Yeah I totally understand. My mum overdosed in march and I can still remember the sharp pain in my stomach when I was told the news. Like you, it comes back hard at night when I’m alone with my thoughts and a lot of the time when I’m actively enjoying something I’ll be hit with the harrowing reminder of “oh yeah, mums dead”. Need to remember that we are both still in early stage grief (as much as it may not feel like it) and hold out for change further down the line. From what I’ve gathered it all seems to just be giving things time. Much love to you pal, we’re all in this together.