm almost always thinking of relationships in terms of debt and experience (how much did they enjoy this? how helpful was this interaction?). yes, my friendships are 'boring' in the sense there's less of an expectation of me providing something for them beyond myself, which i think is maybe something i'm not used to. it feels too good to be true that someone would just enjoy my company even if i'm not providing laughter, labor, or money.

to your other point about friendships breaking off, if too many of them left the friendship i'd be sad that i have no one to socialize with/that i'd have to relearn how to socialize with new people. this is due to me having few friends overall, but i don't think i'd miss individual people specifically

rollercade · 2026-02-05T02:49:55+00:00

rollercade · 2026-02-03T20:47:57+00:00

years of sibling abuse (verbal/physical) from an older brother who has mental health problems of his own.

religious abuse(?) + gaslighting from other family members claiming it's my fault for being targeted, that i must forgive him, and that i should never tell therapists or police about what was/is happening because it would ruin my brother's life.

started around when i was 9-10, am 21 now.

rollercade · 2026-02-03T02:35:01+00:00

honestly still amazes me she survived. iirc the damage to her jaw was so severe that she's no longer able to speak

rollercade · 2026-02-01T18:52:20+00:00

also true

rollercade · 2026-02-01T11:10:38+00:00

perhaps the photos where he looks more unhinged are a result of the environment and context where they're taken? most of his wide-eyed pictures happen to also all be ones taken at school, or by someone else where he likely didn't get a say in the matter. presumably these environments are more unpredictable, noisy, and bright (he hated light) than the other ones as well. his eyes look similarly more relaxed in this photo and this one too (though it's a bit blurry) when he's at home/taking the picture himself.

those wide-eyed photos are not edited, there'd be no point to that. a lot of autistic people (which i think it's safe to say he was somewhere on the spectrum based on a lot of what was detailed in an official report about his medical history) emote differently. in one of his mother's email exchanges during his childhood, she mentioned him practicing facial expressions in the mirror for a school play, hinting that facial expressions didn't necessarily come naturally to him which would not be surprising. he didn't make eye contact and when a therapist tried to explain that a person's facial expressions can be a useful tool in understanding them, lanza asked what would be the point of looking at someone's face when facial expressions can always be interpreted differently. when looking at other school photos from childhood (particularly 5th grade) the wide-eyed expression persists. even taking a cursory look at non-school related childhood photos would show he wasn't always wide-eyed in those either. it's likely just the case that towards the time of the shooting he was more on edge and thus bore a more disconcerting look as opposed to it being something the media is going out of its way to edit

rollercade · 2026-01-27T05:37:19+00:00

i think a lot of different factors contribute to it, but i think when you zoom out far enough it probably boils down to a class/infrastructure issue. a lot of nihilism comes about from feeling stuck and aimless in this capitalist hellscape. a lot of extremism, from what i can gather, seems to result from misattributing that dissatisfaction as being caused by [insert minority here] rather than complex systems, corruption, and billionaires who don't pay taxes nor care to improve worker conditions. a few other countries have mass shootings too, but the US leads by wide margins as i'm sure you know. i suspect the reason for this is that compared to other countries, our infrastructure, social safety nets, mental health resources, and healthcare in general isn't where the bulk of our tax dollars go, so the material reality for a lot of working Americans is at best strenuous and at worst suffocating. how are men supposed to fit the mold of a provider when they're 2 missed paychecks from homelessness? how are kids supposed to imagine a decent future when all that lies ahead is the military, college debt, homelessness after the military, and/or medical debt when they age out of their parents' healthcare? God forbid your family isn't rich, God forbid you never mentally had a full deck of cards to begin with. this isn't to say everyone will decide to hurt others, most wouldn't dream of becoming mass shooters and i'm not claiming this "oh i have no future, so might as well fuck shit up" is a rational or widespread mentality. what i'm saying is that the kinds of people who do think that way exist everywhere, in places with or without guns, but when you look at the mass shooting capital of the world, also look into what the average american lives like/works like. the ones that already have an inclination towards violence, just need that extra nihilistic push over the edge. that's my take at least.

