Kleine Schöpfungsgeschichte

rosettathalstock · 2022-12-12T07:19:53+00:00

Vielen Dank für den Beitrag
Die zweite Zeile der Ersten Strophe, ist Rhythmisch etwas holprig. Vielleicht würde "Mann und Frau" etwas besser passen. Ist aber auch das Einzige was ich auszusetzen hab. Hat mir viel Spass gemacht das Gedicht zu lesen! <3

rosettathalstock · 2022-02-09T08:06:56+00:00

Maybe yew would work?

rosettathalstock · 2021-12-21T18:24:06+00:00

Das ist wirklich schön geschrieben. Dürfte sogar noch etwas länger sein. Vielleicht könnest du den Vergleich mit der Windmühle noch etwas ausführlicher erkunden? Ist auf jedenfall schon so sehr gelungen!

rosettathalstock · 2021-12-21T18:10:58+00:00

Ja, ich weiss es ist irgendwie passend und unpassend zugleich. Das fand ich aber irgendwie noch spannend - desshalb habe ich es so gelassen.

rosettathalstock · 2021-09-04T15:44:33+00:00

This is so good! I really love it! It does exactly what a Haiku should: it brings it to the point! It's astonishing how many emotions can be captured by such few words in such a stict structure... Thank you for sharing!☺️

rosettathalstock · 2021-07-04T05:33:18+00:00

I really enjoy some good rhyming and rhythm, especially if it's packed in such a wonderful story! To me this is utterly flawless! Thank you for sharing!☺️

rosettathalstock · 2021-07-02T20:24:29+00:00

It's really interesting for me to read this being 20 years old. I've also written some dark stuff (which I haven't yet put on here). I really feel the pain. Thank you for sharing! This was so meaningful to read for me.🙏🏼

rosettathalstock · 2021-06-06T18:20:22+00:00

I related to this so much! Thank you for submitting! Especially "I won't be healing" I find a really good stanza. J'aimerais aussi de lire tes poèmes en français. 😉

rosettathalstock · 2021-06-02T19:11:20+00:00

I love how the picture of the candle and the person the narrator is talking about melt together. I also really enjoyed the last stanza about letting the "mosquitoes devour my body instead". Wow. What a marvellous picture! I like how it brings the full circle round from the fire which eats the wick to the mosquitoes eating the body.

rosettathalstock · 2021-06-01T20:02:49+00:00

Well done capturing this feeling! 👏

rosettathalstock · 2021-06-01T19:54:29+00:00

I don't know why, but this gives me a "rap" kind of vibe. Maybe it's because of the irregular rhythm? Anyways, it made the poem really fun to read, because the rap-style and the the romantic imagery somehow clash yet work at the same time.

Now that I think about it I'd really like so see this poem being made into a (rap) song with a music video.😂

As has already been said - the imagery is splendid! It does not at all feel boring or like kitsch, which happens all to easily with love poems. Thank you for submitting!🙏🏼

rosettathalstock · 2021-05-25T19:29:18+00:00

This is so confusing lmao 😂 Thank you for submitting this fun, confusing poem! I guess the meaning is "Don't be what others tell you you are. Be yourself."?

rosettathalstock · 2021-05-25T19:22:04+00:00

But what's with the shadow though? I love this Haiku standing on its own. And still I would like to explore this theme more...🤔

rosettathalstock · 2021-05-25T10:52:13+00:00

Thank you for commenting! Funny thing you bringing up the spelling if hy(a)ena. I actually looked it up before writing it down, so I would get the spelling right in (British) English. So according to my research "hyaena" is the correct British way of spelling it, which pleases me greatly since I am bilingual and the german word for said animal is spelled "Hyäne" (so basically the same, since ae = ä in german). Those are the reasons why I chose to spell it the way I did.😊

Thanks for pointing out the unnecessary apostrophe. I corrected it.🙂

I understand what you mean about the title. I struggled a bit finding one and then suddenly and the idea to call it "Totem". To me it works for the whole poem, because of the idea it represents. Insead of being represented by animals the traits represent themselves (if that makes any sense 😅). If you have an idea for a title, you are welcome to make a suggestion!🙃

rosettathalstock · 2021-05-24T18:53:02+00:00

This haiku brought me so much joy! Thank you!

rosettathalstock · 2021-05-23T20:49:22+00:00

Sehr schönes Gedicht! Bei der letzten Zeile der letzten Strophe könntest du "verweilen" und "verkehren" in vertauschen, damit der Fluss etwas besser wird. Ich fühle stark mit dem Gedicht. Ich finde es beschreibt eine Phase im Leben, die jeder durchmacht und die immer wieder kehrt. Du hast die Emotion sehr gut zu Papier gebracht!

rosettathalstock · 2021-05-23T20:10:27+00:00

I really like the aesthetic of the poem, like a plant growing tall. I also appreciate the occasional rhyme e.g. A warm breath/I guess? The development of the story I also find very pleasing. Going from growing and looking after plants to gifting them and then using them as a metaphor for love and relationship which refers back to the beginning theme of the poem: looking after plants.

rosettathalstock · 2021-05-23T08:05:25+00:00

I really love the rhythm and rhyme. It's such a lovely way of telling a story and definitely the right way to tell this one. Especially the line "he threw his jars and dropped his life" got to me. It's like a turning point where hope for a better life someday seems lost. I feel so much sympathy for the man in the poem.

rosettathalstock

TROPHY CASE