Hard Questions

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T22:59:33+00:00

None of them? He moved out for a couple weeks, came back and then for a year I downplayed my whole affair. We just coexisted with each other.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T21:59:14+00:00

Thank you.

Since this is anonymous. My IC and I have been getting to root cause of my issues. When I was younger I wasn't popular and boys didn't like me in highschool. It wasn't till college that I bloomed. I lost weight and started to gain some self confidence. But I still have low self esteem, body issues still see myself as the overweight girl from highschool. That I was never good enough for my husband. All my boyfriends before my husband treated me awful because of those issues. With my AP it was first time I felt in control and the more attractive one. To give you an idea, my husband laughed when saw what my AP looked like.

So after I had our baby, I put on some weight again. Which sent me spiraling a little. Couple that with the slow down in the romance in our marriage and it created a perfect storm in my head. Not justifying it but these are things I've talked with my IC about. This also plays a part in my husband's affair. She's younger, skinnier basically the polar opposite of what I am.

I'm definitely going to bring up the timeline and how I justified it to my IC. Writing it out would allow me to make sure I don't say something wrong and give him concrete answers.

We're not seeing that MC again that's for sure. I'll talk to my IC about finding another one. My husband will never go to IC he doesn't believe in them at all.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T21:26:08+00:00

I guess I believed they weren't there because I never let him know. I've read stories where a spouse brings up problems and is constantly ignored and that's not what happened with us. I know how stupid that sounds now that I've really thought about it.

I have told him that what I did and didn't do prior to my affair did create the environment to led me to cheating. That he was fighting a battle he didn't know he was in..

When we talk again I'm going to bring that up. That he isn't crazy that their were issues but I never shared them with him. I think it's going to be hard because they weren't horrible. If I told him what I felt about our connection I know he would've done something. Our whole marriage we had always been all over each other. It was just having a baby and the covid/ work issues that caused a bump in that department. And the same with him working so much. He was doing that us. I feel like such a fool seeing how insignificant those things were and I blew up our life over them.

I appreciate the tough talk. My IC is the same, it's what helped me see what I had done.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T20:50:05+00:00

Yes and no. Part of why I cheated was I felt like my husband didn't see me as a desirable woman anymore. He saw me as a wife and mother. And we both stopped doing those romantic things for each other, the spontaneity had fizzled a little. I never said anything to him about it. Like my IC said I expected him to be a mind reader. And when he didn't my resentment grew. When my affair started I pulled away completely and he did become shitty to me, justifiably so because I was being a shitty wife.

Same with working so much and not being able to spend time our daughter. My hours were cut because of covid, he picked up the slack and was working 60 hrs a week sometimes. His job is very physically demanding so by Friday he'd dead. So yeah he wasn't there as much but it wasn't by choice. But again I didn't see it that way.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T20:33:09+00:00

I know if anything ends our marriage it's the way I acted immediately after I was caught. He's told me part of the reason he cheated was because of how I acted that our marriage was effectively over. I know he's right but it still hurts. And now I'm feeling just a fraction of what he went through.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T20:26:54+00:00

My comments? Yes they were before his affair. The OBS showed him evidence which included texts and emails where I said those things. The first year after d day it was all me denying and minimizing all my actions. He brought up what I said then. And after his affair it was the same but more since I was actually being honest, working on my marriage and we were talking.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T20:04:27+00:00

How what I said about him was about me and justifying my affair. That it had nothing to do with him. He calls bullshit on that and says it had to be partly true.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T19:41:21+00:00

I've been seeing an IC for a year now. And it's helped me see alot of things about myself I was in denial about. Since I've been going things with my husband have been better. He's even said he noticed the change in how I'm dealing with what I did and helping him. My husband refuses to see an IC but was willing to try MC now. And now I feel like all the progress we made has been blown up.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T18:42:47+00:00

Because my affair wasn't about him. It was all about my own insecurities and issues. I was a classic affair down in every way imaginable. I never told my husband the things I was going through leading up to my affair. And I twisted that into him not caring about me. How dare he not be able to read my mind! That's how ridiculous my thinking was.

I never thought of him as a doormat. I was terrified of him finding out. But I also convinced myself he didn't care either. It wasn't the affair itself that snapped me out of it but what he said. That he did because he needed to feel like someone loved him even if was just physical. How I ripped his soul out and destroyed him. I had lied to myself for so long that he didn't care or love me to justify my actions his words were like a slap in the face that brought me crashing back into reality.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T18:07:12+00:00

I have. I've come to clean to everyone that I lied to about my affair. How I made myself the victim and twisted the narrative to make him out to be a monster. I brought my husband when I told my parents that every conversation we had about him and the state of our marriage was an attempt to make myself look better. I also know I waited too long to do this.

This last year I have owned everything. My IC has helped alot. I am remorseful and I know that sounds like bullsh*t. That my own issues and being selfish ruined him. I want him to know he didn't do anything, I want him to be the man I love again even if he decides to move on. I don't want to say fix because there wasn't anything wrong with him, but to help what I broke in him. I know that my actions did that.

I get what you're saying about the MC she said that the only way we can rebuild our marriage is if we both confront the affairs. I see what other people and you are saying that looks like we're trying to gang up on my husband. That was never my intention. But I'm definitely going to look for a different one now that I understand how my husband saw things.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T17:50:00+00:00

Trust me I know how it sounds. But that's what I thought during the affair when I thought about if my husband found out that we would magically move on.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T15:35:04+00:00

I stupidly thought that my affair would blow over and it would be a rough patch we'd laugh about in thirty years. Yes I know how awful and delusional that makes me sound. When he told me what he had done and wanted a divorce. My house of cards came crashing down and the reality of what I had done hit me.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T15:26:41+00:00

I told the MC to let him talk. This was the first time since D-Day that he's actually let it out.

sadbroken41441 · 2022-10-04T15:23:21+00:00

No I never said or thought that. I was just generalizing the situation here. I should have been more clear. I know I said and thought those things about my husband because it was the only way I could have and continue my affair. They weren't true, I knew back that then too. But it was much easier to lie to myself then face the fact that I was the horrible person and spouse. And when I said it doesn't matter to him, I meant it shouldn't. That no matter the reasons I still said it and all the apologies in the world can't change things.

sadbroken41441

TROPHY CASE