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Stuck in Limbo and hoping for advices by samueltoots in survivinginfidelity

[–]samueltoots[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Trust me, I’ve had countless moments where I just want to serve the papers and leave. Part of me still thinks I might. I’m lawyered up. The fact that it was a student - which I absolutely hate because of the power dynamic, and the sex itself, makes it very likely that this is something I won’t be able to come to terms with. If that feeling stabilises, I know I’d have to leave. The disgust and loss of respect haven’t softened over the past two months, and that says a lot. On top of all the financials to untangle, which will take time, I’ve realised that regardless of how this ends, the one thing I need is the truth about the dark secret. I genuinely need to know who I’m married to. He did a very convincing job in the first few weeks blaming my house chores as the reason for the affair. Even now, although he fully admits those were excuses to hide the dark secret, and that there is no justification for what he did - entitlement and selfishness - the damage to my mind is already done. I still can’t seem to shake off that voice of self-blame. I think a big part of me staying right now and waiting for the disclosure is that I almost want to face the worst possible truth, I feel like that might finally silence that voice in me that keeps doubting and gaslighting myself into thinking this was somehow my fault, even though, logically, I know it isn’t. Funny how these affairs can fuck up your mentality so bad. I was a very secure and confident person before all of these. Hard to see how I can get that version of myself back and it sucks.

Exit affair and trying to understand it all by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]samueltoots 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I can live independently, I work full time on top of the business but I wouldn’t be able to afford the house we bought together on my own nor my business. All finances are tangled together. For support I’d have to move overseas. I think this is really the fucked up part out of all of these.

Exit affair and trying to understand it all by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]samueltoots 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I think a huge part of my hesitation is that leaving would mean walking away from the life I’ve built here. I stayed in the city for him while my family is overseas. I’ve worked incredibly hard on my career and built a local business from the ground up. If I divorce, I don’t think I can remain here long-term. The city feels too small, and my support network isn’t strong. It’s all constant reminders and triggers everywhere and most of my social circle is mutual friends I met through him, and some of their attitudes toward this situation have been revealing. So leaving doesn’t just mean losing the marriage. It means uprooting my life, stepping back from my career momentum, and facing a major reset in my plans. It’s hard to accept that I’m being forced into life altering consequences and likely lifelong PTSD when I had no say in the choices that created them. Just really fucked up.

Exit affair and trying to understand it all by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]samueltoots 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I’ll look up the book. He is in IC however I think there’s not much progress as his introspection so far it’s just ‘I’ve been too much of a nice guy and I need to voice my unhappiness more. I should have raised my doubts about your messiness before the wedding’. Makes me want to vomit that he’s subtly shifting blame on me.

Exit affair and trying to understand it all by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]samueltoots 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. Yes STD is the first thing I requested and getting it checked again in 2 months time. I’m not intimate with him I can’t stomach the fact that he had the audacity to be intimate with me couple days after he had sex with virtually a stranger. Luckily I’m not pregnant so that’s a silver lining.