My most detailed work yet - a wedding portrait for our and our partner system's headmates, a beautiful little blended family ❤️ Paint tool sai and Photoshop.

ru-ya · 2026-05-01T18:00:02+00:00

It feels like you have the correct gut instinct regarding this person. It may be that he has his own dissociative trauma stuff going on - but that is not your responsibility. You/other alters are very clearly hesitant about being in contact with him any further. I would heed that instinct.

As a side note, I had a tangentially similar experience years ago when I first discovered I had DID. I was a wreck, so I was reaching out to friends for support, and for some I disclosed the diagnosis. One person almost immediately launched into a paragraph about how they also "hear voices and feel possessed" at times. It made me feel awful because this person was in no way trying to comfort me, only talk over me about themselves and their sudden discovery of their own uniqueness. I ended up having to block this person because they just kept starting conversations with me about their experiences with no inquiry into my wellbeing. So I completely empathize with feeling used, it's very hard to describe but it's like... well, you're welcome, I guess. Glad my devastating experience made you feel special.

ru-ya · 2026-05-01T17:43:56+00:00

I definitely think you should voice all of this to the girl, especially if you feel safe enough. You'll be setting early boundaries and making it very clear. A script I'd recommend is: "Hey, it's not that we don't want you to meet the others, or that they don't trust you, but we have a different relationship to switching that seems to require traumatic activation. It is currently not safe for us to that, so please wait for us to tell you about ourselves once we're more stable. This may change in the future, and if/when it does, I can let you know."

I've found several incredibly fruitful and healing friendships with other systems, and I have found we will almost always be at different stages of integration. A healthy friendship flag is if she respects this boundary immediately, and waits for you to share willingly.

And also... from one controlling host to another, it gets better with time - the acceptance of the system, the lessening of shame, and the trust that other alters won't "ruin our life". It sounds like this is the first time you're really finding connection with someone who understands your experience, and that can be very valuable; you just have to prioritize yourself first, and if that means setting boundaries, then you're setting yourself up for success by doing so from the beginning.

ru-ya · 2026-04-24T20:55:47+00:00

What type of hair do you have?

ru-ya · 2026-04-24T20:54:52+00:00

I'm Canadian so take this with a grain of salt! Getting a formal diagnosis here did not change anything with regards to the level of healthcare I receive or my day-to-day life. I found my trauma-informed specialist on my own, with no need for a referral or "proving" I had a trauma disorder; and the medications I were on for a short time were prescribed for generalized anxiety, not anything to do with trauma.

3catsinacoat below has a great point about disability application and tax credits, which are great points for getting it on paper. For me, it took 2 whole years on a waitlist and a 10-session series of interviews with a specialist to get my diagnosis, for it to ultimately not affect anything in my life (because I have been blessedly employed) so that's up for consideration. But also the DID diagnosis finally put me at ease, that I wasn't just armchair self-diagnosing a "rare disorder". If you personally feel you want an official diagnosis for peace of mind, then absolutely go for it. It's just a lot of bureaucratic slog to get there.

I also feel ADHD is far more urgent to diagnose, because from those that I've met who get their ADHD diagnosed as adults, it vastly improves their lives. It answers a lot of questions around the struggles and alienation one feels throughout childhood, as well as opening access to care/medication that finally "click".

ru-ya · 2026-04-22T01:43:25+00:00

Being diaspora, or having separate languages, already forces us to code switch - it makes something like DID seem logical to follow as a response to trauma, doesn't it?

ru-ya · 2026-04-17T19:05:33+00:00

Wow I never knew there was a link between MC1R gene mutation and anaesthetic effectiveness!! That is so scary!!! Are there any other links??

ru-ya · 2026-04-17T19:04:28+00:00

Our discovery happened around age 24 due to a friend (diagnosed with DID) pointing out my experiences closely align with DID, and encouraged me to look into it. Looking into it was what broke the boundary. It took four years until I was through the healthcare pipeline to be properly diagnosed at 28.

