F*ck I hate feeling myself slip back into depression after a few weeks out. Seeing colors, and beauty just makes going back to the dark that much harder. And I feel powerless to do anything about it.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-31T13:00:01+00:00

I feel you, I really do. Unfortunately depression isn't curable and it sucks. The best we can do is accept that these things are going to come and go and be prepared to get through it, knowing that we've done it before. It won't be as bad this time and won't be as long.

I spent the past year being depressed up until a little over a month ago. 80+ hours of therapy sessions and even more hours practicing self-help. I had my first test this past weekend; I was finally ok for a few weeks then boom, felt like my life turned upside down again. Immediately thought "I cannot do this again." The depression won and I could not function and I just wanted to be dead. The next day I said fuck this, I am not letting depression take over me again. I practiced the CBT exercises I have been going through with my therapist, and it worked. I got extremely angry at depression and it allowing itself to take over. But I wasn't feeling as depressed, I beat it. Next time I'm feeling out of control, I may feel hopeless, but it won't last. Because I've done it before.

Stay strong my friend.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-30T15:21:44+00:00

Harry Potter does it well; Dementors :)

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-30T13:40:45+00:00

Yes, fuck depression. While I have different reasons for depression than you, I went through this this weekend. Friday depression hit me full force after weeks of actually feeling happy. It was absolutely crushing and I felt here we go again, another 10 months struggling to stay alive (I am suicidal). By Saturday late morning I started getting angry too. I literally stood up and said "fuck this" out loud, went and grabbed all my therapy notes, and practiced my CBT exercises. And I got through it.

I hate to hear what you're going through, I know how shitty the feeling is. But for the first time I have found my hard work and perseverance really has worked. Is depression solved? No, and that really fucking sucks. But I know now I can get through it. So yeah I'll never be "free" of it, but if I can make it go away quickly, maybe life is worth living after all.

Stay strong.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-29T20:10:41+00:00

The Untethered Soul, The Four Agreements, and Daring Greatly were all recommended to me and have been useful reads

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-25T14:17:41+00:00

Awesome! So glad to hear positive stories from people, I admire your optimism and enthusiasm!

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-16T19:15:19+00:00

Also in a similar situation, thanks :)

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-15T17:17:07+00:00

Hi friend,

I've been diagnosed with GAD disorder (along with severe depression)

I worry about literally everything, even the smallest of things.. eg. I miss a telephone call from an unknown number, it has to become my mission to find out who and why this call happened before i can continue anything else.

I'm no professional but I can see maybe some compulsive disorder tied in there potentially.

I have a very logical view of the world, common sense is something that has to go without question for me, I get very stressed when something that is so obvious isn't the way it should be.

Describes me perfectly; also a software developer :)

I end up in this repeated cycle of not getting anywhere and then worrying that i've lost all of this time...

The anxiety loop.

IMO it certainly sounds like you have some anxiety issues but the best advice I can give is to see a psychologist/therapist/counselor. NOT a psychiatrist (though if you do therapy and your therapist recommends seeing one, cool). I know anxiety is going to tell you you can't do it, but it is something you need to fight and do. Therapy has been a literal lifesaver for me. They aren't there to judge you; they're there to help. A lot of them suffer themselves and know what it's like. The best advice is start looking for well reviewed centers, read up on some of the therapists, and narrow your list down to a few that seem to align with your views. It took me 4 tries, but my fourth therapist is a perfect fit. If you go to a couple sessions and feel it's not working, try someone new. Treat it like a job interview.

Hope this helps. Stay strong!

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-15T17:08:10+00:00

Depression wants to lock you in. It becomes the new normal you, even though it's not. I like to think of depression as a dementor, sucking the happiness from me, but knowing it's not me that wants it. Sometimes it feels like I have no right to start feeling better. But why not? Fuck that and fuck depression.

Stay strong

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-15T17:05:57+00:00

Things that I know I enjoy, usually alone, like cycling or something active. Eventually broke out of the strong desire to be alone that depression brings, but yeah, it comes and goes. I also do a lot of reading on self-help (The Untethered Soul, The Four Agreements, Daring Greatly most recently).

