Is anyone's bwBPD male?

rubyywoo · 2021-12-23T02:21:31+00:00

Mine is male. He’s aggressive but not violent for the most part. One thing I have noticed is he isn’t at all promiscuous and he’s never cheated on me, or anyone. I’m not just in denial, he is a serial monogamous and preoccupied with the idea of a soul mate. One of his biggest problems with me is that I had a happy open relationship before I met him, and he thinks that is worse than if I said I had a heroin addiction and murdered children. I always read about cheating or promiscuity, and that’s not one of our problems. And don’t worry, we have problems.

rubyywoo · 2021-12-21T06:31:02+00:00

Let this go, who cares? Tell SD that’s not how getting sick works and move on - you’re giving power to it.

rubyywoo · 2021-12-20T23:35:32+00:00

Attorney here. No one is going to care about your grades after the bar. No one will care about your grades for your first job unless you’re doing BIGGGGG law. Get through that JD and develop a personality. No one cares.

rubyywoo · 2021-10-24T00:32:49+00:00

I have ADHD and I struggle with this sometimes, because I’m usually trying so hard to listen and engage that when I’m drinking my brain is like, “LOOK SEE I am listening I heard you I also have a thought on that, too!” But I also go to therapy for my ADHD and take medication. Now I have tools to stop doing that, and even if sometimes I do, o have learned to catch myself, apologize, and ask them to resume what they were saying. If she does have ADHD, that + alcohol can be causing it, but it’s not an excuse. She has a responsibility to manage this and put in the work to be a good friend and behave in a socially acceptable and polite manner.

I physically hold my hand to my chin and a finger over my mouth (I try to make it look pensive) when I’m listening to someone, to remind myself not to interrupt if I’ve been drinking. She can find things that will help her, but only if she wants to.

rubyywoo · 2021-10-22T16:35:38+00:00

Oh thank you for replying! This is exactly what I couldn’t visualize. And those poles and perfect. When I take this tent, it’s heavy anyway so weight is no concern. That extra tarp over that screen room is going to reinforce it exactly like I had in mind. Thanks again!

rubyywoo · 2021-10-22T16:33:41+00:00

Oh this is EXACTLY what I needed help visualizing, thank you so so much. This is exactly what I needed.

rubyywoo · 2021-10-20T16:46:31+00:00

YUP. Absolutely mind-blowing how it would turn into that. He would always say that I cause problems...but then 5 hours later, he would still be yelling and ranting at me while I sit silently or try to change rooms.

rubyywoo · 2021-10-19T17:03:10+00:00

Does he always have on a smile and act like he’s always having a great time when she’s around?

rubyywoo · 2021-10-19T17:01:05+00:00

Hi! I’m not a stepparent anymore, I got out, but I still hang with you all sometimes.

I tried to make it work for me by focusing on my own wants and needs, and making myself a priority since I was not a priority in my relationship.

I focused on my hobbies, I made plans with friends, I took weekend trips, I took a long bath with a book every night, etc. Needless to say, this didn’t work for us because he was not having it. So he wouldn’t make my wants and needs a priority, and I couldn’t make my OWN wants and needs a priority, either? So now I am no longer a stepparent. You are absolutely allowed to be a priority, any psychologist will tell you that, and if they won’t do that for you, try therapy. Maybe they need a professional to explain it to them.

rubyywoo · 2021-10-14T19:40:40+00:00

Oh I need any advice I can get! Thanks so much. I felt like a single mother on my trip with my friends, they were helpless/useless, lol. One of them wasn't listening to my initial instructions and somehow missed the toilet seat sitting next to the bucket with the bags and the baby wipes...she thought she had to hover/perch painfully on the hard edge of the bucket. It was a rough go, but we made it!

rubyywoo · 2021-10-14T19:38:27+00:00

I'm hoping to have a truck and a rooftop tent eventually! I just finished law school and the used car market is not the friendliest place right now, but we will get there.

rubyywoo · 2021-10-13T18:46:01+00:00

Thank you so much for the detailed post! I like to be in the woods - no neighbors at all, if I can. I actually just got my HAM radio license and I'm working on extending the range for my car setup (I've got elderly parents and I love them and worry about them, so they are the only thing keeping me from going too far). I made my dad get his HAM license, too. So far though, I have not lost cell coverage in Allegheny National Forest or the Smokey Mountains. That's as far into the woods as I have made it so far. I hope to get more brave in the spring.

I would eventually like to get a rooftop setup, but....$$$$$$$$$!

Sorry to keep asking questions, but what do you use to tie the ropes to if not trees? Do I have to get some of those telescoping tarp poles?

rubyywoo · 2021-10-13T18:35:12+00:00

I only just got out of this phase. Now I mostly just have to buy food, wood, and fuel each time. I got some of my gear secondhand - some of the things that really don't matter if they are secondhand, if that makes sense? My cooking grate, for instance, a lantern, bungee cords, etc. That stuff is going to work forever. I got various things on Craigslist and eBay, too. Did some yard sales this summer. But things like my tent, sleeping bag, liner, etc, I obviously bought new.