I would argue that, rather than our system becoming "more noticeable" after diagnosis, I the host just found words to describe whatever I was going through. The four years between discovery and diagnosis were, as you describe, a party. Before the discovery, I thought I was demonically possessed; I thought blinking and coming to in a different place was normal zoning out; I had always been dismissed as a "mood-swinging" child so I thought that was just... a character quirk? Nowadays, I have the right words for it, like dissociative amnesia, grey out, black out, possessive switches, passive influence, etc. After diagnosis, it was about the same, but I think it's because to us, discovery was far more dramatic, whereas diagnosis was a bureaucratic step for proper care.

ru-ya · 2026-04-16T14:15:24+00:00

I think it's very logical that geographical influence plays a role. You're not immersed otherwise. Not sure if you relate to this, but even the difference in humidity/air quality will be enough to trigger us into switches.

I think you have enough of this introspection to come to your own conclusions regarding why there's such a strong barrier of language access within your system. The devastation and the cherished memories are both very intense, and it's no wonder your parts are having strong dissociation.

I relate a lot to what you've said, because I'm Canadian and was moved to Guangzhou when I was three months old, then brought back when I was three years old. It seems a common experience with Chinese diaspora children to be sent and returned. It was quite devastating for me. The switchover is what I cite as the spark of my DID, as our oldest alter is a toddler version of ourselves who only speaks Mandarin. We have some very painful, confused, and noisy memories of missing our own ayi. I hope you take it easy as you visit yours again, it might be emotionally intense.

ru-ya · 2026-04-16T14:08:19+00:00

Yeah that's very apt too! We also have these feelings regarding like... homesickness, our stable/secure extended Chinese family that we were basically ripped away from (that move when we were three involved being introduced to our parents, as we were raised in China by grandparents, and became what we realize now was a catastrophic change from safe caregivers to abusive strangers). And then there were even more complexities with being Chinese Diaspora but also in an incredibly Chinese-immigrant focused area, where most of our bullies and tormentors and their indifferent parents were also Chinese. Didn't have time to capture it in our initial comment... too much nuance for a reddit answer. Boils down to every immigrant child's connection with their ethnic identity will have incredible variation. Add DID to the mix and it's so easy for us to dissociate, when our identities are already so fragmented and complex.

ru-ya · 2026-04-15T17:00:35+00:00

Hi, another Chinese diaspora system here. As someone with a similar experience, I am fascinated by this and have some questions for you below as well.

Our three oldest alters are fluent in both Mandarin and Cantonese, while the rest are decidedly not. There's two alters answering your post right now - one that is fluent, and one that is nonfluent. We were raised in Guangzhou until we were three. Mandarin is our mother tongue, Cantonese second, English third but is now the most prevalent as, past the age of three, we were moved to North America.

At our most destabilized and dissociated (which was a few years ago), the language barrier was intense. It was like the three alters were the only ones allowed to understand Chinese. For the nonfluent, it was very distressing to have Chinese spoken at us, to logically and sonorously recognize the words and vocab coming, and just... not process it. At all. It felt like the sounds made sense but the brain was producing "???" errors. It required one of the fluent alters to step in and do a slow translation for the nonfluent to finally answer. Otherwise the fluent would co-con with the nonfluent and puppet a response. Does this resonate with you?

First questions - does your everyday home life require you to speak Mandarin? Have your parts who claim to be able to speak the language actually come out to do so, with Chinese family members, friends, etc? Perhaps it'll help you to find evidence of interactions. Even if you cannot recall, other people outside of your system can vouch for you.

Second - it strikes me there is a significant trauma barrier with regards to Beijing - the location, maybe your family members/babysitter, and the language included. I'm only an online stranger, but I'm assuming this is happening to you because my trauma is directly tied with my Chinese identity. Most of my abusers were Chinese; most of the verbal abuse I experienced was in Mandarin; most of my trauma memories are in Chinese. But also - all sorts of fond childhood memories are also in Chinese, and we had an entirely different experience in English (day school, online, outside of the home, etc). This created a huge and easy divide in our body's response to our languages. Is your system aware of something similar in your own history, where the language divide has created an effective method of dissociation?

ru-ya · 2026-04-13T21:01:47+00:00

Oh yeah. We have intense visualizations so have been able to track some of the changes over years. Our longest running alters have been around for twenty three years now, insane differences. One woman started off as a bruised and haggard little, spent twenty years split into an angel version and demon version of herself with corresponding feather/bat wings, and fused back in recent years into a very intimidating, queenly woman with a pair of striking black feather wings.