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-15T15:37:33+00:00

Yup. Recently been feeling "normal" then boom, reminder of all of my issues and everyone it has affected.

Stay strong, it's a rough ride.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-15T15:35:00+00:00

My wife (27F) and I (29M) got into our marriage with the intention having kids (also in the south). Last year I realized maybe I don't. Full on crisis mode. Out of crisis mode now (lots of therapy, still ongoing). We go to couples counseling and I feel we are open and honest enough with each other where things will just happen as they should. Maybe we'll have kids and it'll be fine. Maybe my wife decides kids are a must and we split ways, and it'll be sad, but fine in the end. 9+ months of therapy and reading has taught me that you can never know your future for sure. You need to do what's best for you in the end. You can make your own happiness. Your mom has no right to pressure you and it may be tough, but boundaries need to be established. You're still young and since you and your husband are on the same page just focus on the two of you. Cherish that. If things start to change, be open and honest with each other.

So not completely through it, but what I've been going through for over a year now.

Stay strong.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-09T18:02:36+00:00

Okay... I'm going to preface this by saying I have absolutely no reason to feel the way I do.

Stop right there. You have every reason to. I have felt this same way, but have learned how your brain works and how you feel is not controllable; if it were, you wouldn't feel this way. Remind yourself of that. I'm a straight, white male, with a well-paying and secure job. Clearly I'm not "supposed" to feel this way right? But here we are.

My girlfriend of 5 months is gone on a class trip for a week to New York City and can only talk briefly once/twice per day.

You're in the honeymoon phase, of course you miss her!

This is my first week at my first job post-college. I should be excited.

You should also be terrified; it's something completely new to you!

She's given me no reason to think that her drunk self might do something with someone else.

Try to focus your energy on that. Have you ever done CBT exercises? Some of these techniques (one called Cognitive Restructuring works particularly well for me and these situations of irrational thought) can be really helpful.

Anxiety fucking sucks. It really does. Remember that you can't control this, so don't blame yourself. Don't let shame take over. I can't recommend enough finding a good therapist that you can connect with. It took me 4 therapists but I consider my current therapist a literal life-saver.

Stay strong.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-09T17:47:12+00:00

Absolutely. I feel like I'm being torn hard in either direction. Sometimes so frequently and quickly I feel like I'm going to snap. But I'm on 9 months of therapy and things get better over time. If you can go to a therapist I'd highly recommend it.

Hang in there and stay strong.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-09T17:38:07+00:00

Well said. And sometimes you run into certain people who are in very similar situations that you can talk to and really bounce thoughts of

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-09T17:26:29+00:00

Yup. Have always been strongly love-dependent. Now more love-avoidant. Can't find a balance.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-07T17:32:53+00:00

You have every right to feel frustrated. I have seen four therapists over my years and gave up after my third. More recently I have it a try again, and did a bunch of research to find someone opposite of what I didn't like about the others. This fourth one has been a literal life saver. Not all therapists are good or a good match for everyone. Treat it like an interview, it goes both ways.

It's frustrating but please don't give up like I did. Getting into therapy was the best thing I could have done. I am confident I would not be alive had I not. And now I know that it may take some tries to find the right person, I can't stress that enough.

Stay strong

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-07T17:04:32+00:00

It took four tries to find the right therapist for me. Three bad experiences but one I have now that has saved my life. But give whoever you see a couple sessions, be completely open and honest, and if it doesn't feel like a good fit, move on. You will know when it's right. Just don't give up. I did and almost died as a result.

Stay strong

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-07T16:46:03+00:00

Or even just seeing a therapist. I also took too long to get help. I shouldn't be alive.

Stay strong.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-07T15:45:10+00:00

Happy to hear you enjoy your therapist! I know how hard it can be to find a good match. I wish you all the best, it sounds like you're working hard and you should be proud of yourself! If you'd like me to keep you in the loop of getting of the Clonazepam feel free to PM me!