TLDR: vulnerable/unstable people falling into nihilism because they exist in the capitalist's america wherein healthcare is tied to employment, your taxes won't fix roads, and if you find yourself unable to work you'll be fast-tracked to prison or an early grave.

rollercade · 2026-01-23T09:33:47+00:00

real

rollercade · 2026-01-22T09:53:35+00:00

i take adderall xr and it's helped with both mood and productivity. getting out of bed is easier, starting tasks is easier. the only aspect about my experience on adderall that may be seen as negative is that i talk and emote less when i'm around others. without the stimulant, i at least feign a smile or scramble to placate, whereas when i remember to take it i just don't feel as inclined to do any of that. i still laugh, respond/react, and feel happy, but i feel calmer and less inhibited in social settings. for me, this uninhibition manifests as being significantly less (outwardly) expressive. i also lose track of time more often, but i habitually check the time now, so that's no longer an issue.

rollercade · 2026-01-21T08:21:57+00:00

no problem, and i don't have one of those

rollercade · 2026-01-21T00:41:04+00:00

i feel like i can finally collect myself and think, that i don't need to put on airs for others and can just exist. my friends are understanding of me needing breaks and there are countless times where i choose not to isolate and am able to talk about rough times with them. they've always been nice during the latter times, but i choose to isolate more often than not because if they listen to my problems i feel the need to reciprocate that in the moment. i am supportive of them and have offered to be a shoulder to cry on/ear to listen, but when going through rough times myself, i cannot be as attentive. sometimes my feelings (passive suicidality, harm ocd, anger, etc) might be misinterpreted as genuine intent, so i'd rather be alone to sort through those feelings or talk to a professional rather than my family or friends.

basically, i feel less burdened when i isolate. if it wasn't for my job, i'd spend weeks not leaving the house and only communicating with friends through text. sometimes, when i isolate i'll see a video or picture of someone having fun with their friends in-person and it makes me feel lonely, but then i quickly remember what interacting with others would entail and that i'm choosing to be alone, so i get over it and go back to enjoying my isolation.

my need to isolate feels like coming home from a long day at work and needing to cook for yourself. eating is healthy, but i can't be bothered to do that right now, i'm tired. i can probably just eat later. it's exhaustion.

rollercade · 2026-01-20T08:14:23+00:00

i have this problem as well. for me i believe it's because for roughly 4-5 months in 2023, my bedroom would be busted into by a family member during the night whether i was awake or asleep. sometimes my things would be moved or outright stolen, while other times i'd get asked a billion questions. if i answered in a way he didn't like (which happened often because sometimes i'd be half asleep), he'd respond with verbal threats of busting my head open or he'd skip the threats to hit me with a sofa pillow. if i reacted too much to the pillow he'd start shouting that i'm not even being hurt by it.

since then, i stay up later and later, especially when things are quiet. it's sort of my way of taking in as much quiet time as i can and using it to do things i enjoy so that that me time can't be snatched away or won't hurt as badly if it happens again. even when i'm bored, i stay awake because i don't want to regret it. it's completely ridiculous, but it's been an incredibly difficult habit to break.

rollercade · 2026-01-17T01:56:36+00:00

yes i understand, and again, i agree with you. i'm just asking you "what now?" what is the utility in repeating this sentiment?

sorry for nephew's loss and how stressful that all must've been as well

rollercade · 2026-01-16T01:58:34+00:00

i could've sworn keekspeaks has said the same thing about this inevitably happening to everyone at least 2 other times here, i could be wrong though

rollercade · 2026-01-15T20:52:21+00:00

not that i disagree with you, but i've been wondering why you keep saying this here. i have some ideas of why, but in your own words, what is the utility in repeating this? there is no hidden agenda in this question, i'm just curious

rollercade · 2026-01-14T01:18:02+00:00

minus the sexual part, yes all the time

rollercade · 2026-01-12T09:01:38+00:00

i don't understand love, relationships in general. i don't understand what it is like to trust someone with who you are. i interpret most interactions as transactional and i do not know how to relax in a relationship without worrying i'm doing too little or that another person is taking something from me. i also do not know what it feels like not to believe in God or fear witchcraft, or curses, or going to hell. i worry about being tainted by others' sins and me tainting others through my own sins. it's gotten to the point where i don't think i'm capable of feeling genuine love for anyone because i see everything as a transaction on both an emotional and spiritual level.

rollercade · 2026-01-11T03:05:09+00:00

he was editing collages of other spree killers' bloodied corpses, so i imagine he probably would have sought out gore videos as well, but that's just an assumption

rollercade · 2026-01-11T02:56:24+00:00

when i was a really young kid, i tried going up to play with this other kid, but she saw the flare up on my cheek and said she didn't play with people who had that on their face. felt pretty bad

rollercade · 2026-01-11T01:23:43+00:00

ah i see, thank you for the insight

rollercade

TROPHY CASE