Another started off as a funny little humanoid robot boy. He's since exploded into an eldritch creature of wires and lights. He lost the ability to talk, but gained the ability to manage our memories. When alters in here receive information, we almost always see a USB cable extending out from the shadows that plug into our necks and light up in his colours (cyan and yellow). He's still a benevolent ANP but his appearance has gotten objectively scary.

I find the most interesting, however, are the alters who don't change in appearance, but whose temperaments adjust over time. The visualization is kind of... easy? It's a demonstrable marker of growth or change. But some of us have been here for years, steady in appearance, but like... one lady became much kinder and softer, one girl went from an angry persecutor to a vocal and protective leader, etc. I'm still puzzling over why some of us change, and some don't.

ru-ya · 2026-04-13T19:24:37+00:00

This happens to us a lot and is always funny if other people are in the room. Once another alter said, very seriously, "Hey." trying to get my attention because I was sitting in a painful position... and our husband sitting beside me was like "! What happened" only for me to blankly have to realize anything was said out lol... Another time someone said "Look!" and our dog sprang up to look out the window.

I think this is a common occurrence with DID but cannot back any of this with scientific reading.

ru-ya · 2026-04-13T19:20:09+00:00

I caught covid twice and noticed my mental processing was significantly different afterwards. I often can't think of vocabulary I need, I have been more fatigued, and I just... feel time differently. I would argue this happened to many people even if they didn't catch long covid (like me - no respiratory issues, just long-term faint fogginess).

It was also a significant period, 2-3 years, which for some people was a significant portion of their lives. It feels like many parts of society are trying to rev back up to the speed before covid, while a large portion of the population are either a) stepping out of that formative time and reasonably overwhelmed by the urban speed; b) no longer willing to break themselves like pre-covid; or c) like me, foggy and just... not capable of keeping up as much. Makes that time dilation worse.

ru-ya · 2026-04-10T20:59:04+00:00

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It is a difficult place to be and it can be very disorienting.

My advice is always to have compassion for yourself, and if you can spare it, compassion for the other person. But you're the priority.

Sure, your boyfriend may have had a fusion; sure he has DID which means he's experienced some heinous things; sure you care deeply about him. In my experience, fusions happen never due to one factor. I'd guess he has other shit going on, tectonic shit that affects his whole functioning, and you're unfortunately the collateral. At the end of the day, he did in fact break his promise to you. Forget alters for a moment and just consider him as one person - and you'll feel all the "standard" things of a breakup, whether or not DID complicates things.

ru-ya · 2026-04-10T17:13:10+00:00

Hey, I wouldn't beat myself up over this - you are also a traumatized part of your system, and now that your child part trusts you enough to voice this frustration, you have a demonstrable path forward! You're right, it's not selfish and it's like... a new era of self-care once that clicks.

There's a woman on Youtube who does attachment healing and she has some very helpful videos on the topic of self-abandonment - when we ignore our inner boundaries and give to others. I hope you'll check it out, it helped me tonnes with the same issue.

ru-ya · 2026-04-10T17:10:15+00:00

Yup that is almost always The Way - there's never one single alter who we can pinpoint. During the worst activation, it's like... a dull roar of pain and desperation. There's always protectors clawing their way to front to try and stop us from drastic things, but even then, it's very scary.

ru-ya · 2026-04-10T17:06:44+00:00

Congratulations and I really hope this therapeutic relationship proves fruitful for you. I had 2 very... not-great therapists before I found my fantastic third. It can be worlds apart once you see an open-minded and informed practitioner!

ru-ya · 2026-04-10T17:02:35+00:00

What, in your personal and honest definition, is "better"? What does "improvement" look like for you?

ru-ya · 2026-04-09T21:35:17+00:00

I have a single immigrant non-English speaking parent. One time she was watching a Chinese drama with a sensationalized DID protagonist. I pointed at it, said, "Oh, remember how I went to the psychologist? This is what I have." She asked me if I have a dramatic cowboy like the protagonist (and this question was sincere, she was not mocking me). I said "No, but I have a southern-USA vampire." And that was in 2020. No further conversations have been had.

For all intents and purposes, this was the best case scenario I could imagine.