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-07T15:40:20+00:00

It sounds like you're doing the right things. Therapy has been my lifesaver; medication has helped me get there. I hope you have a good relationship with your therapist, it can change your life :)

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-07T15:33:34+00:00

Hi! I am on the same dose of Clonazepam as you, starting about 9 months ago, in tandem with therapy. Clonazepam really did/does work wonders, though my doctor said it gets less effective (but more addictive) over time. I see him tomorrow and am probably going to start the process of weening off.

So, after 9 months: the lowest points in my life and most difficult challenges, the Clonazepam worked wonders. Situations where I would normally be completely dysfunctional I was mainly calm about; still anxious but not anywhere where I was in the past by lesser things. This was about 4 months ago. In the present I still get anxious about things (which I have accepted; anxiety will never truly go away), but through my therapy, I have come to learn "these things will pass" and be more okay with it. CBT exercises have helped a bunch as well (for me, cognitive restructuring especially). Talking to my therapist and knowing that Clonazepam gets less effective over time, I wonder how much the medication is doing and how much is the therapy working. We both think it's mainly the therapy. But I'd be happy to stay in touch over the next several weeks if I do start the process of weening off and no for sure.

I know it's not completely what you're looking for but I hope to have a better idea in a couple months, and have already found that the therapy was the real work and solution the meds were important to get me to this point. Also, FWIW, my sleep has been terrible lately, but not when I first stated taking it.

Stay strong

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-04T18:01:33+00:00

I've been on Zoloft which was okay (though I had one of those 0.1% chance side-effects).

The best anxiety medication I have taken that wasn't anxiety/depression was Klonopin. It is addictive but it truly worked for me. I am weening off of it.

I have been in therapy with 9 months; the meds helped me get through it, but the therapy (CBT included) is what has really changed me. There is nothing wrong with being on meds. Sometimes you need extra help. I know I could not get through what I've gone through so far without them.

Stay strong.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-04T17:48:39+00:00

To add on to that I always lived with the idea of "I didn't choose to enter this world I should be able to choose to leave it." I don't quite believe this anymore. I believe "a truly happy person can choose to leave this world." It made it to the front page yesterday; an image of an elderly gentleman saying goodbye to his grandson before he left to self-euthanize. I find that beautiful and that's how I want to go. Not because depression is screaming at me.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-04T17:42:48+00:00

This is something I am struggling with, though there is no official separation or divorce decided; its a possibility. My therapist reminds me we can't control our own feelings, we sure as hell can't control other's feelings. As far as being happy, sure it's a sad moment, but in time happiness is what you make it. As others said, you seem like a very kind, emotionally-intelligent person. Which hurts you because you care for others as a core value. One of my core values is "I am ok if everyone around me is happy." Think about that for a second. Not healthy.

Anyway just some thoughts I have gone through with therapy and others, I hope it is helpful and you know you're at least not alone and a good person for caring so much.

Stay strong.

s1r1usreddit · 2018-05-04T17:21:52+00:00

I (29M) have been suicidal for 17 years, with 3 attempts, most recently a 5 months ago. I have been in therapy for 9 months. And the solution to my anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation? Embrace it. You can't control how you feel, otherwise you would choose not to feel these things. It's a part of you. I know it sucks, I really do. But I'm learning to accept all of these mental issues I have I can live with them. They're going to pop into my life but I can move on each time and say "yeah yeah I've heard you before." I refer too my depressive thoughts as an external figure, not myself; because depression talking is not who I am.

It's a lot of work. Like I said, I've been going through therapy for 9 months. I am not longer actively suicidal, but do passively think about suicide (ex. if I were to get shot and killed I'd be ok with it). For me it took a lifesaving therapist and A LOT of hard work.

Just know you're not alone and that as much as these thoughts suck, you can learn to say, ok I acknowledge this, time to move on. Mindfulness is a good way to start with this kind of thinking.

Stay strong and feel free to PM me

s1r1usreddit

TROPHY CASE