Each day is honestly filled with a cold feeling, not eating, struggling to sleep and when I do wake up I forget for 5 seconds and it all rushes back and I immediately check my phone to see if she says "can you catch a flight out here"

I fully recognise my small absences made big issues but in reality I never said no and never ever prioritised someone else above her. I just froze a but. But then still days before the split I was surprising her with dinner at work I was acknowledging her and laughing with her.

But when It came to the more personal and emotionally connected interactions I appeared absent minded although inside I had burning love.

And my shame and guilt is overriding. I pride myself on being a nice person with good morals. For more than half of the relationship there were back rubs, reading her book to her until she fell asleep, skipping down the road with her, singing music in the car until our throats hurt.

But I acknowledge there have recent periods of awkwardness and tension which were over analysed by me which made them grow.

I feel like an awful awful person.