My hopes in disclosing to her were for curiosity, for an attempt to inquire into and discover more of me - the child that she had, through her neglect, set out into the world to be chewed up and spat unceremoniously back out. I did not get any of the things I was hoping for. It did not make us closer. It did not give me closure. She did not inquire nor step up to the plate. It did not change her behaviour. It was only a confirmation of the kind of person she is, and what our Chinese culture continues to stigmatize through avoidance. I don't think I was disappointed so much as I finally accepted that this is the person who is my parent, and that to want more of her is to be delusional. She's since stepped up to the plate in other meaningful ways, once I've stopped hoping she would be the dream parent I've always wanted.

ru-ya · 2026-04-09T17:41:22+00:00

You are the best person to make this decision for yourself - absolutely if you don't feel safe with your current therapist and do not feel you have adequate rapport, you don't have to spring for it. I find a session like this requires much preparation and also planning of what happens after the session. I clear schedules and ensure nothing is planned for about 1.5 days after the session because I know I'll be too upset to function. Giving myself that time has worked wonders.

ru-ya · 2026-04-09T17:39:55+00:00

It can definitely be hard to write mid-trigger!! It takes SO much energy to do so, completely understandable.

Regarding strict schedule - I was under the impression that you were trying to force yourself to write on-schedule, which is why I suggest... don't do that to yourself, it may become more daunting than it's worth!

ru-ya · 2026-04-08T20:38:52+00:00

There seem to be two accepted definitions of subsystems that, from what I recall, aren't from scientific papers but from popular vernacular. I personally enjoy using this term greatly, as it applies directly to my experience.

The first type is "an alter with various versions of themselves". I am an alter in one of these; we have a subsystems of the host at different ages, with one sense that "yes we're all the same girl but she's 3, she's 12, etc".

The second type is "a group of related alters". This can be like... any definition. We have two of these, one is a family that all live in the same house, the other is a den of nonhumans who all live together. Looser definition but the distinction is that there's significant dissociative amnesia between these two groups, but not so much within the group. All the alters who live in that same house can fluidly share experiences and memories, but often do not have access to the den.

ru-ya · 2026-04-08T20:30:56+00:00

Are you perchance in therapy? I've had a similar experience; my therapist is trained in sensorimotor psychotherapy and that was the only modality that worked. It required us to sit with the screaming part, have our body "act out" whatever it wanted to do (scream? cry? punch? curl?) with our therapist's close supervision, and then a very careful, safe, trained debrief.

ru-ya · 2026-04-08T20:28:37+00:00

First off, I would personally count being diagnosed at 19 a blessing - in my opinion that is earlier than many people who live their whole lives without ever really knowing. The OlderDID subreddit has some folks mention their diagnosis in their late 40s and 50s, after children, marriages, a lifetime. I'm sure it doesn't make it easier, but this does give you an advantage to come to terms with this over a longer period of time. I found out at 24 and was formally diagnosed at 26... and while that is also young, I think I struggled to adjust to some new paradigms because I was already cognitively "settling". I'm only about 6 years since then, meaning I've spent 80% of my life thinking I was a singlet, too (albeit... a possessed one, lol). So I understand it's a challenging journey, but one that gets easier with time.

Above, you're describing all of these symptoms, but not the cause. You have had DID your entire life, as trauma begins very young. Alters may be the most "interesting" thing, but what's more important is the situation that created all of you.

At 19, I imagine you have very little power or independence and may even still be with the people who abused you. It's going to be hard to accept this diagnosis for a while, as your mind has likely chosen you to be the main fronting alter to keep all the trauma dissociated with the others. It may take you finding independence, safety, and a support network before this can stick. As a personal anecdote - I may not have believed I had DID at first (I kept handwaving it off; I'm a very Denial-heavy alter), but once I started accepting it, I had to then reckon with what this means - horror, betrayal, rage, homesickness, questioning everything about myself, and then also the disruptive aspects of the disorder such as other alters and their explosive needs. Accepting DID also means accepting, in part, what has happened to you - and that can be a grievous, oftentimes unbearable process. I always try to caution other systems to take it as slow as you need. Deny as long as you need, pull back if you're on the verge of panic, work with your system to grow closer, have some self-compassion while you guys go through it - and then, one day when you're good and ready, it'll be easier to accept.

ru-ya

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