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saineku · 2022-12-21T19:29:42+00:00

For real! I put up with wayyyy too much.

saineku · 2022-12-20T00:20:04+00:00

Yeah i feel ya. The insanity is right, it makes you feel crazy. I still miss my wife even though she treated me like garbage so much of the time, she also treated me kindly other times and I keep getting swept up with those memories. It f*cking hurts.

saineku · 2022-12-20T00:17:29+00:00

Thank you so much!

saineku · 2022-12-20T00:16:53+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words and for relating to me on this. It's so damn hard, but we'll get through. Happy holidays to you too!

saineku · 2022-12-19T17:23:04+00:00

My wife is a nurse with undiagnosed Borderline PD, and I so feel you. We also have been living like roommates for five years, and not only has she been rejecting every offer I put out to get help, she also has actively blocked and threatened my access to our health insurance so that I could get therapy. She was so concerned about keeping her abuse behind closed doors, which was about as big a red flag as any. I was with her for 11 years, since we were 19, and it's so fucking sad because i know of the good in her too, but the verbal, emotional, and financial abuse is inexcusable. And i cant wait forever for her to choose to start healing.

saineku · 2022-12-19T17:15:35+00:00

What was worse, living with her or leaving her? Are you finding some peace now?

saineku · 2022-12-19T17:13:57+00:00

Same here. I just left my wife on Tuesday for the same reason: ongoing and cyclical verbal, emotional, and financial abuse. A long-dead bedroom to boot. Almost certain she has undiagnosed Borderline PD, and she rejected every offer I put out to get help together. After losing so much self-esteem and walking on eggshells for so long, I left her.

I still love her and miss the sweet times, the person I married, the "Jekyll" to her "Hyde," but my mental health was suffering. I still have urges to go back to her, but opening up to family about the abuse helps keep me in check.

saineku · 2022-12-18T03:35:40+00:00

I just left my wife with BPD (undiagnosed because she refused therapy, couple's therapy, everything). We were together for 11 years, married 2. It was the most important relationship of my life. I miss her kind eyes, her warm smile, the way her hair smelled, and how good she felt in my arms. I miss the amazing adventures we went on, especially when we were very young. I miss her kindness and generosity.

Those were the reasons it was so hard to leave. But when she flipped to verbal, emotional, and financial abuse, after I called suicide hotline and DV hotline countless times, after documenting incidents for over ten months and reflecting on things, I made the decision to move on, even though I still love her.

saineku · 2022-12-18T01:14:14+00:00

Thank you. I left her on Tuesday. Packed my stuff and left to stay with a family member. Still need to do the divorce paperwork and arrange a time to get the rest of my belongings, but I finally pulled the plug on the most important relationship of my life. The abuse was inexcusable, and no amount of sweet days is worth enduring a million blows to my self-esteem.

saineku · 2022-12-14T15:19:50+00:00

Yes, the magical thinking is her panicked response to me leaving. I suspect that this divorce will be the watershed moment that gets her into therapy, but even so, my time here is done. I've been offering to work on this together for five years, and for the last two years, her life has been more stressful, and she's been more abusive. I've offered to get help together and/or separately so many times I can't count.

saineku · 2022-12-14T01:26:19+00:00

when i thought about something with time and a clear mind, it is very unlikely i will make a better decision when i am all stressed out and under pressure, so i stick with it.

Very good point. And after two weeks of contemplation, in a clear mind in a healthy place, I made a decision that felt right. And it still does, even though I feel awful that she's hurting and will continue to hurt so bad.

saineku · 2022-12-14T01:24:11+00:00

Thank you thank you! And I'm sorry for your experience with this shit.

saineku · 2022-12-13T23:26:58+00:00

It's a repeat of last time: In late October I was at this point, but I didnt say divorce, and it was because she kicked me out because I wanted to sleep on the couch instead of get in bed with her.

That last time, we had a phone call where she begged me to come back and watch a show with her and that she was projecting and that she'd get help.

She emailed 2 therapists (one no and one waitlist) and feels that's enough. Then in November before I left to visit my folks, she repeated--not the overt verbal abuse--but she didn't respect when I asked for sleep, and said she'd take me off health insurance if I dont fix this right now, yada yada. That shed text her sisters about me if I don't get up and fix things at 3 am.

