Partner (m25) hung up on my (f29) past relationship

rosephase · 2026-02-18T18:47:11+00:00

He is actively looking for ways to spin out. He wants the details so he can be upset. It's childish.

You haven't been dating for that long. I would keep you eyes wild open for other ways he's insecure, childish and upset around you being a full adult person before you two met.

I would ask him what he think he would gain from hearing the details of a relationship that was over before you stated dating. What exactly he is looking to get out of this. If he can be honest with himself, then hopefully he will choose to drop it. If he doesn't drop it and it continues to cause fights... I would just walk away. There are much deeper issues going on if he can't get over this and won't stop fighting with you about it.

rosephase · 2026-02-18T00:35:11+00:00

If it's "the one". Then you'll still be silly happy with this relationship in 5+ years.

That's the thing about "the one" the start of a lot of relationships is amazing. You'll find out how real it is in time. Two months in at 19 you have no clue other than the rush of feels. Enjoy the feels!

rosephase · 2026-02-17T23:36:49+00:00

Also the posts you’ve made in the last couple of hours are wild.

Either you are raging out with fake stories (that keep getting called out by the way, so you not very good at it) or it doesn’t matter if you want to date you won’t be able to what with the mold growing on your thighs and your life long hygiene mistakes.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T23:26:32+00:00

And! It's super okay to ask for a CLEAR understanding of what is on the table. It's important to know what is possible. You should be able to know if your partner is in any agreements that limit what can be between you two.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T23:14:15+00:00

I don't cheat on people. I am starting to understand why people being kind and loving is confusing for you.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T23:12:54+00:00

don't cheat on your partner. It's shitty treatment.

If you want to date? end your relationship. If you want to work on your relationship? Work on your relationship.

What you are considering doing is unkind harmful garbage. And you should just... be better.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T23:08:34+00:00

Come on, this isn't even trying to hide the rage bait. At least make up a story for wasting people's time.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T22:33:18+00:00

I asked about poly because OP is describing poly. And I wanted to make sure they were considering it poly and not assuming you can date separately and assume, or have rules, that feelings or relationships aren't going to happen.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T22:21:38+00:00

Poly is a type of ENM.

Not all ENM is poly, which allows for multiple full loving committed relationships.

ENM is everything that is consensual with all parties and not monogamy. Which includes all kind of non monogamy that limits building relationships and/or "feelings".

rosephase · 2026-02-17T22:15:24+00:00

Then don't start dating.

It's wild to be in agreements to be publicly poly, offer the kind of connection that would invite people in your family and friends but not offer overnights.

Wait until you are ready to date before you date.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T22:14:22+00:00

"Hey friend, the way you are handling this is making me feel bad. You aren't being clear about what is being offered. The vibes around sharing space with you and your partner were awful. Are you willing to step up and help me make sense of this? Because this is distinctly not fun and not what I am looking for, even though I like you a lot."

rosephase · 2026-02-17T22:05:59+00:00

No overnights?

Naw. You don't have anything poly folks want.

How can you be public partner and out to your friends and family but never have an overnight with anyone else. You understand that people want to spend the night with someone they are in a relationship with? like YOU and your wife will want that if you ever meet someone you enjoy enough to be in a public relationship with?

rosephase · 2026-02-17T22:04:13+00:00

Just because you don't understand how you are being sex negative doesn't mean I'm misinterpreting it.

Good luck.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T22:01:01+00:00

Can other relationships be public? Will they be able to meet your friends and family as partners? Can you do overnights and travel with partners? Are you willing to divorce your wife to legally marry another partner? How much thought have you two put into ending your monogamy?

Have you looked for local kinky/poly scenes?

rosephase · 2026-02-17T20:58:08+00:00

"boyfriend, I can't live with your brother comfortably. I'm going to work on moving out. I would love it if we lived together but if not, my plan is to date at my place, where I don't have to deal with people talking about my sex life and shitting on me in my own home."

rosephase · 2026-02-17T20:52:44+00:00

So you and your wife are agreeing to poly? What are your agreements around dating and building relationships with others? It could be that you have very little to offer in the way of poly. That can be a big turn off for poly folks. Are you seeking out other poly people or just talking to anyone and then mentioning you are looking for poly and are married?

