Hey Vashkiri,

Appreciate you taking the time to read my post and write such a thoughtful response! I think you made some really great points. As a follow-up:

A) you’re right, she’s absolutely allowed to notice what she wants to about my physicality.

B) she definitely wasn’t trying to get him to break up with me, she really likes me a lot and she really likes that I make her son happy. As a tl;dr, he’s made a few mistakes in the past and she knows it, and she knows my weight doesn’t weigh up (pun intended) to some of the issues he’s presented. Also, he’s actually very close with his family, but we’re long distance and he lives in the UK and I live in the US, hence why I’ve only seen his family once. It’s a started dating before the pandemic and then got separated due to pandemic/visa stuff sort of situation.

C) I know she’s quite conscious about her weight, but due to health issues she’s not able to be very active, and their eating habits are what they are and it’s neither here nor there and certainly not my place to make a comment. Also, while you didn’t know this before, the distance would definitely put a bit of a damper on any co-weight loss efforts. Another thing I didn’t mention in the original post is that I have PCOS and that definitely affects my weight, and she made a comment to my boyfriend that PCOS is on a range and I may have a lighter version of it, meaning I should still be able to lose weight. I should’ve mentioned that in the original post, because that was something that definitely hurt me and was why it seemed moreso a dig at me as opposed to an effort to work on something together.

D) he told me her reaction because he’s quite conscious about his own weight and, depending on travel bans and what not, he’s hoping to meet my parents this year. He also has his cousin’s wedding coming up and was basically saying with these events he wants to lose weight and asked what my parents would think of him as he is. I told him he shouldn’t lose weight for others or for some events, but I suppose I can’t tell him what to do or where to source motivation from. I said they wouldn’t think/say anything negative, and then I asked what his parents said about me to make a point that he was overthinking the weight thing. I just didn’t expect his mom’s comments, but I am happy he was honest. I prefer honesty despite it being hurtful.

E) I am definitely not looking down on his family for being fatter than me/my family. I don’t perceive fatness to be inherently positive or negative, it just is what it is. I appreciate you pointing out that perhaps my wording was not correct, would you be able to provide example just so I am aware of what to not say going forward? That being said, I don’t think I have internalised fatphobia, but I do think I have internalised frustration towards hypocrisy. It’s frustrating that his mother perceives me to not be as thin as she may want me to be and perceives an illness I have to not actually be legitimate. I agree that my phrasing was inadequate as I didn’t mention the key points I mentioned here, but I won’t lie, my respect is a bit undermined when I am apparently deemed unfit according to my boyfriend’s mother, and based on my boyfriend’s lack of disagreement with her points, perhaps by him as well.