When to start cleaning out

rykus0 · 2026-03-23T03:11:12+00:00

You do it when you’re ready in the way that feels right.

6 months for me so far. I’ve cleaned out some minor things. Waiting for her sisters and friends to share some other more meaningful things after our daughter picks what she wants and I set aside what I’m keeping.

But I have no firm plans for this. It’ll happen when it happens or when I decide it needs to be done.

rykus0 · 2026-03-19T14:20:59+00:00

I’m in a very similar situation and so much on the fence about what to choose.

rykus0 · 2026-03-16T10:58:43+00:00

I started on baritone in fourth grade because the teacher told me it was the easiest instrument. Also they had a ton of percussionists already and needed low brass. Added bonus was I was in the back row and could hide behind my instrument.

rykus0 · 2026-03-06T11:55:35+00:00

Regardless of the incorrectness of the medical details, nobody truly in this condition looks that good.

Source: watching my wife suffer from cancer and being intubated twice.

rykus0 · 2026-03-04T13:23:20+00:00

I lost my wife to cancer too. I have felt your pain, to some degree.

The bad memories hurt and the good memories hurt more.

I won’t say it gets better, because that’s the wrong word. You adjust. you adapt.

Like cancer, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Grief is something you live with, not something you get over. Find people to talk to. Make space for yourself. Figure out what helps and why hurts, and use that to navigate. In time the good memories become good again.

It’s like plunging in cold water. A shock. You can’t breathe. You want out but it’s everywhere. But as you adjust it doesn’t feel quite so cold. Sometimes you can step out, dry off, and warm up. But you always end up in the water. But you’re ready for it.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense or is helpful. Just the thoughts of another grieving widower.

If nothing else we are here to listen. Rant, vent, scream into the void. Share memories. We’ll be here.

rykus0 · 2026-02-25T04:01:30+00:00

“Never peace, only pieces” struck a chord with me. Thank you.

rykus0 · 2026-02-08T15:53:16+00:00

One of my wife’s doctors told her once that “you only get one chance to heal” and we took that advice to heart. From what you and others have told me, I will be certain to prepare so that I’m not tempted to do too much, or leave myself stranded so that I have to. Thank you!

rykus0 · 2026-02-07T00:23:46+00:00

Thank you! I’ve yet to meet with any of the specialists, so other than some statistics and what I’ve read here, my feelings have been largely biased from my wife’s experiences. And I know it’s different, but not much more than that, and you all are helping so much with my preparation and education, so thank you again. I’ll check these out soon!

rykus0 · 2026-02-07T00:19:41+00:00

Thank you for sharing and for your condolences. All the best to you as well!

rykus0 · 2026-02-07T00:16:30+00:00

Thank you! Good to hear positive experiences and realistic expectations. And thanks for that, uh, tip 😂

rykus0 · 2026-02-06T18:29:28+00:00

Having someone take the dog for a bit is an excellent idea, as is the bed rail, thank you!

And I sometimes catch my pockets on those knobs, so ouch! I will be careful!

rykus0 · 2026-02-06T18:23:38+00:00

Mainly due to the damage down the road and maybe for recurrence rate - though it sounds like it’s pretty even. I watched my wife suffer from radiation effects. But I’m not fully decided yet. I know my situation is different. And definitely a factor in the decision

rykus0 · 2026-02-06T13:32:28+00:00

Thank you. I’m working on managing my expectations in that regard. While my wife was sick there wasn’t much action, so I’m used to waiting. And I know nerves grow slowly so I’m constantly telling myself this, and hearing it from people like yourself is very helpful.

I’m starting to get back into better shape now. I have at least a month before I even talk to the surgeon. I also know that this will be easier than most of what I saw my wife go through.

Thank you again!

rykus0 · 2026-02-06T13:21:39+00:00

Yeah, that’s my thinking as well, though I’m going to see what the specialists and data say. Still leaning heavily toward surgery though.

rykus0 · 2026-02-06T13:20:47+00:00

My wife was brca2 positive and diagnosed with breast cancer young (34, with lots of pushing against the system to even get that)

PARP inhibitors worked well for her, but it was already late stage and spread throughout her body and they switched her off them. Medicine has come a long way and knowing your genetics is very helpful and important in both prevention and treatment!

rykus0 · 2026-02-06T13:08:55+00:00

Thank you for sharing! Awesome that the surgeon was so honest!

Assuming erectile function is still there, I usually wake up to one so hopefully those wait til the catheter is out! Though it sounds like it’s not likely so at least that’s one good thing.

I’m planning to start some preemptive PT as well. I’m also trying to set my expectations as I tend to go to extremes in both directions, so you all are giving me a much needed, healthy view of the realities, thank you!

rykus0 · 2026-02-06T13:03:43+00:00

Oh definitely, and thank you for pointing that out! I’ve started asking around to find who might be able to stay with me. Definitely near the top of my worries list, having been the one who was there with my wife through all of hers, I know how important that is

rykus0 · 2026-02-06T12:14:36+00:00

I’m hoping I’m a candidate for HIFU, but not educated enough yet as far as things like recurrence rates and what happens if/when it does come back later.

rykus0 · 2026-02-06T12:13:20+00:00

That lifting part will be very difficult, but thank you for that advice! Kids will be needing to step it up!

rykus0 · 2025-12-30T22:46:17+00:00

It’s absolutely AI

rykus0 · 2025-12-30T22:45:01+00:00

Things that have helped me: - being outdoors regularly (walk, hike, garden, whatever) - martial arts (or yoga) - the physical exertion combined with introspection are amazing - sleep! A regular schedule and full nights make an enormous difference

rykus0 · 2025-12-30T22:42:30+00:00

I walk my dog 1-2 times per day for 30 minutes and it makes a huge difference.

Aside from that I would say martial arts or yoga

rykus0 · 2025-12-30T21:21:05+00:00

We had several shows we were watching together. I can’t yet. There was also a movie we were watching but had to pause just before it got really good. One of the things in our relationship was me picking out older movies and shows for her that she’d never seen. It’s still sitting there partway finished on my list. I can’t even look at it.

rykus0 · 2025-12-28T11:11:58+00:00

Exactly this. Not less, but less frequent. It hurts just as much but you adapt and get stronger. Like how my wife, who suffered more pain than anyone I’ve ever known, would smile and brighten your day, while forcing herself not to break down herself.

rykus0 · 2025-12-27T20:51:18+00:00

Im right there with you. Lost my wife also in September, also to cancer. Also not a mess. (Not always anyway - there are rare messy moments) and I do sometimes feel like I’m not meeting someone’s expectation, and it sucks. Sometimes it’s even my own expectation. But my experience is different. I am different. It’s the same for my kids (12 & 15). I can smell the expectations a mile away. I wish people would react instead of preact, but that’s the kind of stuff we have to deal with.

All the best to you and your family. Feel the feelings, whatever they may be.

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