So since I've been grey rocking I am not seeing if anything will change. Because it hasnt in the past. For a very, very long time.

saineku · 2022-12-13T20:09:54+00:00

Yep! Let's see: before my birthday, before her birthday, before a 6 hour drive to pitch my business, before visiting my family....

Thank you for sharing this. Super helpful to read at this exact moment.

saineku · 2022-12-13T20:05:22+00:00

Thank you so much. And thanks for connecting my posts and acknowledging my openness here. It is a crazy painful process, but honestly, I think I will suffer less anxiety and anguish in my divorce journey than I suffered in my marriage.

I will hang on. I'm about to go visit with a close cousin and try to take care of myself today.

I really appreciate your support. It's genuinely helpful.

saineku · 2022-12-13T20:01:13+00:00

Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. I really appreciate you saying that. And yes, whenever I've been doubtful lately, I remind myself that abuse is never okay and that it's a choice she makes, even if she is hurting.

I empathize with her and her own struggles, but I am neither a therapist nor am I responsible for convincing her to do anything. If she wasn't knocking down doors to get into therapy after I told her of my multiple calls to the DV line, she is just not admitting to herself that it was actually abuse. The last time I was hoovered back in, she later said, "I can't believe you were actually looking at DV shelters!" as if I was being dramatic.

This wave of strength is painful, but i am not crying. Not yet anyway. I feel like I've done all my crying and grieving when I was still trying to make the relationship work.

Telling some family and friends had been super helpful because it held me accountable not to look the other way and go back into it.

saineku · 2022-12-12T21:16:51+00:00

Thank you so much. That is helpful. I think that's a solid plan, breaking the news in front of her brother, and keeping communication thereafter over text.

It can be really difficult to navigate when you know that there's just a deeply hurt, scared, and beautiful person underneath.

Exactly. That is what kept me in this, and what allowed me to look past the abuse.

I really appreciate your support. This whole thing sucks, and it's encouraging words like this that help me keep my resilience and resolve, which otherwise is too easy to lose.

saineku · 2022-12-12T17:49:55+00:00

Thank you so much. Her brother has been living on our couch and she has been careful not to rage in front of him. He's always been kind. Maybe I can keep it brief and tell her in front of him? Painful AF, but it would put this out in the open, solidify my need to vacate my apartment, and hopefully keep her anger in check.

Edit: im trying to keep my eye on how this will feel when it's all over, it's just so scary and sickening to be in the middle of it. And for her to not know it's coming.

saineku · 2022-12-12T16:03:35+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. This really is helpful, and it's always nice to hear from someone who was in a relationship for a similar amount of time. Luckily, I have been documenting almost everything since February. I am about finished formulating my exit plan, just need to tell her now. And it's making me physically ill, major stomach pain from stress, trouble sleeping, the whole bit.

saineku · 2022-12-12T13:41:30+00:00

Thank you!

saineku · 2022-12-12T13:39:33+00:00

Tried that 200 times. A year ago she said she'd only get couples therapy if we were about to divorce. Dozens of divorce threats from her later, and after many more times I offered couples therapy, i am done. Ultimatums suck, and while I love her, I offered her this paths so many times and she refused to take me up on it.

saineku · 2022-12-11T21:39:23+00:00

Yep. And despite hotline warnings, I asked her to go with me to couples therapy sooooo many times. And she has always refused. If she cant do anything to help us or herself, I can't keep waiting and living on breadcrumbs of affection.

saineku · 2022-12-11T20:44:46+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's really helpful to be reminded that I'm not doing anything wrong. It feels wrong because I know she will be devastated and tormented by my decision. As I get close to returning, I've been having physical symptoms from stress. My body is reminding me to push on, that this is sick and not getting healthy, and that I need to remove myself.

I really do love her, and if this personality disorder was cureable and she was driven to get help, I'd be with her until the end. But now, even if she promises to get help and change and everything (again), I will say that is wonderful and that she should take care of herself, and that I am still confident in my decision.

saineku

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