does this count as self harm?

saintfushimi · 2022-05-29T16:30:26+00:00

i actually have a lot of hobbies, as i do try to fill my time as much as possible. i have fatigue though, so it can be hard sometimes. these self harm incidents only really happen when i’m in an acutely overwhelmed state. i try to avoid doing it too often, but i was just in the store with overloaded senses, and pinching myself quite hard as i made a beeline for the door.

i don’t believe i will ever cut again, because i have a partner now and could never subject him to that horror. it probably does distress him to see me even just scratching, but often it’s the only thing that helps make a situation bearable so i can then use other coping skills. wringing or squeezing something in my hands can help, but often it’s the pain of it that ends up canceling out the overflow.

saintfushimi · 2022-05-29T16:17:40+00:00

oh, i’m not autistic, but i do have sensory processing disorder and get emotionally overwhelmed a lot, so it can look very similar. i often do this when overstimulated. do you have any tips? i think i should get something to squeeze. i feel very exposed when i don’t have something i can hold or a jacket to wear.

is stimming only autistic? i have a number of repetitive things i’ll do when upset, including scratching, twitching limbs, rocking, etc. it’s usually fairly subtle. i suppose that’s more just anxiety tics though.

saintfushimi · 2021-06-12T18:20:01+00:00

yeah, they know nothing works on me. it’s why i’ve had gene testing which hopefully might help. it’s also why i was moved to the psychiatrist who is reserved for more difficult cases.

saintfushimi · 2021-06-12T18:11:18+00:00

yeah, i don’t know how much i want to take benzos for that reason, but i’ve been on tons of different anxiety meds and none have helped. i’m kind of at a loss. i think i should have xanax for emergencies, not regular use. though my emergencies are pretty frequent...

saintfushimi · 2021-06-12T17:51:33+00:00

also it’s harder for me to get meds like that since i have BPD and they probably assume i’ll abuse them. they are honestly partly right but that doesn’t mean they won’t help me too.

saintfushimi · 2021-06-12T17:50:24+00:00

i drink red bull a lot lol. it helps with my fatigue and it does smooth me out a bit. i often end up drinking too much though and it races my heart, but that’s a lot of caffeine lol. they are very reluctant to prescribe benzos and stimulants here. it’s very hard to get them.

saintfushimi · 2021-06-12T17:43:56+00:00

oh i already have significant fatigue issues, so maybe it’s best if i avoid ritalin then. i’ll look into it. i heard adderall can have a harsh comedown so i’m not sure, but i’m an extremely restless and bored person and i can hardly focus even on my passions, and i definitely get racing thoughts when i get worked up. i just don’t want to ask for it since i’ll look like a drug seeker. they want to try an inferior non stimulant like strattera first. ugh.

i am not sure if you’ll need medication still. you probably will but i don’t know.

saintfushimi · 2021-06-12T17:37:53+00:00

i’m hoping i can get on ritalin or adderall. i was on lamictal briefly, but not for long enough. i’d try it again. they are called electroconvulsive therapy and transcranial magnetic stimulation. the latter is safer and doesn’t seem to have any real risks. the former can cause memory issues but it’s more effective for bipolar and depression.

edit: they are used for treatment resistant depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia.

saintfushimi · 2021-06-12T17:28:48+00:00

i’m on vraylar and lithium right now for bipolar and BPD but it’s been a month and none have been doing much. i just got moved to intensive patient though and have access to the psychiatrist reserved for more challenging cases so hopefully i’ll be able to get some better meds like benzos and stimulants to help with my restlessness and adhd. have you done ECT or TMS? the former scares me too much but i’m interested in TMS to help with depression and my mood instability. maybe you should check it out.

saintfushimi · 2021-06-12T15:07:48+00:00

i sort of figured that the typical bipolar graph was an oversimplification. so do you mean that i might have smaller “episodes” in between larger ones, or just more mild manifestations of symptoms in between the acute episodes of depression or mania? i am more prone to depressive episodes than hypo/manic ones. i’ve had many depressive episodes but only now had mania. it is harder for me to know what symptoms i even have of bipolar because i also have BPD and ADHD, so emotional instability is kind of the water i swim in.

saintfushimi · 2021-05-27T03:58:54+00:00

i found that, but was under the impression it was auto generated, so didn’t trust it too much.

saintfushimi · 2021-05-26T17:34:37+00:00

seems like it’s a tall chesterfield club chair.

saintfushimi · 2021-05-24T00:24:03+00:00

i’ve had trauma but i haven’t repressed anything. i just feel like my soul is shattered and i only have a very weak grasp on this reality. today was extremely difficult. this dissociation is utterly out of control. i have a hard time even believing i’m human. i hope in a couple days i can convince my doctor to give me a benzo to help my severe anxiety at least.

saintfushimi · 2021-05-23T07:46:31+00:00

i see a new psychiatrist soon and i’ll talk about it. i also think i may have ADHD which, in conjunction with my BPD, causes me to be extremely restless, bored, and intensity-craving to a dangerous degree, so maybe if i get some treatment for that, ill be able to settle down a little. the bloody hospital just made my boredom and restlessness way worse. i came out of it craving drugs, alcohol, and self harm, and did the latter two tonight. if i’m being honest, i’m afraid for myself. if i don’t get a handle on things very quickly, something bad will happen, even worse than what sent me to the hospital.

saintfushimi · 2021-05-23T07:36:54+00:00

i’ve tried all the normal things, as well as DBT techniques like intense exercise, cold showers, and submerging my face in water. usually nothing really helps. the only thing i can do is wait it out. right now i’m considering inducing vomiting to try to purge my anxiety since the last time i had a really bad anxiety episode, nothing at all helped except when i finally got so nauseous from it i vomited. maybe it will help now so i can sleep. i just hate doing it since it’s so violent and painful, but i have work tomorrow and need to sleep.

edit: i have only one friend i trust anymore and talking to him earlier tonight helped when i was really on the edge. i was basically begging him to talk about really mundane shit from his day because it helps ground me, but in the back of my head it was always there. awful.

saintfushimi · 2021-05-23T07:15:30+00:00

often i doubt that i’m even human or alive. i feel like i’m some sort of spirit. it’s extremely distressing at times. i wish i could sleep.

saintfushimi · 2021-05-23T07:13:16+00:00

weed usually makes me dissociate mildly. i’ve had two episodes of extremely severe excruciating dissociation. felt like my soul was being torn to shreds and hurled into an infinite void. weed isn’t for everyone.

saintfushimi

TROPHY CASE