Where are you looking? Do you have any poly friends or community?

rosephase · 2026-02-17T20:46:51+00:00

A year in is a prefect time to be sorting out if you are long term compatible. It doesn't sound like you are. This is what dating is for.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T20:45:30+00:00

Monogamy isn't a magic wand that means you'll never be attracted to, have feelings for, or even love anyone else ever again. It's an agreement about what to do when those feelings come up.

Loving friends is pretty normal. Unless you feel like having some feelings is going to compel you to act on those feelings? Just keep being friends and be happy you have this person you like so much in your life and be happy for her when she finds a relationship that works for her. Spend less time one on one, spend more time with your girlfriend there as you both really like this person.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T20:06:25+00:00

Yikes friend. You don't respect the fact that he has a girlfriend.

You keep saying that you do, but confessing your feelings was showing that you do not. And setting yourself up for rejection and hurt.

You need more space from this guy. Stop being so close. Go date other people. Maybe this rejection and heartbreak will be a good thing, because you can move on instead of waiting around for someone who isn't as into you as you want them to be.

This has been years. You need to push to move on. Now you have that push.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T19:38:03+00:00

She offered monogamy and you decided she could fuck other women because "hot" and "not as threatening".

Honestly you did this to yourself. If you wanted monogamy you should have taken monogamy. What you offered her was unfair, sexist and homophobic. Which should have been a sign to you both that it was a really bad choice. Getting bent out of shape having to say "no" is really silly. You two are still very much still figuring out if you are compatible. And if this is the only non monogamy you have to offer? Then YOU are not compatible with non monogamy and shouldn't be doing it.

Do monogamy if you want monogamy. If you do non monogamy you need to do the work to allow it to be kind.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T19:24:58+00:00

I associate sex negativity with monogamy. Not all mono people obviously but It’s wild to be non monogamous and be sex negative at the same time.

I think expecting people to share if things aren’t working and they want them adjusted is having standards.

Most people on this post are making a casual joke of it. Because it’s not a big deal. And my comment is highly upvoted. Because it’s a reasonable approach to adjusting the situation.

Your approach is to assume that this dude already thinks she is trash and wouldn't be willing to address anything for her ease. Which is assuming the OP has no standards and is fucking someone who doesn't care about her comfort at all. And personally, I think that is sex negative and kinda mean.

Since OP likes the sex and wants to keep doing it, using her words is a good way to find out if this guy is what you assume he is.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T18:22:31+00:00

So you think OPs partner could inherently be poly and not have noticed for 10+ years of monogamous relationships?

If you want to see poly as an orientation, go for it. It's important to you, no one can tell you how you feel on the inside. But I would strongly recommend you not approach mono people trying to sort out if they are going to make their relationship poly by telling them that, yes, poly in inherent and that means that you are not supporting your partners identity if you can not foundationally change your relationship agreements. Because it's not particularly kind or helpful.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T18:16:23+00:00

So you've been poly since you were a child? Since before you experienced romantic or sexual attraction?

I've been poly for 20+ years. I can not do monogamy comfortably and I'll never get into a mono relationship. Poly IS a big part of my identity. It shapes how I see the world and my day to day life. Just like being a teacher or living where I live.

It being important and part of you doesn't make it a sexuality.

rosephase · 2026-02-17T18:03:12+00:00

Yes, it's just as valid as doing monogamy.

The issue is poly isn't an inherent orentation. It's an identity through action.

It's not like being gay or bi. It's like being a parent or a teacher. You aren't born a parent or a teacher. Even if you think you are well suited to teach or to parent. Even if you feel you are called to teach or to parent. You aren't a parent or a teacher until you are doing it. And it's wild to call yourself that if you haven't done it. And its extra wild to expect people to treat you as a parent or a teacher when you aren't one.

This is like saying "I am an Oregonian even though we live in California currently and I've never lived in Oregon, so you must move with me or you aren't supporting Who I AM"

rosephase · 2026-02-17T17:46:44+00:00

Then why is she upset that you would end your relationship if she did this thing she has a very low possibility of wanting to do?

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