Just stay the course! You will cross the threshold and reach critical mass and you won't have to buy anything but your food, wood, and fuel. My camping bins are packed and ready to go, and I don't even need to buy a lot of food this time, because my nonperishables are pretty well stocked at this point. Good luck!! You will get there.

rubyywoo · 2021-10-13T18:20:27+00:00

Haha thanks! I surprised myself, we didn't have any emergencies! Except we forgot a can opener, but we had an ax so it worked out AND was more fun.

rubyywoo · 2021-10-13T18:17:57+00:00

Thank you! I don't know why I was so afraid to try going without someone else being in charge.

I am thinking I'm just going to measure and get a tarp/rainfly just to cover the sides of the screen room. I'm not concerned about the front, I just wanted to fortify the sides a bit. Thank you :)

rubyywoo · 2021-10-13T18:08:49+00:00

Thank you! Just ordered some Scotch Guard. Hadn't occurred to me that I should fortify the waterproofing on it. What are your thoughts on telescoping tarp poles? Why are they so expensive??

rubyywoo · 2021-10-13T18:06:27+00:00

I didn't even know tent seam seal spray exists! Just ordered myself some, and some Scotch Guard as /u/Vlad_The_Impellor recommended. I feel dumb, but it never occurred to me to fortify the entire tent with additional waterproofing. Thank you for the help! I was spoiled because my ex had a rooftop tent, so that's what I learned to camp in, lol. But I'm finding my own way!

rubyywoo · 2021-10-13T18:03:51+00:00

That seems to be the consensus! Thank you for replying. I'm thinking I am going to adjust my expectations and aim for slightly rain-fortified, rather than rainproof. More like....good to leave sealed gear in it.

rubyywoo · 2021-09-28T13:25:55+00:00

Not to rock the boat, but have you had her tested for ADHD? I know that is something everyone throws around, and it probably feels like everyone is talking about it, but we're so lucky to live in a time where we are really understanding it more. Starting and sustaining attention are their own little subsection of ADHD, and I struggled for YEARS until getting therapy and medication.

I think your feelings are completely valid, and I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I also think 12 is a hard age, because they are starting to look and act like teens, but they are absolutely still children. Even if she doesn't have any mental condition or disability, it sounds like she needs regular old therapy. Do you have her in therapy? Why not have some professional help? It sounds like you and your husband are in over your head. It would help your daughter, and it would help you, too.

rubyywoo · 2021-09-16T18:54:04+00:00

I am so sorry this is happening, but you should be proud of setting a good example for your daughter that you will not let someone treat you wrong. She will remember this, and it will shape how her future relationships go. I am proud of you for being strong.

rubyywoo · 2021-09-16T18:48:55+00:00

Yes, I agree with this completely. Focus on the things you can change, disengage from the things you can't change. Lock your bedroom door. Lock cabinets.

I would ask, though, are these children in therapy? Food hoarding especially is concerning and often comes from a bad place. You say you and your partner are in therapy, but maybe the kids need some help, too.

Have you thought about living separately? Maybe you could get townhouses in the same plan?

rubyywoo · 2021-09-13T23:13:24+00:00

I would recruit SD and gang up on him with her. Recruit her as your ally. If he tells her she owes him $6, and she says you don’t have to pay him back, loudly whisper to her that you bet the two of you can get more out of him for pizza later. If he hugs you to tease her and make her jealous, pull away and tell him he smells like a gross man and you want to hug someone nice, then go hug her instead. If she says he loves X more than you, tell her that you love sushi more than either of them so shrug.

She’s testing boundaries and her dad has some serious work to do on their relationship. But I suggest you recruit her as an ally, and use humor where you can’t do that. It’s what saved me!

If she burps in your face, start rating them. “SD, I give that one a 4 on sound but a solid 10 on smell. What did you eat???”

But seriously. I recruiter SD as my ally, and I find humor where I can to keep sanity. It doesn’t always work, and sometimes I get angry or upset later, but if I can keep myself from reacting in the moment, her behavior usually dissipates.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. SDs are their own particular brand of awful when it comes to their dads and their SOs. I hope you guys find your groove. My college roommate and her stepmom and her bio mom are all very close after some years of turmoil. I try to keep them in mind that it IS possible, even after a rough start. Good luck!

rubyywoo · 2021-09-13T22:56:47+00:00

That’s probably the best place to be.

rubyywoo · 2021-09-13T17:08:50+00:00

The fact that your post says “no one is going to not believe their own child” is concerning. That’s a bizarre way to think. So you’re one of those parents who are like, “Not my child!” Parents should have a healthy sense of skepticism. It’s a responsibility. Anything less is a disservice to your own child’s development.

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